PCSQUEALER - CHANNEL TALK
Ode to Motorola
What do you get if you cross fine English literature and a technology company? A total culture clash, that's what. But try telling that to Motorola, which thinks it's all hoity toity now it's sponsored the Pendley Manor Shakespearean festival. Not only that, but Motorola was also charged with the big important job of looking after the car park with radio stuff - which shows how much Pendley Manor thinks of it. However, it looks like Motorola's marketing team has also been at the Brodies Notes - it tells us: 'Technology and culture are star-crossed lovers when it comes to communication.' Yeah, right.
Minister of the teen geeks
The IT industry is getting younger and younger as the Jamaican minister of commerce and technology proved when he appointed 13-year-old Makonnen David Blake Hannah as youth technology consultant to his ministry. But fear not, this is not another tale of a spotty youth sitting in his or her room for 12 hours a day fiddling with a mouse until he or she becomes a computer whiz (or saddo). Our Makonnen comes from a pretty cool family whose grandpappy, journalist and author Evon Blake, broke the colour barrier in the 1940s by jumping into a 'whites only' swimming pool. Fair play to him. So it looks like Makonnen will be continuing the illustrious family history - as long as he doesn't turn into an anorak.
Colour by numbers
PC Squealer loves receiving presents, especially those in the shape of wines bottles. But we didn't know we were born until we received a Signature Patch Lead from that wiley manufacturer Total Logic Solutions. By introducing the radical step of printing numbers on all those pesky cables, Total Logic Solutions does away with the nightmare of testing hundreds of bits of wire for hours on end to find out which of the buggers blew your computer up. Instead, you can simply spend days of frustration finding all the numbers but the one you want for the pesky lead that made the server explode. Not only does the Signature Patch Lead promise all this but it is available in seven different colours - what will they think of next?
As recently proved on these very pages, old people really know their false teeth from their firewalls (see Taxan and its mature range of glamour models). So it was nice to see one particular internet company treating a group of over-60s to a day on the Web. Set in Brighton, or as we like to call it, the blue rinse capital of Britain, these 'silver surfers' found once they clicked their mouse, they were hooked. On the downside, a few of the intrepid OAPs had a wee bit of trouble reading the screen, but once they changed their glasses to extra thick there was no stopping them. Strangest of all, the favourite site was the stocks and shares prices, so it's probably worth sneaking a look at that lumpy looking mattress granny has slept on for the past 30 years. Who knows what she's hiding in there.
Sad, sad - and even sadder
Those japesters at Web design company Bluewave must have high opinions of themselves. They've devoted a whole Web page to tell us what mad and crazy guys they are. First up in this bunch of social misfits is Web designer Willem Mulder who likes to indulge in 'brain bashing' and is a 'wearer of silly hats'. Strangely reminiscent of The Fast Show's Colin Hunt, wouldn't you agree. Next in line for electro shock treatment is Karen Ferebee who, as a 'communicator', loves 'textures, smells, tastes, activities, peacefulness, fun, life, emotions, reactions, achievements, excitement, warmth, sunlight, water and other groovy stuff'. By the way, the 60s were 38 years ago.
But PC Squealer's favourite 'crazy guy' by far is Aaron Savage who lives up to his name with interests such as walking Rupert (his pet poodle) and girls 'who adorn themselves in rubber, pvc, leather, velvet and lace'.
Kind of like Bonnie Tyler when she sang Total Eclipse of the Heart. Aaron goes on to tell us he also loves vampirism (yes, he's one of those) and gothic beauties are another fad of his. But it all starts getting silly when boastful Aaron tells the bored-to-death audience that he enjoys stunning the rest of the office by the number of telephone calls he receives from females. Here are a few words for you Aaron - reality check and pervy pay-per-view Website. Now be off with you.
Suckers for a laugh
This week's 'We love Bill Gates' story comes courtesy of two cheeky chappies at Intel who were working on the design of a recent version of the Pentium microprocessor. The engineers designed a message reading 'bill sux' into the middle of the chip, which was only discovered by accident after the technology went to market, much too late for Intel to stop the chip being used in tens of thousands of PCs. Darn. Apparently, the two engineers were former employees of Motorola, which makes the chips that are the heart of the Apple Macs. Not surprisingly, they don't work for Intel anymore.
Pat who?
As we move forward to that fateful date, every man and his dog is jumping on the year 2000 bandwagon. But the weirdest addition to this band of bores is rock and roll has-been Pat Boone, who has signed up for the year 2000 National Education Taskforce. Pat, who sang such classics as Speedy Gonzalez and Love Letters in the Sand, says he wants to increase understanding of the problem rather then scare the pants off people. It should also be noted that Pat enjoys heavy metal music and preaching about the good Lord Jesus Christ, so ignore him.
What a load of old Tosh
It doesn't take much to please some companies, but Toshiba takes the biscuit after announcing to the whole world that it had managed to break into the top 10 best selling desktop vendors in the UK's indirect PC market.
Fair enough, until you realise Toshiba came crashing in at a measly number nine. Sad as this may be, it gets worse - since Toshiba's position in the top 10 means it only has 1.3 per cent of market share. If only Toshiba's percentage was as big as its delusions of grandeur.
Two times a baby
Cabletron's UK managing director, Ray Sangster the Gangster, caused quite a stir on his recent visit to South Africa. Normally known as 'lucky Ray', the channel's favourite Scotsman managed to get robbed twice during his stay in the country. Poor old Ray got his passport, phone and drivers' licence nicked but, true to the Scottish blood running through his veins, he managed to keep a tight hold of his wallet. Ray insists that the double trouble didn't shake him up at all, but that's not what we hear, Mr Cry Baby Buntins.