PCSQUEALER - CHANNEL TALK
Anyone order a motherboard?
Now we all know there is fierce competition among companies, but a tale reached our ears last week that suggests things have been taken a little bit too far.
Two Datrontech employees entered Computer 2000's headquarters in Basingstoke disguised as pizza delivery men, complete with cardboard box, under the pretence that they were offering the staff free pizza. They went up a floor to the PC components division but, instead of nosh all round, the Datrontech guys picked up a motherboard worth about #60, put it in the pizza box and walked out. Unfortunately, the guys were spotted by eagle-eyed employees at C2000, who knew who they were. The police were dispatched whereupon the offending gentlemen were handcuffed and marched out of the building. Surprisingly, they got off with a warning. Datrontech management has denied instructing staff to perform this juvenile prank and claim it was purely a coincidence that Steve Raymund, C2000's big cheese, was visiting for the day. What wags they are at Datrontech. All's well that ends well, though, as C2000 did get its motherboard back. It would be completely uncharitable and inaccurate for us to suggest that Datrontech has such bad supply problems, that it needs to take other distributor's products. Shame on us.
If you're Appley and you know it
While PC Squealer was out on a trip around an arty bookshop recently (we're full of culture), we came across a strange looking book in the design section which inspired a sudden feeling of nausea. On closer inspection all became clear, as we realised the book was about Apple. Now, Apple likes to think it's a pretty cool company, but PC Squealer can safely say this was the most boring book in the whole wide world. There was picture upon picture of different shaped Apple products, which made the book look a gigantic press release - every journalist's nightmare. We can think of a million and one uses for this much paper and this certainly isn't one of them.
Homer is where the PII is
Homer Simpson will be at the centre of Intel's next advertising campaign - for the Pentium II processor.
In the ad - targeted at pre-Christmas buyers as Intel puts the PII into the mainstream - Homer has his brain replaced by a PII chip and becomes a college professor. Joann O'Brien, consumer advertising manager at Intel, said: 'Consumers can understand the message - if an Intel chip can turn Homer Simpson into a scholar, imagine what it can do for your PC.' What's next, we wonder - Shaggy from Scooby Doo being super-charged by a gigantic motherboard? Sound like a stupid idea? That's because it is.
Hallow boys
Over the past year, there have been many events that have been mercilessly milked for their marketing potential. Take, for example, the World Cup, which had nearly every channel company in the land salivating over the possibilities - how about an ethernet switch shaped like a football? But this sort of overkill doesn't worry Concord Communications, which choose the benchmark occasion of Hallowe'en to promote all sorts of really interesting things about its company. In a series of tenuous links about its products, Concord tells the unsuspecting customer 'your nightmares are over', that it has 'spooky Q3 figures' and, most worryingly of all, 'we'll always get you'.
Maybe, for its next effective marketing ploy, Concord could try a Bonfire Night theme such as 'watch our products go up in flames'. That'll sell a few more techie spinny-roundy things.
Ron for your life
The week before the channel-bustin' spectacular which was the annual Channel Awards, Hewlett Packard held its own 'chiritee' event in support of Cancer Research. Ian Hislop was the compere and he was as corporate-friendly as ever. Being topical is Ian Have I Got News For You's speciality, so it was no surprise when he began commenting on Welsh Labour MP Ron Davies' adventures in London. As Ian said, it must have been obvious to him that there were no sheep on Clapham Common. The night went from bad to worse, especially when the celebrity auctioneers had to shout down the rowdy audience to be heard.
But you at least have to give the audience a qualified thumbs up for sheer uncontrollability when the star singer, none other than the sensational Nina Simone, has to insert the line 'Can you shut the *%%& up' in the middle of an upbeat number. Must have been just like playing those smaller clubs again.
Where there's a Bill
What an illuminating and jaw-droppingly interesting chap Jim Dawson, vice president of European operations at Clariion, is. PC Squealer was recently lucky enough to spend nearly two whole hours with the man himself over lunch, when he told your intrepid reporter all about meeting Bill 'I'm just nipping to the bathroom' Clinton in a jewellery shop. Jim went on to say what a charismatic chap our Bill is and how he could understand why women fall for his charm. Surprising, really, since Jim said he was a Conservative, which PC Squealer wouldn't have guessed. He then went on to say that he had also met another Bill - Bill Gates, that is - and from what Jim told us we gather the scourge of Microsoft has all the charisma of a road accident.
Well, no surprise there, then.
A no-win situation
PC Squealer heard a terrible story about a poor woman who ended up employed at Ideal Hardware. This particular lady used to work in a garage, where she and all her friends used to run a lottery syndicate, which not only helped their female bonding, but also gave them the chance of winning tons of money. So imagine the poor woman's dismay when, just one week after leaving to go to Ideal Hardware, the syndicate actually won tons of dosh leaving our heroine about #300,000 out of pocket. So not only does she have to put up with her mates being much richer than she is, but she has to work at Ideal Hardware as well.
Poor lass.
LaPlante life
The Victor Kiam of distribution, George LaPlante, managing director of Action Computer Supplies, has been having ever such a nice time recently. George was so happy about the company's results that he had a load of mad and crazy photos taken, including the one above. No way does he look like a big deranged loon. It's worth mentioning that George is American and doing things like this come naturally to him, just like having signs in his office saying: 'You don't have to be crazy to work here ... but it helps.' Looking at the state of George, it obviously doesn't help at all.
Channel Awards
Next week, we will bring all the dirt, snogs, drinks and gossip from the one and only Channel Awards. During now and then, we will have been able to work out who did what to whom and we will have the photographic evidence to prove it. If there's anything you're worried we may have not got wind of, then please drop us a line.