CHANNEL TALK - PCSQUEALER
It's a male thing
According to most men, size doesn't matter, which all ladies know is a pack of lies. But recently, a little bird told PC Squealer about two companies that took this theory a wee bit far. Apparently, one of the businesses in question - we'll call it company A - decided it was time to move and acquired a nice bit of land next to its competitor, which shall be known as company B. Now, company B was far from happy, but what could it do - business is business. However, once the construction of company A's building got underway it soon became clear it was going to tower above its competitor. This didn't go down too well with the chairman at company B, who decided to install blinds throughout his office and now lives in perpetual artificial light like a rabid vampire. There is a moral to this story, but PC Squealer was too busy reading The Female Eunuch to bother thinking one up.
All good dogs go to heaven
It's not often that cynical old PC Squealer gets upset, but shed a tear we did when Frank Sinatra finally went to that big concert hall in the sky. However, fear not because the memory of 'The Voice' continues to live on courtesy of the internet, where his family has constructed its own Web site. Complete with all sorts of heart-rending tributes, the site also includes lots of pictures of the man himself, although PC Squealer is not too sure Ol' Blue eyes would be chuffed with half the universe gawping at pictures of him wearing what can only be described as a toupee.
Anyway, here's a picture of Frank's dogs - just to show he kept his tough-guy image right to the very end.
Sugar, spice and all things Lycra
What do Amstrad chairman Alan Sugar and Mad Lizzie - TVAM's former exercise guru - have in common? It's not a penchant for leotards and legwarmers, although PC Squealer is sure Sugar would look like a honey in a tight-fitting Lycra ensemble. But rather, both are into the concept of keeping fit, and since Sugar has brought out a product called the Bodyskate, he should have no trouble keeping his buns as firm as two slabs of steel.
The product, which apparently looks like an iron on wheels, comes courtesy of Integra, a division of Amstrad that has already yielded the Face Care System product - whatever that is. The Bodyskate is so groovy that even Jeremy Guscott, the England Rugby Union star, uses it with his wife. 'We set it up and off we go,' he quipped. Sugar even uses the product himself, especially the Face Care System, which he says helped get rid of the furrows in his brow. No doubt caused by the fun and games at Amstrad.
Madness in Gatesville
Underneath that harsh, nerd-like exterior, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is just a big old softie who loves his daddy to bits. So much so that Billy has splashed out and bought his pappy a nondescript house slap bang in the middle of the desert, with only a few coyotes and bits of tumbleweed for company. Bless. In fact, Bill is such a generous chap that instead of buying his dad a place surrounded by other houses and neighbours, he decided to build his dad a town all of his own - probably to keep the riff-raff out. Talk about doing things the hard way. But it is a nice thought and in no way insane at all. At least no one could accuse Bill of having more sense than money.
Not the full Monte
Hewlett Packard could well be the party poopers of the year. On a recent press trip to Monte Carlo, PC Squealer expected to be wined and dined and showered with casino tokens all night long. Which of course is only fair and right. But imagine our dismay when at 9.30pm, those HP ravers had run off to bed and were snoring their little hearts out, dreaming of inkjet printers and scanners. Luckily, HP kept a tab at the bar for all the thirsty journalists - for purely medicinal reasons. Imagine the fun they missed out on.
Parker's last stand
Who says that people who work in the channel haven't got two brain cells to rub together? What about David Parker, regional business manager at Bay Networks who, at a recent seminar, informed the world: 'If you stand still for long enough you will eventually die.' Could David be the next Einstein? You decide.
Just pulling your egg
Ever wondered what becomes of the broken-hearted? Well, wonder no more, as those crazy Japanese japesters have launched a lovely product called 'Lovegety' to help you find the perfect mate. The egg-shaped electronic device beeps with ecstasy every time a likely lover comes within 15 feet - but only if they've invested in a Lovegety too. Apparently it's already a big hit in Japan, as one 21-year-old desperado explains: 'It's a great way to break the ice, it takes away the embarrassment of having to ask whether girls are available.' So walking round with something that could easily be mistaken for a Chinese love egg isn't embarrassing?
Get a life.
Gladiolus to see you
Where on earth are Tplc picking their staff from nowadays? PC Squealer would like to say g'day possum to Joan Williams, who has been awarded for being top swot at Tplc. Our Joan is such a whizz kid that she won two gold awards for being the best sales type in the world. She even got to fly to Bermuda to collect her trophies from parent company ICL and had the dubious honour of meeting Dame Edna Everage. PC Squealer has no idea what the Dame was doing at an ICL conference, but it could be that no one at ICL wanted to present the award.
Brand new heavy
There appears to be a trend in the channel with every man, woman and dog giving something to charity. You only have to look at Computacenter founders Philip Hulme and Peter Ogden, who donated tons of dosh to 'chirity' to see that the channel is not just full of a bunch of heartless wenches.
So it's no surprise to see Ingram Micro and Dr Solomon's jumping on the bandwagon by giving #10,000 to the Comedy Store Fund for Sick Children.
Not only did Ingram get to express its more caring and sharing side, but it also gets to make friends with Jo Brand (run to the hills, boys). What a bonus.