Channel talk
Who could forget the vision of beauty and serenity that was Diana, Princess of Wales. Well it now seems that not only is she the queen of our hearts, but also queen of our computers. It appears a nasty virus has reared its ugly head, which when activated covers the screen in the first two verses of Elton John's tribute tune Candle in the Wind. Luckily the virus, which is only flashing up on Spanish computers at the moment, is benign and only appears via email. But at least it's comforting to think of Diana sitting at the big PC in the sky, still having a pop at the establishment.
Who is PC Squealer describing? Big hair, tight perm, large flares. No it's not half the channel when they were going through that tricky Bay City Rollers phase - it's the loveable footballer manager type Kevin Keegan. Cheeky Kev has endorsed a #1.5 million sponsorship deal with Demon Internet in what promises to be the largest kit endorsement in the whole wide world!
(Or at least the biggest one outside the premiership). Kevin 'feet of lighting' Keegan told the world that 'any club with ambition needs to make full use of the new media'. Isn't it wonderful then that twinkle toes himself has totally changed his opinion of the internet so quickly. Why only three months ago our Kev called the internet 'a monster that needs serious control' as he blamed it for 'horrendous rumours' about himself, Arsene Wenger and Steve Coppell. If only Kevin used to tackle as fast as he U-turns.
Tish to all that speculation of Azlan being sold off. The people's favourite distributor proves again it can fly in the face of adversity by continuing to invest in the salesmen of the future. A perfect example is Adam Trutwein, a wee slip of a lad who, at 14-years-old, is the youngest ever person to become a Novell Certified Network Engineer.
Not only that but Adam, who hails from Gillingham - the cultural centre of England - also became a Certified Network Administrator at the tender age of 13. Generous Azlan not only splashed out on sponsoring the little tyke in his quest for world domination, but assigned Alan Chapman, general manager to take Adam under his wing. Azlan's answer to Jim'll Fix It was so impressed by Adam he gushed: 'We hope his new qualifications will lead him into a bright and successful career.'
PC Squealer observes that Compaq UK MD Joe McNally's fortunes have certainly soared in recent years, and not just with his parent company's recent takeover of Digital. Apparently Joe has enjoyed a varied employment record which included a spell as a road sweeper and expert cleaner of bus shelters in his native town of Gateshead. Then, as McNally got himself a job as a steel stockholding clerk, the poor young fella got sacked from his exciting new position by none other then his own father.
And if that was not humiliating, enough McNally's mummy had to step in until Joe eventually got reinstated, subject to a #2-a-week pay cut, which were a lot of money in them there days. When questioned about his relationship with his father, McNally said, without one hint of irony: 'We didn't get on well.' No kidding Joe.
Ever thought you work with a bunch of lying toe-rags? Help is at hand. Truster is a wonderful piece of software which promises to turn your PC into a genuine lie detector. The simple deployment of micromodulations can apparently determine whether a person is speaking the truth or telling outright porky pies. Although originally conceived for use by the country's security forces, its accuracy rate of 85 per cent was deemed unacceptable so it got dumped into the corporate market. But judging by our experience of the people we speak to every day at PC Squealer, it seems likely that Truster will become the most popular software product of the year.
Microsoft has been accused of many things in the past but at least it looks after its staff. Only the other week PC Squealer was on the blower to a charming chappy from Uncle Bill's company when he revealed the secret of Microsoft's success - cola bottles.
Apparently, this particular chap chews the life-giving penny sweets as a source of fuel. And you thought that Microsoft used psychosymetric testing and share options to keep its staff motivated.