CHANNEL TALK - PCSQUEALER

Scoring an own goal

Unless you're dead from the neck up (which may be a good proportion of you) then you'd have noticed the World Cup is just around the corner.

So it should come as no surprise to see the wonderful world of computers getting into the spirit of things, and in no way exploiting one of the world's great sporting events. You don't have to be Mystic Meg to predict that half the stands at this years Networks Show are going to be going football crazy, and Jaguar Communications is no exception to this rule. Under the imaginative banner 'Intra-(the)-Net', Jaguar will be giving way some World Cup shirts and footballs on the condition that you go up on stage and try to answer some questions about football that you're bound to get wrong and will end up embarrassing yourself. Enjoy.

The channel drove him to it
PC Squealer doesn't have to tell you how stressful it can be to work in the channel. What with all those boxes to shift and all those pints that need drinking. But we had no idea things had gotten so bad for poor Allan Chapman, he of ex-Azlan fame. Recently, PC Squealer rang him up for a little chat only to be shocked at the report by his wife that our Allan was under a car. Luckily, the lovely Allan was just using his skills to sort out one of those annoying little rattles that can drive you mad.

Still, at least Allan is putting his ample leisure time to good use.

Champagne charlie
It's a hard life working in sales as any fast-talking, commission-grabbing lunatic will tell you. So PC Squealer can just imagine all those faces across the channel turning green with envy at the revelation that a particular chap in sales won a stack of money on the National Lottery and didn't have to schmooze and hassle one single customer to get it. The lucky chap in question works at a certain Berrys of Holborn and was in the middle of glugging about three magnums of champagne when PC Squealer rang up. And no wonder since our very own Little Lord Fontleroy managed to scoop a massive #250,000 in prize money. Now we're sure everyone would like to offer the man in question their congratulations, but unfortunately no one is allowed to even know his name in case people start sending him begging letters. Not that anyone would even dream of doing that - honest.

Fiddling with funny shaped balls
If you're one of those people who enjoys nothing more than pinging other blokes' jock straps and bathing with a load of muck-ridden loud mouths playing 'find the soap', then LG Electronics rugby knees-up is right up your street. These kindly techies have taken it upon themselves to fix up a big old rugby tournament, imaginatively entitled 'The LG Electronics Computer Sevens', and it's all in the name of charity.

There's also the added incentive at this year's competition that Osmosis has won the trophy for the past four years in a row. So if anyone fancies their chances with Osmosis' MD John Fenton and his loyal marketing man Alex Campbell - who PC Squealer hears looks like a chubby blonde version of superman - then scrum on down.

Simply the best
Hold onto your pants retailers, because a test of mind-numbing complexity that would have even the most accomplished member of Mensa shaking in her boots is coming your way. In order to find the best retailing person in the whole wide world, Hitachi Credit's consumer division, Nova, is running the competition for 'The 1998 Retail Finance Award for ... blah, blah, blah, whatever'.

It's like the Holy Grail for retailers and involves any number of retail types being intensively questioned by a mystery telephone shopper on all sorts of product type things like 'are batteries included?' and 'where does the plug go on this?' Looks like they're in for a hard time then.

You should see my mother
People who have the absolute good fortune to work in IT are a modest bunch. Like this little chap from IT World Consultants, who helpfully sent in this photo of himself in the hope that PC Squealer could include it with his stunningly informative and interesting press release. Here it is then - it's our pleasure to serve you.

Groupie action
Just to continue on this weeks sporting theme, PC Squealer was blessed with the good fortune to find some long-lost photos of chipper-looking account manager types from Kyocera whopping it up at an Ingram Micro showcase thingy. Pictured with the lucky ladies is hunky Victor Ubogu Bath RFC and England rugby type, who we think you'll agree is a fine figure of a man. However, PC Squealer was worried about just one thing - Victor must have played with bigger balls than this before.

As a token of Mac affection
PC Squealer is a little sad to report that Microsoft and Apple are tucked up together even more snugly than recent reports have suggested. What, pray tell, could lead us to such a conclusion? Only the annual drink fest known as the MacWorld Awards and the strange choice of winners who picked up their chunky phallic-shaped prizes. Although PC Squealer's head was clouded by the ridiculous amounts of champagne consumed at The Savoy, we did recall Jonathan Hulse, applications manager at Microsoft, proudly accepting two of the shiny penile prizes for the Office 98 Mac edition - which is vaguely understandable - and, bizarrely, also for the infamous Internet Explorer. Odd since Netscape is the choice of every single Mac user. So it seems as if this unholy alliance is well and truly sealed.

Also strange was the audience's failure to boo and hiss as the man from Microsoft picked up each award - previously a much-loved tradition.