PC SQUEALER - CHANNEL TALK
Porsche spice
Anyone fortunate enough to work at the heart of the channel has to be fast-moving and pumped full of adrenaline. But what of those fellow channellers who are 'resting' at the moment, awaiting the latest hot new thing to come their way? If you're James Maunder, he of ex-Azlan and ex-Landis fame, who also strangely resembles Sir Percy Percy from Blackadder, you show that you have a bit of style and turn your hand to selling some nice Porsches. Apparently James, like his good friend Landis MD Roger Paul, aka Swiss Toni, used to sell the odd car before entering the big bad world of the channel.
So it's nice to see James going full circle and getting back to his roots.
Big blue racket
No way are IT companies arrogant. Take IBM, for example, which recently sent out a kindly reminder that Wimbledon wouldn't be the same without the use of information technology. No prizes for guessing which special company is an Official Information Technology Supplier for the finest tournament known to woman or man, then. Apparently, IBM thinks technology and Wimbledon go together like strawberries and cream. Kind of like lemon juice and paper cuts.
The next dementia
Computer Associates (CA) stunned the world after unveiling plans for the release of its latest spinny-roundy techy product thingy, which it has lovingly named TND - The Next Dimension. Although the product might sound like something from Close Encounters of the Third Kind, it is actually a lot more ridiculous than anything Steven Spielberg could dream up. CA CEO Charles Wang blabbered on at this year's CA World about the way TND uses fuzzy logic, chaos theory and Einstein's theory of quantum dynamics.
Come again? He added that the software could help time travel and enable people to see into the future, which made PC Squealer wonder whether someone had spiked his tea. But no matter how mystical the product is, Wang and friends obviously failed to reap the benefits of its predictory powers and see that no one was going to show up for the final keynote address, delivered by our very own ex-PM John Major. Lord help us. But it could have been worse. Rumour has it that CA tried to secure the services of Maggie Thatcher, but when the baroness confessed she didn't know the difference between a keyboard and a keyring, paying #30,000 for the wisdom of the grey man himself seemed like a good idea. Honest.
Feltz tip
The ever so lovely Liza Minelli once sang Life is a Cabaret, which PC Squealer is sure Lloyd Pinder, Ingram Micro VP of sales, would agree with since he reached the dizzy heights of fame and fortune. But how did our little glamour puss achieve this? By appearing in none other than waiting room classic Hello magazine as the guest of TV's favourite sugar plum fairy, Vanessa Feltz. In celebration of the Feltz daughter's batmitzvah, a gigantic party was held with swaths of pink things all over the place, which as you can see brought out the colour in Lloyd's cheeks. In fact, Lloyd was so proud of himself, he was seen distributing copies of the intellectual's favourite magazine all over the place. According to Vanessa, during her husband's speech there were 12 breaks for sobbing: 'Every time he cried, everyone cried - then laughed because it was amazing we could all be howling like that.' It probably reminded Lloyd of a normal day in the sales office at Ingram.
Houston, we have a problem
PC Squealer absolutely refuses to hear anything negative said about Compaq, especially since a recent trip to its Houston office revealed that the multi-billion-trillion pound company really knows how to treat its guests.
First, PC Squealer was treated to Compaq's tight security measures - every time we went to the toilet, we were escorted by some doozy from the company.
Now, some people would call this mind-numbing paranoia, but PC Squealer thinks Compaq was just making sure we were comfortable. Second, there was a ban on bringing other manufacturers' machines into the Compaq building.
Again, this could be construed as acute psychosis but Squealer says no, no, no to such a suggestion. Finally, Compaq put its money where its mouth is and splashed out on a meal at the Cadillac Bar and Grill, where simply delightful food was served which can only be described as Tex Mex. It's great to see how classy big companies can be.
Black add-ons
The PC Squealer offices were recently visited by two very smart gentlemen from a company called Tobit Software. Not Two-Bit, as a less charitable person suggested. Anyway, things started to get spooky when PC Squealer noticed the Tobit two were wearing identical black outfits. Following an extremely brief briefing, our men in black departed. They left various items to remember the company by, including some Blues Brothers-style dark glasses, a pair of underpants and a lollipop. If only they had left one of those flashing things in Men in Black that erases your memory - the dream present for a journalist.
It's the Wayne that you do it
Imagine, if you will, a wee man with golden flaxen hair and a smile which could melt butter, bouncing and jostling on a strong feisty beast secured only by the iron muscles in his legs. It's PC Squealer's favourite Peter Pan of distribution - Wayne Channon, chairman of Ilion, on a bucking bronco at his 40th birthday party. Our Wayne really pushed the boat out by inviting well over 200 people, including PC Squealer, to his gigantic farmhouse in Sussex. Guests participated in various fun and games, including Barfly, which involves covering yourself in Velcro and throwing yourself at a wall. The party-crazy people continued well into the night under a big white marquee, while beer and spirits were served from a small but well-scrubbed stable outside. But the best news of the evening was that Wayne was informed by his lovely wife that he was going to be a daddy again, which made PC Squealer simply tingle with happiness.