PCSQUEALER - CHANNEL TALK
Highland fling
Hey, take a look at this groovy picture. Now you might think these two loyal IBM employees are throwing this box on the floor in an experiment to check whether it will stand up to extreme force or whether the packing will go flat and break in two. But, as always, you would be completely wrong. It's just the jolly little games they play at Big Blue's Scottish manufacturing plant in Greenock - you know the one where two girls clap hands with each other and say a little rhyme.
Dark horse
PC Squealer is happy to give credit where credit is due, and this week's lucky winner is none other than the Peter Pan of distribution himself, Wayne Channon, chairman of Ilion. Wayne told us quite proudly that he had won first and third place at the Show Water Dressage Competition.
Of course, Mr Channon in his true unbashful and high standard kind of way, sighed: 'I wish I could have got both firsts.' We're sure that you soon will, Wayne. After all, look at what you have managed to achieve since you reined in the staff at the helm of Ilion.
Personnel services
We all know how much job interviews, like first impressions, count. So PC Squealer has made a list of examples of how some people in IT have tried to wheedle their way into companies. According to reliable sources, they are all true - honest.
1 One interviewee wore a Walkman, saying she could listen to both the interviewer and the music.
2 A balding candidate abruptly excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
3 The candidate asked to see the interviewer's CV to see if they were qualified to judge them.
4 The candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and fries in the interviewer's office, wiping the ketchup on her sleeve.
5 One interviewee stated that, if he was hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty to the company by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
6 Another interrupted the interview to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific questions.
7 When asked about hobbies, a candidate stood up and started tap dancing around the office.
8 At the end of the interview, another candidate went through the interviewer's bag, took out a brush, brushed his hair and left.
9 One pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a picture of the interviewer, saying he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
10 Another said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
11 While the interviewer was on a phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos, lingering on the centrefold.
12 During the interview, an alarm clock went off from a candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologised and said he had to leave for another interview.
13 An applicant's attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled out, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
14 Another asked who the babe was, pointing to the photograph on the desk. When told it was the interviewer's wife, he asked if she was home and for her phone number.
15 Pointing to a black case he carried into the office, a candidate said if he was not hired, a bomb would go off. Disbelieving, the interviewer began to state why he would never be taken on and that he was going to call the police. The applicant then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but the shocked personnel manager did need a new desk.
The girl can't help it
Regular Channel Talk readers will remember the name of Anita McCabe, the former sales and marketing director of Sphinx/CST, known as the 'dealer babe', a phrase coined by the channel for their favourite female in the industry. But what kind-hearted little phrase can we now come up with for Anita? She has since got married and now calls herself Anita Bowles.
According to Anita, hers and her loved ones' eyes met across a crowded service contract as Mr Bowles was the distribution manager at Oracle, with which Sphinx had a relationship. So what can it be? Anita Bowles, dealer foals? Anita Bowles, dealer goals? Anita Bowles, dealer moles?
Actually, if anyone else can think of any other little phrases, then let us know and you could win a night out with the woman herself. (Subject to approval, of course).
Gone to the dogs
Those research guys at Sony really know what we need. Walkmans, PlayStations - yep, it's got its finger on the pulse. So what have we in store for next year? What essential gadget will we all be drooling over? Is it your dream come true? It's a robot dog. It's got everything - cameras for eyes, voice recognition, so it'll bound up to you, microphones for ears, it'll be nice and fluffy, but it won't poo, need watering or feeding (presumably as long as it's millennium compliant). So apparently it's ideal for yuppies.
It could be fun though - it'll certainly scare the hell out of the old-fashioned dogs and what happens when you chuck a stick, or do you need an iron bar? I mean, that could be a tad dangerous. And as if that isn't enough - there's more oddness: it's fully modular. You can unscrew its head and legs, add some different ones and hey presto, you have a robot cat or robot canary or robot gerbil. It all sounds just ... too freaking scary.
It's sheep we're up against
Whatever next? Intel and the speed bumps on its chip road map have got a lot to answer for. In the absence of fitter and faster computers to sell, some companies are promising to differentiate machines in other ways. Enter the Monimals Trading Company, a promoter of and its eponymous product range, which the firm describes as a 'wacky line of furry computer wear,' (who the hell uses the word wacky apart from 'craaazzzy' sad, mad-tie wearing marketing bunnies, anyway?) used to adorn monitors, presumably to appeal to the mentally unbalanced among us.Those jolly japesters have got moose, cow, lion and sheep Monimals complete with screen savers and sound effects 'to bring the character to life.' Now PC Squealer says how about a PC that works without costing the earth?
The Grim Bleeper
It seems one gentleman spent so long on his portable phone that it only seemed apt to have one as a grave stone. How sick can you get? But it could also be warning if you use your car, video, television, console, PC, internet etc, etc too much. So surely the message is here, guys - get a life before life gets you.