PCSQUEALER - CHANNEL TALK
Let's hear it for the boy
Ah Sugar, ah Honey Honey - as that well known song goes. PC Squealer has managed to find its own little honey in the shape of Gavin Barnard.
He's the lucky lad that has qualified for the top eight list of the 'Hello, boys' in Britain's best-selling girls' magazine, Sugar. Our little cherub, Gav, was nominated by his sister because he has apparently got what it takes. Wahey! He obviously has something anyway, as this dear little Jamie Theakston lookalike works at that well-known distributor Computer 2000.
But Gavin, don't rely on your work colleagues to vote for you in the telephone competition, because C2000 doesn't allow any of its employees to call 0891 numbers. Shame on you C2000. Can't you make an allowance just this once and allow the boy his one moment of glory? After all, he's probably the best looking asset you've got.
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it
My stern's bigger than yours is what you're likely to hear Netscape founder Jim Clark smirk at Microsoft chief executive Bill Gates after he unveiled his massive cruise liner. It would appear every system aboard the 155ft Hyperion cruiser is linked to a central, uncrashable processor that can sail the ship, navigate it and inform the owner of its status remotely via the Net. Jim 'Tecchie' Clark even has a 720 CD staking system. With all this wonderful new technology on board, Jim is able to monitor everything from room temperature, sail trim, view from the top of the 193ft masthead and even the temperature of the toilet water (alright, we made the last one up but this is state of the art boat technology). Jim is so taken with his new toy that he has set up another company called Seascape, which is developing systems that allow sea captains to plot and load courses and check their equipment even before they get down to the docking bay.
Maybe Jane MacDonald from the BBC's docu-soap, The Cruise, could sing her latest ditty from her number one album for Jim as he cruises the oceans.
We know who you are
Fill in the missing word: ......... is one of the best kept secrets of the IT industry. Yeah right. While this could be applied to every company - because after all, journalists only ever seem to write about the nasty stories - surely this is just a ruse to admit that no one knows who the hell you are. So if your company recently sent out a press release stating that it was one of the best kept IT secrets, sorry but you won't see your name in lights - we've heard it all before.
Spammer in the works
Who dons green tights, has a cheesy grin and a blond quiff? No, it's not ACC's Nick Clarke after a night on the sauce, but Spam Man, the hair-brained idea from Fabrik to stop the flow of unwanted or junk email.
Apparently companies 'do not need to be swamped with rubbish and your network resources don't need to be wasted on unwanted solicitations'.
Oh, so is that why you sent us the information ridden release?
No Can do
Driving around Wallington early one morning, as you do, PC Squealer noticed that Canon either hasn't paid its electricity bill or doesn't know how to change a light bulb. The bright red Canon sign read 'non' instead.
We suggest that Canon's brilliant slogan of 'If anyone can, Canon can', should be changed to 'If anyone can, Canon non'.
Two sheets to the wind
Remember the film Animal House? The one where everyone gets drunk and breaks wind? Well, Lotus has decided to hold a party of its own in an Animal House style - a toga party. Someone at Lotus must have got very excited when John Belushi decides to run around in a sheet and jump about the room chanting 'Toga, toga', for this is exactly what it has decided to do - a toga party to celebrate the millennium launch of SmartSuite.
But can PC Squealer just point out that the males in the film only wanted to hold a toga party as they thought they might catch a glimpse of female flesh? Come on, own up Lotus.
Come again?
In the TV ads, prospective punters are encouraged to 'come to Comet'.
But when one person did, she ended up with a #62.50 clamping fee. At the retailer's latest sale, there was a sign saying that unless punters were shopping at the store, they would incur a car parking fine. But our intrepid shopper really was shopping there and after much haggling, her fine was returned to her as a 'goodwill gesture'. Cheers, Comet - we know where to come. Not.
We'll be in touch
Max Hotopf, channel character and editor in chief of PC Europa, has set new standards in interviewing techniques. Max is always to be seen swanning around in a Panama hat and a gracefully pressed white linen suit, looking like a more mature version of Martin Bell. But he also likes to cultivate an image 'au contraire' to that of the jet-set to which he definitely belongs. Therefore Max rides the leafy avenues of Colchester Business Park on a Mrs Marple-type bicycle, on which he set off to interview a candidate for a job. Interview concluded in an Colchester cafe, Max donned his hat, cocked it a little to the correct angle, stepped on the pedals while waving goodbye to his potential recruit - and toppled into a large pot-hole. Blood pouring from a split lip and damaged tooth, Max retrieved his hat, picked up his dignity and walked through the rest of the pitted streets of Colchester wondering whether he could now give his embarrassed witness a job.
Tickled pink
Have you heard the one about the captain and his red shirt? When his ship encounters a rival ship, he cries: 'Bring me my red shirt.' A battle starts with many casualties, but the captain wins through. The next day, the captain meets another two ships. Once again he cries: 'Bring my red shirt.' The battle is over but there are many more casualties. That night, someone asks the captain why he wears a red shirt. He replies: 'Because if I'm wounded in battle, you can't see it.' The next morning, the captain looks out and sees he's surrounded by 10 pirate ships. 'Bring me my brown pants,' he cries. This was told by Mike Pickett, the former chief executive of Merisel, at the recently held CyberChannels.
No doubt he got it from his experience at Merisel when he was wearing the brown pants during its cash-strapped days.