Happy new year to the red light district

Just 20 weeks to go before Armageddon - the year 2000 - and at last there is a sense of desperation creeping in at the government's Action 2000 offices.

Until now, Gwyneth Flower and her colleagues have been content to raise awareness that there may be a bit of a problem with computers, come New Year's Day.

Yet the organisations that seem woefully ill-prepared are mainly central and local government bodies, with Leader of the House Margaret Beckett warning just a few weeks ago that at least four Whitehall departments, including the Inland Revenue, were slipping behind on their bug-fixing projects.

Otherwise, Joe Public is more than prepared for the year 2000 meltdown.

Indeed, in the US, such is the state of readiness that a whole industry has blossomed out of providing life-saving essentials for the populace - everything from nuclear-proof bunkers and solar-powered ovens, through to hand-cranked flour mills and even wind-up radios, courtesy of our very own innovative genius, Trevor Bayliss.

Now it seems Action 2000 has accepted it doesn't need to enlighten businesses any more; it has instead turned its attention to giving a status report on the year 2000 readiness of our infrastructure.

Full-page adverts currently gracing the pages of newspapers provide traffic-light-style alerts on which part of Britain's fabric is at risk, with about 40 categories ranging from utilities and transport, to financial institutions and flood defenses. Categories lit red indicate a severe risk of disruption, yellow suggests some risk, while those with a green light are effectively given the all clear.

Curiously missing is the colour brown, which could have represented people who haven't a hope of being ready on time, and who may need not so much year 2000 software, but soft wear of the y-front kind.

What the adverts also indicate is that Action 2000 is starting to cover its own backside, so that if and when that brown stuff starts hitting the fan, at least it can say to the public: "We warned you."

The status report does make for interesting reading, though, and could guide dealers to happy hunting grounds in advance of the year 2000.

For instance, around one in nine town halls in Scotland is given the red light, meaning that many could soon be jettisoning their old computers as they upgrade to new millennium-compliant gear.

In fact, all Scotland's local government bodies admit to some risk of material disruption, even if 89 percent reckon they have containment plans in place.

Similarly, nearly a third of Northern Ireland's railway support systems face material disruption, as does London's Underground, two fifths of fire brigades and a staggering 97 percent of healthcare.

So in the rush for new business, avoid the Underground, trains and roads.

Getting caught in a crash is never a good idea, but especially so next January when road, rail and tube signals could be out of action, and while fire crews and hospital staff might be otherwise engaged.