CHANNEL TALK - PCSQUEALER

Still recovering from the overtime we put in to bring you the news and gossip from the Comdef cruise, PC Squealer has again gone to extraordinary lengths to bring you the best and worst of the Networks Telecom '99 trade show in Birmingham.

Rain grounds helicopter hacks

It's rare that journalists are up early enough in the morning to see the sun rise, but Transition Networks' promise of a helicopter flight to Birmingham, with champagne breakfast stopover en route, had several eager punters setting their alarm clocks on the first day of the show.

To their credit, all managed to arrive at Battersea Heliport by 8.30am, only to find the helicopter was grounded due to poor visibility. A break in the weather allowed one chopper to take off but it returned to base when the skies opened up. With time passing by and frayed nerves heightened by coffee over-consumption beginning to take effect, the harassed PR representative co-ordinating the trip suggested a first-class train ride might be a more reliable method of transport instead. Making the Birmingham-bound train required a mad dash to the platform at Euston station - exercise being another new experience for the hapless hacks - but in the end, they made it to their destination. And being late did have its advantages. They had a choice of seats, unlike commuters to Networks earlier in the day who were affected by cancelled services and had to stand all the way to Birmingham because the trains were packed. Commendations to Transition for trying to assist with travel though. It's a shame a leading networking vendor, presumably with a lot more money, couldn't show similar foresight when it scheduled its press conference 10 minutes' drive away from the NEC. Fuming journos trying to get a taxi were heard to mutter a number of choice words under their breath as the company PR rep asked to help simply passed the request on to a hotel doorman before flouncing off to a chauffeured car that took her back to the main show.

Making the wrong statement

It's no secret that IT bods are somewhat style challenged, so it came as no surprise to PC Squealer that when Lucent Technologies tried to use a fashion store to demonstrate the possibilities of e-commerce, it all went horribly pear-shaped. The fictional 'Fashion Man' store stocked a range of apparel that even the buying department at Marks & Spencer would reject, and included a line of ties that frankly only Richard Whiteley would bother looking twice at. Or perhaps not. In an eerie co-incidence, presenter Rod Randall, alias executive vice president of marketing for the INS group at Lucent, wore a tie almost exactly the same as one displayed by 'Fashion Man'. That led PC Squealer to muse whether the venerable Mr Randall was also responsible for choosing the Led Zeppelin T-shirts Lucent is understood to have bought as gifts for its ISP customers.

Come fly with me

If, by chance, you were having problems attracting delegates to your stand, then you could have hired some people to dress up in black costumes and walk round on stilts. Apparently they were meant to look like flies.

Well it didn't work. In fact, the flies in seemed to get very upset when PC Squealer wanted to take a photo of them. No need to be embarrassed, guys. That well-known flies saying springs to mind.

Love thy neighbour - not!

A pair of pouting lips may have been the theme for Cabletron's stand at the Networks show, but the vendor was not in any mood to kiss and make up with its neighbour - and industry rival - Newbridge Networks at the event. PC Squealer understands Cabletron executives were furious about the loud renditions of various 1950s hits emanating from the Newbridge diner next door. It appears that Newbridge wanted to create a light-hearted approach to networks by giving punters the chance to sit down and have a milk shake and watch the guys shake a leg or two.

There was even a fabulous Buddy Holly impersonator. But this did not go down well with Cabletron - it went as far as to lodge a formal complaint to the organisers of the event. Cabletron was not alone in wishing Newbridge's team of oh-so-happy starlets would keep the music down, with many hangover-suffering delegates strategically avoiding the stand, despite its offer of free milk shakes and popcorn. Nevertheless, Newbridge stuck to the Happy Days strategy that its custom-made placemats brazenly likened to the vendor's own 'hip and changing' approach to the market. (It also managed to keep the noise below the maximum level so there was nothing else for the other companies to do but sit down and enjoy the music). Far be it for us marketing ignoramuses to cast aspersions on the analogy.

Tim's a smash hit with vendors

Competition for the attention of trade show delegates is a nightmare for marketing departments and many thousands of pounds are spent trying to differentiate one stand from another. But the simplest adornment can often be the most effective, as a number of enterprising vendors found out at Networks '99. During Wimbledon week there was no surer way to attract interest from a bunch of bored, semi-comatose attendees than via a humble television tuned to the good old BBC. Understandably, a couple of over-paid athletes in tight, white outfits grunting at each other every five seconds will get more of a response than the release of a hub, router or server, and a number of vendors took advantage. Indeed, one even delayed a product presentation to allow the 40-strong mob gathered around its monitor to see Britain's Tim Henman win the fourth set of his match against the American Jim Courier. But such is the fickleness of trade show delegates, the crowd dissipated all too rapidly once the product plugs started again.

HITS AND MISSES AT NETWORKS

It's not quite the channel awards, but PC Squealer takes great pleasure in presenting the highs and lows of the trade show we all love to hate.

Worst babe T-shirt: 21st Century Intelligence

We couldn't work out how a couple of well-endowed ladies in tight T-shirts boasting 'Do you want my number?' represented 21st century intelligence, but any old excuse for a booth babe will do, won't it?

Candidate for DIY advice from Handy Andy: Compaq Times are so tough for the computer giant right now that corners had to be cut - literally - in assembling its stand, leaving embarrassed staff holding parts of the display together so it wouldn't collapse.

Worst events management: Press Bar Sponsors

There's only one faux pas worse than not having enough beer to satisfy a bunch of journalists at a trade show - not having enough beer to satisfy a bunch of journalists at a tradeshow in Birmingham. We know who you are.

Best vendor showbag: Cabletron Systems

With a Swiss Army knife keyring, 3-in-1 booklite and combination travel clock and calculator enclosed, it won hands down. But competition was scarce, we're sad to say.

Worst stand theme: Star Wars

In a tight contest with car racing, this emerged as the most over-used, under-relevant theme of the show. The IT industry certainly did its bit to promote the upcoming film release, with a frightful number of vendors taking this unoriginal marketing option.

Best location for industry gossip: Metropole Hotel

At 4am on Wednesday morning, the main bar was still packed with delegates and vendors boozing and schmoozing to their livers' content.