02 Dec 2013
It can be hard for nascent resellers trying to make their way in this crowded market to come up with a name that differentiates them from the competition and attracts the eye of end users.
So I was intrigued to hear that one company gave itself a moniker that it thought was a bit of snappy wordplay, alluding to both the nature of its business and its all-around excellence.
But the name, that has since been retired following the company's sale, was remarkably similar to a French synonym for...err...what happens at the end of a...err...mummy and daddy cuddle (at least for daddy). Ahem.
Their website certainly caught the eye of many potential customers, but sadly most of the titillation-seeking Frenchians didn't hang around to find out how they might benefit from virtualising their desktop estate.
Making tweet love
Speaking of nocturnal activities, I was shocked and appalled this week to read that technology is reportedly having a grave impact on the UK's collective sex life.
A major once-a-decade study into Britons' bedroom habits finds that men made whoopee an average of 4.9 times a month between 2010 and 2012, with the female mean coming in even lower (as it were) at 4.8. This compares with figures of 6.2 and 6.3 respectively during the millennial rumpy pumpy boom years of 1999 to 2001.
The decline is partly attributed to the easy allure of internet smut, as well as pervasive worry about jobs and money. Study author Dr Cath Mercer from University College London added that the ubiquity of whizzy new computing kit is another contributory factor.
"We also think modern technologies are behind the trend too," she mused. "People have tablets and smartphones and they are taking them into the bedroom, using Twitter and Facebook, answering emails."
Oh, come on - do people really do that? I don't know of anyone who has allowed mobile technology to wreak havoc with their sex life. And I've certainly never heard of a devoted husband - and skilled lover - being devastated to realise his wife was live tweeting Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway during their weekly bunk-up. You know, for example...
Regent Street is aglow, John Lewis is pumping viewers full of vomitous saccharine and Easy Eric's Electricals Emporium on Dagenham Heathway is being looted thrice monthly - Christmas must be coming soon.
Another staple of the festive season - the annual email from the Forum of Private Business (FPB) warning of the perils of the office party - arrived in my inbox this week. Among the usual array of well-meaning but rather killjoyish advice are the revelations that you should "make it clear that the usual disciplinary policies apply" (they don't - not really), as well as pointing out "drug use in the workplace may constitute a breach of health and safety regulations" (WOW! Who knew?!). It's also noted that "too much alcohol could spark arguments and fights".
But it is far more likely to "lead to awesome fun times, general sociability, and totally snogging that hot guy Nick from accounts payable", the FPB singularly fails to note.
I was heartened to read this week that Girlguiding UK has given its Computing badge a facelift to bring it up to speed with the increasingly social world of IT.
When the badge was launched 23 years ago, the tasks Guides needed to do to earn it included "turning on a computer" and "using a word processor". The checklist has now been updated to include such achievements as "writing a set of instructions for a moveable robot", conducting a survey and "presenting the results in a spreadsheet or graph".
Guides will also learn about staying safe in the occasionally perilous world of social media, as well as coming to a greater understanding of their "digital footprints".
Having witnessed the indiscreet Facebook horrors of most of my salespeople, I'd like to issue an open invitation to any newly qualified Girl Guides who fancy doing a bit of training and consultancy work.
18 Nov 2013
I've never been a fan of themed shindigs - if you feel you can't guarantee your guests a good time without insisting they dress up like complete muppets (literally or figuratively), you're not a party host worthy of the name.
So imagine my vexation to read about "the growing trend of people hosting shredding parties" (no, I don't know either). At least, the trend is growing according to (VESTED INTEREST ALERT!) PHS Datashred, which believes the get-togethers will become "the business equivalent of Ann Summers parties" next year.
I can only assume this means they involve people bonding over an array of synthetic genitalia and a disappointingly moderate amount of awful wine - only with more suits, photocopiers and sales projections. Datashred boss Anthony Pearlgood claimed "the benefits of shredding are countless", shortly before coming up with two benefits of shredding.
"People [are] using it for everything from getting rid of past memories or to simply dispose of old junk," he muttered.
Good points, Tony - but I can't help but think the idea of "getting rid of past memories" is a touch Orwellian. I think I'll stick with the standard issue booze-up at Yates's in Harlow for the Dodgi Christmas do this year.
YouTube co-founder Jawed Karim may have uploaded the site's first ever video more than eight years ago, but until recently it remained the only item on his profile.
And what better way to break an apparent eight-year silence than by dropping an f-bomb and slagging off your company's new owner?
Karim finally added a second item to his profile when he left the comment "why the f**k do I need a google+ account to comment on a video?" earlier this month.
If only he'd known this terrible turn of events lay ahead before he agreed to sell the company and make a reported $65m...
It never rains, but it pours for the monolithic old-stagers of the PC market. You can't have failed to notice that sales have taken a pasting in recent months as consumers opt for mobile devices like tablets and smartphones.
And sales are hardly likely to be given a shot in the arm by the news that the latest whizzy new laptop released by Dell caused a real stink among consumers - literally. The Latitude 6430u is a high-spec enterprise-grade machine that, according to the vendor's website, is "thin, highly durable, and built for business".
All that and more it may well be, but unfortunately for Dell it also stinks of cat urine.
"The machine is great, but it smells as if it was assembled near a tomcat's litter box. It is truly awful!," was the view of one of the many people who took to the Dell hardware support forum to complain.
The vendor acted swiftly to reassure users that "the smell is not related to cat urine or any other type of biological contaminant, nor is it a health hazard". The problem has now reportedly been fixed.
But not before one user moaned: "It's embarrassing taking it to clients because it smells so bad."
Tsk. That's the oldest line in the book, that one. If I had a pound for every time one of my sales goons had used the old "sorry boss, I didn't close the deal because the customer thought my computer smelled of feline wee" excuse, I'd be a very rich man indeed.
Rank bad idea
I was heartened to learn this week that Microsoft is doing away with its bell curve system of ranking employees. Previously managers were asked to designate the
members of their team as either stellar performers, decent performers, or poor performers - even if they felt the whole unit contributed equally. Now so-called stack-ranking is being ditched, with the vendor wishing to place greater emphasis on "teamwork" (what a novel idea!), and bosses allowed to allocate bonuses among their charges as they see fit.
Smart move - I ditched the patented Diamond-Geezer Bell Curve System of judging my staff in the mid-90s. But not before many a salesperson was terrified by finding themself facing my bell end.
04 Nov 2013
In the most point-missingly sensationalised headline of this (or any other) week, I was shocked to read recently that “the alarmingly high figure” of “one in five parents have been shocked by content on their children’s email, text or Facebook account”. According to (ahem) “research” from (VESTED INTEREST ALERT!) security firm BullGuard, 61 per cent of mums and dads make a habit of spying on their offspring’s texts or online activities.
Less worryingly, a third of these admitted to being consumed by guilt over the snooping. “It’s hard enough watching your children 24/7 in the real world, but keeping tabs on their movements online is the real challenge,” said BullGuard product management head Alex Balan, just a little creepily. “BullGuard’s Identity Protection offers Facebook protection for parents concerned about what their children are being exposed to, such as cyberbullying, social predators or inappropriate content.”
Good point, Al. I mean, who cares about the rights and wrongs of invading your child’s privacy? The important thing is we don’t miss a chance to use serious issues like online abuse and the proliferation of violent and degrading adult content to hawk some software. Kerching!
In the most unfortunately timed comment of the week, I was intrigued to hear Michael Dell opine that the internet was “like oxygen” at the firm’s recent Technology Camp event in Paris.
Just before the WiFi crashed, leaving delegates and press disappointedly pawing at their tablets and smartphones. (Although, it must be said, not visibly struggling for breath.) The eponymous tech leader explained that cloud computing is at the same point the internet was at in 1995, when everyone was apparently asking ‘what is your internet strategy?’.
“Nobody asks that any more as the internet is kind of like oxygen, and cloud is heading in the same direction – it’s just everywhere, a new delivery mechanism; we all do it, and it is just assumed,” he said. It’s probably safe to say he’d also assumed the vendor’s chosen venue – a reet swanky place on the banks of the Seine – would have adequate connectivity.
Gaga for tech start-ups
As a career technologist, I’m always pleased to see new investment flooding into the industry. So I was delighted to learn this week that pop impresario Troy Carter is creating a seeding fund of up to $100m to inject into tech start-ups.
He may have made his name and his money being the manager of Lady Gaga, but Carter has also long been an advocate of tech firms and has invested in companies including Spotify, Dropbox and Summly via his AF Square fund.
The investor plans to take an “opportunistic”, rather than targeted approach as he hunts some Little Monsters to plough his wonga into.
Glad to hear you’re a fellow techhead, Troy – some of us are Born This Way. If you fancy investing in the hot east London tech scene (and don’t mind batting off the Paparazzi at Dagenham Heathway station), why not pick up the Telephone and poke yer face into Dodgi HQ?
There was yet more bad news for outdated tin-shifters like yours truly this week, with research revealing that cloud computing skills are the most prized of all for IT pros looking to further their careers.
According to research from recruitment outfit Robert Half Technology, some 39 per cent of IT directors claimed that “cloud computing is the most valuable skill for IT professionals to have”. This is apparently ahead of (deep breath) security (37 per cent); project management (33 per cent); virtualisation (29 per cent); network admin and engineering (27 per cent); mobile and application development (27 per cent); database management (24 per cent); C# development (15 per cent); business intelligence (14 per cent); and Java development (13 per cent).
I can only hope that ‘maths’ isn’t considered quite as important by any prospective employers of the survey compiler, as I can’t help but notice that the above answers add up to 258 per cent of respondents.
Although, funnily enough, “giving 258 per cent” is exactly what I demand of all new recruits at Dodgi.
23 Oct 2013
Australian bride-to-be Branka Delic recently started an internet campaign in an attempt to get her idol Jon Bon Jovi (there’s no accounting for taste) to give her away at her wedding. Via the website bonjoviwalkmedowntheaisle.com the 34-year-old, and her clearly very understanding hubby-in-waiting Gonzalo Cladera sought to get the world wide web behind her campaign to persuade the New Jersey soft rocker to take part in her nuptials.
“All her life, Branka thought she would marry Bon Jovi himself,” the site says. “Sadly, at the age of 34 she realised this would never happen, and she accepted Gonzo’s proposal instead.”
In an attempt to make it a more attractive proposition for the 51-year-old singer, the Aussie bride booked her wedding in Las Vegas, on the same day as Bon Jovi was playing a show in the Nevada city. She even planned her do for the same venue where the vocalist married his wife, Dorothea, almost 25 years ago.
After his Antipodean aficionado gathered support from thousands of people online, JBJ decided to give love a good name and duly strolled Branka down the aisle.
What a fantastic idea. Me and Her Indoors are renewing our vows in Margate next summer; the campaign starts here on the hashtag #getSpringsteentobemybestman
When Nicollo Machiavelli penned his dark arts masterpiece The Prince in 1513, it’s unlikely he thought it would one day become a bible for 21st-century IT managers.
But if one Gartner research bod has her way, every CIO should be taking a leaf from the Florentine philosopher’s tenebrous tour de force if they are to avoid becoming victims of the boardroom. Simply following protocol will make you vulnerable, Gartner fellow Tina Nunno warns in her new e-book The Machiavellian CIO.
Instead, they must draw on power, manipulation and warfare to defeat corporate rivals intent on bringing them down. That’s all well and good, but I can’t help thinking such highfalutin advice would be lost on Dodgi’s resident IT knob-twiddler Bob, who has the emotional intelligence of a nine-year-old, wears a bake-beaned-stained Simpsons t-shirt and hasn’t had a girlfriend since primary school.
As the boss of the east London area’s most successful ink cartridge dealer since Plaistow Pete’s PC Palace mysteriously went up in flames last year, I know what it’s like when an ex-lover uses an IT magnate’s name to earn a quick buck.
So it was with much distaste that I read that the mother of Steve Jobs’ eldest child has written a memoir painting the late Apple founder as a vicious and paranoid personage.
According to Chrisann Brennan, who dated Jobs on and off for five years in the 1970s, the Mac maker believed he was a reincarnated Second World War fighter pilot. His early success turned him into a “demon”, while Jobs was often rude and sarcastic to restaurant staff, Brennan wrote. Which clearly explains why she stayed with him for as long as five years.
I can sympathise entirely with my fellow IT tycoon: my reputation is still in tatters following last year’s expose of my Babycham-fuelled romp through the East End’s early 80s ska scene by my then-girlfriend Claudia.
Photo-sharing service Snapchat is popular with the young folks as it allows snap-happy internetters to share pics with each other, safe in the knowledge they’ll be deleted once they’ve been seen by the specified recipient (at least that’s what Dave Jr tells me).
Of the reported 350 million pictures handled by the site each day, about 349.8 million are rather revealing ‘selfies’ (thanks again, Dave Jr) according to research stats I made up just now. So users of the site may have been a little alarmed to read a recent blog post from Snapchat trust and safety bod Micah Schaffer, which detailed that the service can be compelled to hand photos over the authorities, and has had to do so on “about a dozen” occasions.
I’m not particularly worried about the feds seeing my pride and joy in the sensual snaps I’ve been sharing with the Mrs. I do wish I hadn’t posed next to those four cases of (ahem) factory seconds software, though.
07 Oct 2013
As the Barking and Dagenham area’s foremost new technology evangelist, I take pains to ensure I’m down wiv da kidz when it comes to the new techie trends coming from the streets.
So I was very disheartened (and just a little bit smug) to find myself sharing a taxi to a recent vendor event with two of my reseller exec brethren who were decidedly less savvy than me when it comes to yoof tech.
My suspicions were first aroused when one VAR bigwig had to explain to his pal how Twitter worked and what a hashtag was. The channel technophobe further demonstrated his all-round out-of-touchness when it transpired that he is seemingly the third man in the United Kingdom (after David Cameron and my old man) to labour under the misapprehension that “LOL” stands for “lots of love”.
“I only realised when I got an email from a client using it,” he clarified. Unbelievable! Anyone under the age of 50 knows it stands for little old lady #grandad.
Water load of rubbish
Considering that many iPhone enthusiasts are seemingly more than happy to spend hours – if not days – queuing in the cold and rain just to get their hands on the new Apple wowbox a few minutes before anyone else, it should perhaps not be much of a surprise to find some of them are poor, suggestible fools.
Following the recent release of the new iOS 7 operating system, a hoax advert did the rounds of the internet explaining that downloading the software activated a “smart switch” which effectively makes devices waterproof by shutting down when it detects water. It added that this was designed “prevent any damage to your iPhone’s delicate circuitry”.
Having presumably put Apple’s aquatic abilities to the test, a number of disgruntled users took to Twitter to vent their spleen (presumably from their unhip, crummy old desktop device). “Whoever said iOS 7 was waterproof: **** you,” said one.
Another expanded (very slightly) on this riff, adding: “OK, whoever said iOS 7 is waterproof: GO **** YOURSELF.”
Perhaps they did, my friend. But only after they’d ****ed up your expensive new toy good and proper.
I was shocked and appalled to note this week that Oracle main man Larry Ellison gave attendees at the software firm’s annual OpenWorld event the cold shoulder when he went to watch a boat race instead of giving a planned keynote.
Lazza’s Oracle Team USA ultimately completed a rousing comeback in the America’s Cup – more rousing, it seems, than the oration of hapless Oracle product exec Thomas Kurian, who was asked to fill his boss’ shoes at short notice. Delegates reportedly skulked away in their droves when it became apparent that Ellison would rather be watching his corporately endorsed yachtists do their thing than speaking to them.
I for one am shocked to see the world’s fifth richest man – who recently spent a chunk of his $41bn fortune on both a Hawaiian island and the local airline to go with it – has lost his affinity with the common man. One thing’s for sure: Ellison will get short shrift next time he shows his boat race in the East End.
One careful owner
Word reached me this week that not one, but two UK resellers are dusting off their glad rags and putting on a bit of slap as they try to make themselves irresistible in the hope of attracting potential suitors.
The chatter on the channel grapevine is that, like Kevin Keegan at the end of his eventful first spell in charge of Newcastle, bosses of the respective businesses feel they’ve taken their outfit as far as they can and are letting it be known that they are open to offers from well-heeled admirers.
I’d just like to make it clear that Dodgi is not one of this duo, and that I am certainly not interested in listening to seven-figure offers for my majority stake in this growing, profitable company. Nor do I want to cash in my chips, buy a cottage in Broadstairs and leave this highly investable business in the more-than-capable hands of a new owner.
23 Sep 2013
As a no-nonsense east-ender who’s spent 30 years as a particularly hard-nosed business negotiator, I’m none too easily cowed by locking horns with top execs from some of the world’s biggest IT companies when they deign to visit this sceptred isle and look in on their partners. (Or, more likely, when I’m on the lig at a partner conference in Florida or the Costa del Sol.) But one recent encounter I had with a vendor bigwig left me distinctly distressed and discombobulated.
I found myself sitting next to a member of the leadership team of a well-known security vendor at a recent dinner, and thought I should try to engage the chap in some high-level, thought-leading chat about technology trends and market dynamics. Not least because Dodgi had just been crowned as this manufacturer’s EMEA partner of the year.
So I asked him something relatively harmless (but thoroughly insightful) about the impact of BYOD, only for him to answer my query with stony silence and a real thousand-yard stare that seemed to mix contempt, incredulity, and the very real threat of sudden and extreme physical violence against my person. After a very uncomfortable 10-second stare-out (which felt more like 10 years), the fella sighed disdainfully and, without a word, started playing with his phone.
Disgraceful – I’m gonna show him in no uncertain terms that I don’t stand for that kind of treatment. I’ve told Gordon to go to his office and give him a piece of my mind.
I’ve met a few wheeler dealers in my time, dear reader, but not one who’s ever been so brazen as to compare themselves to the UK’s most beloved fence. But that’s exactly what happened to me this week when one vendor started pushing his products my way.
The so-called “Del Boy of the north” Fil Adams-Mercer reckons his Snugg products are head and shoulders above the competition. Now, I know what you’re thinking, why is a tech vendor selling blankets with arms in? But no, a Snugg is actually a cover for iPads and iPhones. Apparently.
Anyway, this Bolton blaggart name-checked a few famous faces in his pitch – apparently the one and only Harry Redknapp is not averse to a bit of Snugg action – and Adams-Mercer himself has also reached the dizzy heights of appearing on Channel 4’s Secret Millionaire (my invitation must have been lost in the post…).
Despite offering wads of his cash to needy folk on the programme, the Snugg supremo said he has no time for malingerers and had to sort the wheat from the chaff when doling out his moolah.
“I’ve realised there are some people who truly need our help, but a lot of people take advantage and are just skivers,” he preached. “I’ve got no time for those people. And it’s quite hard to sort out the skivers from the people who genuinely need assistance sometimes”. A curious stance on “skivers”, coming from the self-proclaimed Del Boy. What a plonker.
Splitting the bill
If you believe what recruiters’ surveys say about IT industry salaries, you would be forgiven for thinking we sleep on cashmere pillows stuffed with £50 notes. But the case of an IT professional I heard about the other day proves that theory well and truly wrong.
Tech worker Kishore Nimmala met up with a lady he had met online and took her to a swanky central London bar, coughing up £54 for just two rounds of drinks in the first few hours of the date. When he suggested she dug deep for the next tipple, she played the chivalry card and said she had expected him to pay for the whole evening. The cheek!
Instead of telling his date to get with the times and go Dutch, he took the slightly more radical step of snatching her BlackBerry and running off in a bid to get her to pay her share of the extortionate bill.
“She took my money, I took her phone. But I never wanted to steal her phone and keep it,” he insisted.
He was swiftly arrested and, despite his acquittal for theft, has since paid £1,200 in court costs, which is one expensive night out. And, being as he hails from my beloved Leyton, his usual dates would cost no more than half a lager and some pork scratchings.
19 Aug 2013
Bogey and Bacall, mashed tatties and liquor, and Leytonstone FC and heroic FA Cup runs are all things I find go together splendidly. But to that list of natural bedfellows it seems we can now add IT and, er, cosmetics.
I was intrigued to hear that Outsourcery boss Piers Linney - AKA the new bloke off of Dragons' Den - is ploughing his fat wad into a fake tan business. And this comes just a few weeks after Amstrad doyen Suralan Lord Sugarlord splashed £250,000 on Apprentice winner Leah Totton's cosmetic surgery clinic idea.
As a man once dubbed by the local rag as Dagenham's answer to Bill Gates, I've always been quick to spot an emerging opportunity. Perhaps I could top my two rivals by combining the worlds of cosmetics and computing in one holistic, turnkey solution by offering free liposuction or cut-price face peels with every server sold.
In fact now I come to think of it, I've often thought that a fair few of my fellow channel brethren could do with some colonic irrigation, given the nature of what sometimes comes out of their mouths.
Fresh "research" from manly sounding call handling firm Penelope will chime with any channel types who've worked through New Year's Eve or cut short a family holiday to ensure quarterly numbers are hit.
Apparently, we IT micro-business owners toil away for an average of 53 hours a week - that's 66 per cent longer than the average Brit's working week.
"Being the owner and operator of a micro-business means taking on multiple roles and being everything to every customer," burbled Penelope co-founder Ed Reeves.
Yes, Ed, but in the case of the channel it also often means enduring leisurely afternoons on the golf course and regularly getting bladdered at black-tie soirees.
In fact, if you also care to add in the time I spend at the 19th hole, I'm "working" roughly the same hours as a Victorian loom operator.
He's Too Cool
What do you do when you're a smartphone vendor who's finding the going a bit tough?
Why, hire a Hollywood actor who has had more ups and downs in his career than a window cleaner, of course.
That is just what HTC has done in a bid to revive its flagging fortunes - it has splashed out $1bn on a new "Here's to Change" campaign fronted by none other than Robert Downey Jr.
And because the Iron Man actor doesn't actually need the money, it means he believes in the brand, explained the firm's main marketing man.
The first video, a hilarious brainstorming session, saw Downey Jr's character suggest that HTC could stand for "humongous tinfoil catamaran".
Cue tumbleweeds and chiming bell.
Give it some welly
I've found the perfect solution to get Dave Jnr off his backside and away from his computer and his unhealthy obsession with Read-It and Pint-Arrest.
I'm going to send him to a special IT bootcamp on datacentres.
The first one was held in London recently to attract former forces employees and disillusioned young people struggling to find work, to the exciting world of the datacentre.
It doesn't matter how often you say it - the words "exciting" and "datacentre" just do not go together.
But I digress - apparently datacentre operators are suffering from an ageing workforce, and not enough skilled workers coming on board to fill the gap. So they came up with this strategy.
I can just imagine lines of bored-looking youths being frog-marched around a giant room full of servers and given lengthy explanations on how everything works.
To top it all off, someone had the idea to label the already awe-inspiring datacentre as the "factory of the future".
Not really something that rolls socks up and down, is it?
02 Jul 2013
I had the pleasure of attending the recent CRN Sales and Marketing Awards at a swanky west London hotel, but was shocked to see a reseller exec half-inching some of the décor.
Though I must say, I had to admire the chutzpah of our channel tea-leaf. The easy pickings of candle holders, cushions, maybe even a bar stool, were not for him. This guy managed to waltz off with a 6' 6" corporate mascot kindly provided by one of the sponsors.
But, in a satisfying coda to this tale of lawlessness and larceny, the perpetrator returned the statue to its owners by bringing him along to a meeting as a surprise guest a few days later.
Unlike our light-fingered channel chum, I walked away from the event empty handed. I've still got no idea how we didn't win the award for the best reseller marketing campaign for my and Gordon's "Servers with a Smile" topless butler calendar.
Date with density
If you haven't seen any of CRN's Channel Catch-Up interview series, I can wholeheartedly recommend them. The video snippets feature a range of leading industry execs answering such light-hearted questions as "what's your favourite piece of technology?", "would you retire tomorrow if you could?", and "have you ever pulled a whitey?" (I think, I was only half paying attention.)
In a recent tête-à-tête with Redcentric big cheese Fraser Fisher, the former Maxima boss responded to the question "what has been your biggest mistake in business?" by revealing that he's made some bum personnel calls over the years.
Chief among them was his decision to hire a lusty young sales rep who quickly and vigorously tore into his new role by haring around the country, meeting prospects - and running up a not-inconsiderable expenses bill in the process.
When the contracts failed to roll in, his bosses began to wonder if there was something amiss with his sales technique. It turned out that the chap was actually pretty canny and persuasive after all. But unfortunately he had been using his wiles to meet women up and down the land via the medim of online dating sites. Well, he did say he was out there pressing the flesh.
Verse comes to worse
Regular reader(s) may remember my report from the recent Cisco partner summit, which saw a bunch of stiff-limbed channel execs swaying awkwardly as a house band played a turgid slice of dinner-party funk with lyrics about datacentres.
The cultural references at the NetApp reseller get-together last month were of a somewhat more cerebral bent, but sadly no less cringeworthy. The perennially overrated poem If by Rudyard Kipling is a mawkish and overwrought load of old bunkum at the best of times. And I can vouch for the fact that it certainly doesn't benefit from a dramatic reading by a storage exec, pausing occasionally to repeat the odd phrase, with words altered to include references to big data and hypervisors.
I would've tailored the verse to the channel audience by changing the words to something like: "If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, you're probably an inveterate gambler who should not be in charge of a business and ought to seek professional help. And, what's more, your wife is probably going to kill you."
Imagine my ambivalence to learn this week that the UK economy is haemorrhaging £300m a year because of workers skipping breakfast (NB: this is patently untrue).
According to research (VESTED INTEREST ALERT!!!) from the good folk at Weetabix on the Go, the average worker loses 82 minutes' worth of productivity if they skip the first meal of the day (NB: also extremely untrue). Apparently Londoners have the worst breakfast strike rate, with the average cockney skipping it at least twice a week (NB: who cares?).
Funnily enough, I've done a bit of research into the breakfast sector myself recently. My shocking findings reveal that supermarket own-brand "wheat bisks" offer discounts of up to 50 per cent on the brand leader with a zero per cent reduction in taste. If everyone switches today, we'll make that £300m back in no time.
The head honcho of Dagenham's top reseller (give or take a few) gives his insights on the quirkier and murkier side of the industry. Dave also keeps a keen eye on the world of robots, pointless research and social networking.
Browse posts by date