PC SQUEALER - CHANNEL TALK
BREAK IT UP BOYS
Those Channel Awards stories just keep on coming and here's one of PC Squealer's personal favourites. You should all be familiar with the fact that Computer 2000 scooped the 'Networking distributor of the year' award and if you were sitting within 100 feet of the Landis table you will know that those seated around it felt that Landis should have won the title.
One thing we didn't realise is that fisticuffs almost erupted when the Swiss Toni of the channel, Roger Paul, kicked into action. Apparently, one of the C2000 sales chaps got hold of the award and was playfully taunting the Landis table by waving it at them. This didn't go down well with our Roger who promptly tripped over to the Cisco table and whispered in the ear of one of the senior chappies: 'Is that guy a friend of yours?' To which the Cisco chap nodded. Roger then said, in a Godfather type of way: 'Well, if he doesn't behave himself I'm going to take him outside and break his nose.' All in the spirit of good sportsmanship and fun, of course.
FLASHING IN THE WIND
NetManage certainly picked a good day to whisk a load of journalists around London, although the PR company that arranged the trip might not agree. One poor lassie in particular found the whole thing acutely embarrassing because when the helicopter landed, her lovely pleated skirt flew up and revealed a sight even a kilt-wearing Scotsman would find disconcerting.
The poor PR poppet is still trying to deny any absence of underwear and has taken every chance she can to mock, bully and beat your intrepid reporter for allegedly spreading this sordid tale. As if we would do anything like that. Also at the heliport was Mr babyface himself, William Hague, who just happened to land while a helicopter load of hacks was hovering about.
Never one to miss a trick, a PR type saw a photo opportunity and leaped on wee Willy who tried to escape into a car that hadn't turned up. William was then forced to suffer photographs with the PR chap and his charming client, who later asked: 'Who was that dead parrot?' Don't worry William - as Labour says: 'Things can only get better.'
IT FOR SLIMMERS
What does a naked woman hooked up to electrical equipment and an IT system have in common? No, it's not an IT manager's sick and deluded fantasy.
It has more to do with some techy company winning a contract to supply some sort of new system to Bio-Medical Research - the very same company that brought you those lard- busting products, Slendertone and Neurotech.
Maybe PC Squealer should be more interested in the contract side of things but, frankly, we don't care a fig, as it's more fun trying to figure out what on earth this poor woman has down her pants.
At first, PC Squealer thought it was a giant tiddlywink but quickly discovered that it's supposed to aid weight loss. Now all you blokes who stuffed your little faces at the Channel Awards can get rid of that fat back you acquired.
ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM
If any of you channel types out there have interesting information about year 2000 issues could you send it to us, please. Would that be okay? Only if you want to, that is, and only if you can spare the time. What's brought this sudden turnaround in PC Squealer's attitude toward that pesky millennium bug? The truth is ... absolutely nothing, we just wanted to see what it would feel like to actually care about the bloody thing in the face of daily bombardment of year 2000 pap. It was nice to find this picture of a chap (above) who is either a user driven mad by all the hysterical drivel saturating the market or a salesman who is ashamed of himself for telling resellers they need that extra spinnyroundy thing which costs #10,000 to make their computer better, when all it really costs to fix your PC is 50p and an ice cream.
You can run but you can't hide.
BANGKOK FOR THE BRIBED
ACC is a jammy company. Not only did it manage to offload itself to lucrative telecoms company Ericsson, its channel sales types also managed to scam a round-the-world trip for themselves and their resellers. So you blokes out there who think the life of Riley is a trip to Spain, rolling round the golf course in a sangria-induced haze are dead wrong. The 10 lucky resellers and the persuasive ACC chaps who duped their bosses into letting them arrange such a obscenely-expensive trip will first stop at that international home of women's rights, Bangkok. Then, they will hop on a plane to Sydney where they will bask in the sun on hypodermic needle-ridden Bobdai Beach for two days. Next stop is smog central, Los Angeles, before finishing up at Santa Barbara.
The latter, of course, inspired that classy daytime soap. Finally, they all fly back to Britain on Concorde. PC Squealer understands that the resellers involved had to hit certain targets before they won a place on this boozed-up free for all. Who said bribery was a bad thing?
IMAC NOT AS EASY AS EARTH GIRLS
It must be great being an internationally-famous film star. After all, if you're anything like Jeff Goldblum you can act in films called Earth Girls Are Easy, make irritating adverts for Holsten Pils and, finally, disgrace yourself by selling out to cult company turned whore of Microsoft, Apple, in its latest stab at pushing the iMac. Every night, the UK population is treated to adverts of bumbling, mumbling Jeff bleating on about 'beige' computers (how original) and consumers' fear of being left out of the email and internet 'revolution'. Jeff himself should show some fear of being left out of our video machines if this sell-out carries on.
LARA'S LARYNX GETS A ROUGH RIDE
PC Squealer can think of two very obvious reasons why men like pneumatic Tomb Raider heroine Lara Croft, and her voice isn't one of them. But that hasn't stopped Derbyshire mum Judith Gibbins from enjoying herself - she is the woman who supplies the 'cut glass vowels' of the virtual 'babe' herself. While Judith enjoys the notoriety of being associated with our Lara she must also be a wee bit worried that some people actually think that the Tomb Raider filly is real - sad, isn't it?
Apparently, Judith recently took part in a voice-calibrated question and answer session in Atlanta. In preparation she thought of a few questions she might be asked, like what her favourite artifacts were and so on. Which was naive when you consider that all the audience wanted to know was: 'Will you marry me?', 'Can I have a date with you?,' and surprise, surprise 'What size are your breasts?' Jessica Rabbit has a lot to answer for.