CHANNEL TALK - PCSQUEALER

You 'ard it here first

Using a PC for your everyday channel tasks, such as writing apology letters, processing late orders and filling Excel files with pap to fool your boss into believing you're doing something useful just doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Take Panasonic, for example, which has brought out some notebooks, called Toughbooks, that the vendor reassures us are well 'ard. Apparently, not only can you operate these notebooks in the rain, which everyone does on a daily basis - if you live in the Amazon basin - but it can also be dropped from a height of 90cm and it won't break.

In addition, the discerning travelling salesperson can take comfort on all those lonely nights away from home because the notebook is also designed to resist moisture and vibration. What a relief.

When two tribes go to law

Sun and ICL Multi Vendor Computing (which used to be Tplc until it decided to change its name to a more pronounceable title) have the subtlety of a large brick. They have sent out an unusual invitation to all their resellers 'to become more competent'. In what the two companies see as a fun day out, resellers are requested to turn up at The Courtroom (hence the jokey illustration) at Brown's Restaurant in London to learn from Sun and ICL MVC's expertise. Oh, you lucky resellers. And just in case you thought they were trying to give you a slap on the wrist, Joan Williams, Sun business unit manager at ICL MVC, sums it up nicely: 'A fun setting to announce a serious message. Be warned - there is a lot to learn.' Well, that's alright then.

I should have Guest

The industry was up to its old tricks a couple of weeks ago when the 'UK's first national Quake 2 challenge', Quakedelica, was held at The Ministry of Sound in London. Not only did a few women and lots of men turn up either to play or to watch people compete on blood-ridden computer games, they got to witness the spectacle of Loaded bell-ringer Jo Guest.

Jo, who is described as the 'lads' magazine favourite', was hosting the event - which is all well and good, but who was she there for? Did the organisers think women wanted to see Jo get her kit off? Of course we didn't, but then the event wasn't being marketed to us. No change there, then. By the way, the guy who eventually won the UK championship used the nickname 'Billox'. Which sums it up quite nicely, don't you think?

Keep on truckin'

Any company which has felt the financial sting must be elated when it returns to profit. But what do you do to celebrate? If you live in a time warp, you do the same as Apple 'I'm only temporary CEO' Steve Jobs did when the company returned to profitability and play the Grateful Dead over your announcement. There is nothing, repeat nothing, cool about Jerry Garcia. Although Jobs did also display a picture of John and Yoko's bed-in. Maybe he's a cool guy after all and not a corporate fat cat who has as much in common with Lennon as Bill Clinton has with the Pope.

Mortem combat

Because PC Squealer loves you, we're keeping you updated on all the internet happenings we know are just your cup of tea. For all you ghoulish voyeurs, medical students Leicester University have created The Virtual Autopsy Website, a rare and fascinating glimpse into what goes on after the pathologist's knife has done its worst. Punters can browse the post mortems until they find their favourite body part and then guess the cause of death. Alternatively, they can just have a good gawp. So all you sickos can have bets with your mates as to who can look through the whole site while eating a plate of spaghetti bolognese without chundering. To enjoy it for yourself, just click on www.le.ac.uk/pathology/teach/VA.

The punch bunch

Not content with brainwashing and badgering unsuspecting souls the world over about that money-making millennium bug, vendors are now employing 'light' entertainers to drive the message home. First in the ring is Mr Family Man Frank Bruno, who put in an appearance at the Business Link Essex event. The good news is that Business Link Essex runs a campaign to get companies to do something about the darn bug. The bad news is that only one in three Essex companies have done anything about it. Fear not, though, Frank is on the case and with advice such as 'Don't let the bug knock out your business', companies are sure to rush out to buy the software to protect those poor little PCs.

We would like to say a heartfelt thanks to the nation's favourite distributor, Hyperchannel, which was kind enough to send us not one but three copies of the same photo showing the company winning some deal.

And just to let Hyperchannel know, because of its generosity, PC Squealer has absolutely no intention of publishing any of them.