CHANNEL TALK - PCSQUEALER
Horse of the year
James Brown once sang that it was a man's world, prompting a million women to turn round and say sod off. And with good reason, considering the goings on at the recent stag night for a well known industry bod.
To accompany all the usual liver-destroying drinking games, the chaps thought it would be tremendous fun to go betting and put a staggering #2 each on a horse named - wait for it - Spunky. Amazingly, the filly came first so none of the chaps were left with egg on their faces, so to speak.
In a blue funk
It isn't as if IBM is trying to scare you or anything, but the big blue thing recently told us about all the terrible things that can threaten you if you don't have a proper disaster recovery service. These include fire, flood, terrorist attack, viruses, bomb scares, explosions, strikes, power failure, equipment failure, supplier collapse, human error, sabotage and, last but not least, theft. It's a sad state of affairs when a vendor has to put the fear of God into its customers to persuade them to buy its products.
Hang the expanse
Regular readers of this illustrious column will know about the pure unadulterated delight PC Squealer experiences when it receives the latest magazine from the king of LCD, Sharp. In this month's instalment, Sharp thrills its dumbstruck readers with a recipe for Kaiserschmarr'n, a popular Austrian sweet dish which, according to the IT meister, 'reflects the evolution of the universe - expansion and contradiction - but after enjoying this fluffy dish you'll have to face your own expansion'. Someone call the humour police, please. Also included in the magical pages are the details of Sharp employees' pastimes, including Ms Pattanee Sricharoenchit's passion for stamps. Pattanee says she really likes collecting small bits of sticky paper because 'it's an interesting and relaxing hobby'. Pattanee added that she has the foresight to separate her small pieces of paper into categories such as kings, Buddhas, animals and fish. September was also an exciting time for Sharp's Malaysian branch, as it was graced by the presence of former Manchester United star Eric Cantona. The visit was a treat for everyone and, according to Sharp, 'left them with a lasting impression of Mr Cantona'. Just like the chap who was kicked in the head by one of Eric's boots.
Sign of the chimes
Isn't Tilven the luckiest company in the whole world? Not only is it based in the tourist centre of Britain, namely Fleet, but it has Mike Penny, the previous managing director of Omni Solutions, who is also known as the high priest of Feng Shui, working there as a consultant. Mike might get a kick out of his T'ai Chi and reaching nirvana with his Sounds of the Rainforest CD, but not everyone likes it, as a certain credit manager recently told PC Squealer. Our friend said: 'I really don't know about any of this Feng Shui stuff, but when I walked into the building a wind chime nearly took my head off.' Naturally, PC Squealer is sure that it was an accident and had absolutely nothing to do with Mike's visitor being a credit manager.
Karma ham
Art and technology go together like fried eggs and dirty ashtrays. But one company out to prove this theory wrong is the snappily named Wild Things, which brought out a lovely catalogue full of handheld control thingies for your game stations, illustrated with beautifully drawn pop stars. What Elton John has to do with control pads, Lord alone knows but doesn't the strategically placed press-down thing with an extra long cable look gorgeous? Other pop stars included in this console free for all are Boy George and Freddy Mercury, who looks suspiciously like recently departed Compaq bod Hugh Jenkins.
Sad case
Anyone who knows Nick Thackery, top nob at Vitec and leading sharp dresser, will sympathise with his plight at Los Angeles airport. Nick was on his way to the Autumn Var Vision conference and, to impress the big cheeses of the mighty US vendors, had packed more than #2,000 worth of his very best English and Italian-tailored threads. While waiting for the old Louis Vuitton luggage to come off the conveyer belt, Nick sniggered at what looked like a tramps' holdall trundling by on the carousel. He waited and waited for his designer suits but was left alone at the carousel as all the others collected their luggage and left. Taking a closer look, he saw that the tramp's baggage looked like the victim of a controlled explosion - and it had his name-tag on it. Indeed, it was his. Despite admitting baggage abuse, BA pointed to a sub-clause in its carrier agreement which limits its liability to under #400. Left without so much as a single sock to wear at Var Vision, Nick exacted revenge by parading around the airport and Var Vision all week with the pathetic, battered remains of his case. PC Squealer couldn't help pointing out to Nick that we had travelled by Virgin Atlantic, where your baggage gets more room than the humans in cattle class. Next week we shall publish a colour picture of the remains of Nick's case - unless, of course, he has settled his dispute with BA by then. But somehow we doubt it.
Unbridled fashion
Last week's unveiling by Hewlett Packard of its White Collection, its latest range of 'hot' products, was surreal by anyone's standards. Gathering at the swanky Cafe de Paris in London's fashionable West End, we took our seats in a makeshift auditorium, to be treated to the sight of two fine young lassies striding down a catwalk, looking statuesque in skimpy white dresses and with chicken wire in their hair. After all, it is London Fashion Week you know. As more models breezed in and out in true Alexander McQueen style (he's a fashion designer, ok?), it soon became clear that the White Collection was in fact a mundane grey, beige and misty buff assortment of printers and peripherals. Fortunately, the assembled press corp was supplied with an explanation by the master of ceremonies, who told us: 'It's called the White Collection because paper is white'. So that's all right, then. But as the evening wore on - horror of horrors - the flow of wine seemed to dry to a trickle. PC Squealer was left speechless when informed that a free bottle of vino was available only upon completion of a card that had been stamped by every last one of the 10 product marketing managers, all of whom were only too happy to be allowed to spew sales diatribes to their hearts' content. As it turned out, the best summing up of the evening's shebang came from a somewhat slurred Hewlett Packard bod, who dribbled: 'If I'm perfectly honest with you, I've never been so embarrassed in my life.' Poor lad.