CHANNEL TALK - PC SQUEALER
Cold front for tartan trekker
Ever heard of Russian flu? No, neither have we. But it appears that the channel's most lovable rogue, Ray Sangster, UK managing director at Cabletron, caught a dose after a recent sojourn to the snowy climes of the East.
Apparently, Ray was wandering around Russia in a wee kilt with nothing underneath, which would have been fine apart from the fact that it was - 20C and the ground was covered in 18 skin-tightening inches of snow. And Ray - or, as PC Squealer has now christened him, Mr Freezeyourbollocksov - wonders why he's got a cold.
Stun fun for LA bright sparks
Cast your mind back to a week ago, when we told you all about the reseller jolly of a lifetime, involving a load of dealers floating halfway around the globe courtesy of ACC. Well, PC Squealer wouldn't like you to feel smug about what we're about to tell you - actually, that's a lie, we would - but it seems that some of the chaps out there got into a bit of a scrap. According to one of our naughty little informants, Nick Morse, European business development director at ACC, and Martin Hewitt, managing director at Jaguar Communications, were sitting in the foyer at a posh hotel in sunny Los Angeles after jetting halfway across the Pacific Ocean. Poor babies. Both were in dire need of a ciggy so decided to spark up right there and then. The moment they reached for their matches, half the hotel's security were upon them and it took the rest of the freeloaders - sorry - resellers to try to persuade the guards not to zap Nick and Martin with their stun guns. Which might have shocked the hell out of Martin but we're not too sure if it would have made any difference to Nick's usual demeanour.
Delectable duo under cover
Very rarely is there a lull in the storm that is the PC Squealer office, but when things do calm down for an hour or so we have chance to rifle through all the various bits and bobs that all you generous channel types have sent us. We were therefore pleased as punch to receive a picture of ex-Creative Labs marketing manager Julia Duthie and ex-Datrontech OEM manager George Evans standing shoulder to shoulder in a publicity photo for the launch of their latest venture, Making Markets. But on closer inspection, there seemed something very familiar about this particular coupling. Did Duthie and Evans looks like Bonnie and Clyde? Or was it Sonny and Cher? Could it be Tom and Jerry?
Then it clicked. They are the channel's very own Dempsey and Makepeace - bastions of the TV cop show that time forgot. Watch out, you dodgy dealers.
Boob gets hack out on a limb
After a long and tiring week bringing you all the latest news and gossip from Comdex, your humble reporter was offered the chance to go to a 'traditional all-singing and all-dancing' show in one of Las Vegas' classiest venues.
Not wanting to be a party pooper, the invitation was accepted and a weary gang of European hacks duly assembled in the bar, where tickets were handed out by an over-enthusiastic PR bodette. It was only upon closer examination of the tickets did signs of life begin to twitch on the hacks' faces - and, quite possibly, on other parts of their anatomy. In fact, their eyes nearly fell out of their heads when they stepped into the auditorium to be faced by a legion of 'beautiful' bare-breasted laydees, apparently involved in some bizarre parody of Samson and Delilah. Unfortunately, one Polish hack got a wee bit carried away and his own attempt at a 'quick flash' (with his camera) resulted in an unseemly exit courtesy of a rather huge bouncer. Serves him right, the little perv.
Bill 'laugh-a-minute' Gates
Who said nerds have no sense of humour? The ultimate nerd himself, Microsoft king Bill Gates, proved that being dull and extremely self-important doesn't mean you can't laugh at yourself (even if he was wearing a 1970s Dennis Waterman-style, brown V-neck sweater for his keynote speech at Comdex).
But all credit to him (or his PR machine) for the video montage of Microsoft's tribulations this year, including the pie-in-the-face incident in Brussels, Windows 98 crashing during a demonstration in Chicago, and not forgetting MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch special - Bill Gates versus Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley - where a plasticine Flatley took Gates' head clean off with a viscous high kick. The roar of approval from the assembled 15,000 was, quite frankly, disturbing.
Profound? Or pap? You decide ...
You'll all be very excited to know that after months of deliberation, those marketing geniuses at Rockwell have finally come up with a name for its semi-conductor spin-off. Didn't you know it was looking for a new name? Where on earth have you been? Anyway, we feel compelled to inform you (as Rockwell did us) that 'Conexant' is the name it has come up with.
Why Conexant? Apparently the 'connect' root signifies bringing people together through communications, putting ideas into motion and merging technologies into integrated solutions. The 'next' root represents a forward-looking orientation, with a disciplined next-step application. And, best of all, the suffix 'ant' implies a proactive action-oriented approach to business. Is this marketing jargon malarkey going a little bit too far or is it pure, unadulterated pants?
Heart-warming stuff
It is always a pleasure and never a chore to mercilessly take the mickey out of the channel and its inhabitants. But every once in a while PC Squealer's cold little heart melts when we come across tales about decent people doing nice things. Take, for example, Jon Letts, managing director at BMC Software, who recently did the world's second highest bungee jump over the Zambesi River in Zimbabwe. Now Jon isn't as mad as a bean - he was actually risking life and limb in aid of charity for the MacMillian Cancer Relief, which counselled Jon's father who passed away from cancer earlier this year.
Jon has so far raised over #2,000, so fair play to him. In a way it's shame that such a nice chap should decide to jump from such a scary height.
PC Squealer could think of plenty of revolting people we would love to push over the Zambesi River. And that's without a bit of elastic tied round their leg.
Object of disgust
Do you work in a virtual office? Does talking to your colleagues mean plugging in the videoconferencing machine? Do you have absolutely no taste whatsoever? Well, this fine piece of furniture is just the thing for you - the Computer Cupboard! Apparently, this monstrosity blends into any room you desire, including the bedroom, sitting room and for those who like working in the porch - the entrance hall. There's plenty of room to store all those bulky peripherals and all those messy wires. But let's be realistic - unless you're living in a 1980s timewarp, why would you want it in your home?