CHANNEL TALK - PCSQUEALER

Hoog do you think you are?

Now, when it comes to advocating stereotypes, you can guarantee that PC Squealer will have nothing to do with that sort of thing. But sometimes one can't help ponder the chicken and egg question. Over at a Siemens' meeting in Augsburg last week, Squealer was on call to witness a keynote speech by Robert Hoog, president of the vendor's computer systems division, which he gave with a little help from a translator.

That did him no favours. Talking about the fate of Siemens' PC plant, Hoog's interpreter said helpfully on his behalf: 'We have a number of new possibilities to address volume production.' Which sounded an awful lot like that good ol' cliche that gets trotted out instead of mentioning the war - we have ways of making you talk.

Jolly green giant

The Americans can make up pet names or silly phrases for whoever they like. You know, like the US is the centre of the universe. Are cigars the way to a woman's heart? America leads the way etc etc ... It had to be an American that came up with calling IBM Big Blue. Probably because all the staff wore blue suits and wanted to generate a corporate image. But now there's a new one - Microsoft has become Big Green. We could suggest this is because of the colour of its money - and it has lots of it - or is it the fact that there are lots of nice green trees in Seattle? Please let us know, Microsoft.

Kiss me Click

One of PC Squealer's intrepid reporters came remarkably close to making an ass of himself at the recent launch of the BT 'pay as you go' internet service, Click Plus. On arrival at the press conference, the reporter could not find a mob of sweaty squealing hacks with whom to seek refuge with and there was only the occasional PR type clad in a Click T-shirt. A decision was finally made to nab one of the PR types and pummel them until they spilled the beans. Spying one of them with her back to him, innocently sitting astride a stool and suitably distracted by a flock of photo journos, our hack in a mac was about to give her a firm tap on the shoulder. Then she turned ... slowly ... as the photojournos began to flash ... Revealed was not the expected person in the know but Dani 'Rent a Celeb' Behr.

Curiously, her expresion was not the normal day-brightening, welcoming, come-hither look from the days of The Word. More of a who/what/why the hell are you - when exactly did dog excrement begin walking the streets of London? Luckily, our reporter (in the age old tradition) scarpered, preventing any photographic evidence (or so he claims).

PLEASE DO NOT ADJUST YOUR CV

Interestingly, someone has kindly sent us these quotes which were taken from actual performance evaluations - or so they claim. Can you do any better?

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and is starting to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid fascination.

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

5. Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

11. This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

And these are taken from real CVs and covering letters (grammatical and spelling mistakes included at no extra charge):

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.00 computor and spreasheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for sales person of the year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions.

6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

7. It's best for employers that I not work with people.

8. Let's meet, so you can say 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

9. You will want me to be head honcho in no time.

10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

11. I was working for my mum until she decided to move.

12. Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... please feel free to respond to my CV on my office voicemail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no-one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try the computer industry.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

19. As indicated, I have over five years of analysing investments.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: they insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of 10.

26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Hospital for SEC people

PC Squealer was dismayed to discover last week that - with just over a year until the millennium - the chauvinist, sexist spirit that defines the IT and comms industry still rears its ugly head at every opportunity.

This disgusting state of affairs has moved Squealer almost to do the unthinkable - rise to the defence of the public relations folk. The TMA Expo in Brighton is legendary for its sad, annual attempts to grab attention of even sadder, crusty men with bad breath and beer guts. But what really took the bacon were the pathetic antics of Systems Enhancement Corporation, which insisted on dressing up its PR people as nurses. First Aid for your Network, as the slogan read? No, SEC, just medicine for your sickness. For a minute there, people might have thought that credibility was important to you.

As if.