CHANNEL TALK

PC Squealer has decided to dedicate this week's Channel Talk to the Channel Awards, to tell you about the outrageous behaviour of some of the guests. If there is anything you think we missed, please don't hesitate to give us a ring. We promise to treat it in the strictest confidence and put it in Channel Talk next week.

WINE TRACK MIND

During the revelry of the Channel Awards, PC Squealer noticed that the staff from TAFKAF (The Artistes Formerly Known As Frontline) were just that little bit more exuberant than other players that night. So thrilled was Nigel Brown, PR and marketing man extraordinaire, that on winning the PC Distributor of the Year award, he could contain himself no longer and proceeded to spill a glass of Merlot down his shirt front. A female colleague (all heart) very helpfully suggested that he remove the stained shirt and walk around in just his tuxedo and bow tie. She seemed to think this was a marvellous idea, as she had seen his six-pack when he dressed up as an Arabian knight at some previous shindig. As such, she was able to vouch that he would look like a Chippendale rather than a complete and utter turnip. Others, of course, might argue that they are one and the same thing.

ALICE IN CHUNDER LAND

Talking of TAFKAF, while the distributor picked up two awards, surely a special tribute should be given to Alice Smitham, its PC general manager.

She has obviously learned her drinking skills from her days in England's rugby team as well as its rowing team. Her stamina for continuing to drink into the early hours of the morning was commendable, even though you couldn't understand a word she said.

We were not too impressed by the fact that Alice managed to lose the award later in the evening. Alan Hunt, sales manager at C2000, managed to find the award, only to leave it behind in the hotel reception the next morning. He had to stop the C2000 coach on the way home to go and get it back.

OH LOCKIE YOU

PC Squealer has four important words for you this week - Steve Lockie and over reaction. Why? Because Computer 2000's networking general manager, or the lead singer of the Lighting Seeds on steroids as PC Squealer so often thinks of him, was all geared up to scoop Network Distributor of the Year award. So imagine the cloud of total and utter disappointment which gathered over the C2000 table when hostess with the mostest, GMTV's Penny Smith in an extremely fetching dress, announced that Ilion had taken the first prize.

PC Squealer was close enough and lucky enough to witness Lockie throwing himself to the floor like a small bearded child, shouting profanities that sounded a lot like 'bucket'. The best bit was when yours truly witnessed Lockie shaking hands and offering congrats to the Peter Pan of distribution - Ilion chairman Wayne Channon. Four more words for you, then - gritted teeth and humble pie.

WHAT THE BUTLER SORE

PC Squealer cares, and just to prove it we would like to warn each and every person who kissed Penny Smith that GMTV's thinking man's crumpet had a cold sore smack bang in the middle of her top lip. So every prize winner and hot-blooded male who thought a snog with Penny would get them an audience with Lorraine Kelly will remember the experience for at least a week, until the little reminder dries up and drops off. And you all thought you'd just come away with a prize and a hangover. Luckily, Penny already had her very own cold sore before she arrived at the Channel Awards, so at least we know she didn't pick anything up from any of the channel's famous lotharios - you all know who you are.

IN GOLD BLOOD

Anyone who thought that excessive consumption died with the 80s should have been at this year's event. Apart from the battleship-floating amount of booze consumed, some interesting games were being played in the foyer.

Three modest dealers - too modest to give their names - were playing flick the card with their corporate gold cards. The loser - the person whose card finished furthest from the wall - had to pay up #50. PC Squealer was keen to take part, but his Tesco loyalty card was rejected by the players.

For pictures of the evening, turn to pages 54 & 55.