PC Squealer - Channel talk
Absolutely Hamed
What do Watford Electronics and world boxing champion Prince Naseem Hamed have in common? Absolutely sod all, but try telling that to Watford Electronics, which has insisted on including the pint-sized puncher in its mail-order catalogue. Apparently, Prince Naseem is a close personal friend of Watford Electronic's joint managing director Nazir Jessa. However, PC Squealer thinks plastering Prince Naseem's face all over a load of PCs could be stretching the realms of friendship just a little bit too far.
Back to the egg
PC Squealer would like to say a big thank you to Sharp for sending us the latest interesting edition of its company magazine.
You may remember Sharp as the company that waxed lyrical about the healing property of LCD in its last publication. The LCD lover has really surpassed itself in this month's magazine, which not only feeds a fact-hungry reader treats such as a recipe for pepper steak orientele but also introduces a section about the favourite hobbies of its employees. Under the heading 'Crazy About', Sharp reveals the 'unique and interesting hobbies' of four of its Mexican employees, including Carmina Guerrero. Carmina, a telemarketing supervisor, enjoys nothing more than collecting eggs. Yes, that's right, eggs. Carmina has 380 in all sorts of colours and materials. Not to be outdone by her colleague, purchasing supervisor Beatriz Gutierrez quite simply collects pens. Beatriz now has 300 from all over the world and quipped: 'The funny thing is, I never intended to start a pen collection.' Get a life, for God's sake.
Automatic pirate
It's never nice when you're the victim of a burglary and your company ends up losing thousands of pounds. Take, for example, Scottish company Thompson Litho, which had loads of Microsoft products nicked. At least they can find consolation in the words of David Gregory, Microsoft UK anti-piracy manager, who wisely said: 'Software theft is an increasingly serious issue involving criminal activity.' Well done, Sherlock.
The lard is my shepherd
It's not just eating curries at lunchtime that gives you a fat back, you know. Simply wearing a shirt and tie can play havoc with your lard-ridden love handles by overheating your spine, which in turn makes your brain tell the rest of your body to cool down so that big globs of fat normally burned off are stored in your guts. Got that? Now, this sounds like a load of old pap to us here at PC Squealer, but then again, we're all lithe and thin from constantly running after dodgy businessmen. But for you butterballs who are worried about your weight, a company called Adrenaline has invented a polo shirt that cools you down and keeps those fatty deposits from forming. Although looking at the size of some of you channelers, you might need a cooling tent.
Classroom violence
It's that time of year again, when people's attention turns to what they should buy their kids for Christmas (after all, it's only four months away). What could be better than a copy of computer game Dr Helmet Wersler's Cruelty Zoo, which teaches your children the fine art of bludgeoning animals with their joystick. Or why not treat them to a game entitled Road Rash 3D, where your child can practice smashing motorbike riders with sticks and chains. What fun. Who says there's a problem with the youth of today?
From dawn til desk
For all you big kids out there who always wanted to be James Bond but didn't quite have the style and looks, a fine piece of carpentry, called a Powerdesk, should be right up your street. Not only can you hide your PC from that pesky sales director who knows full well you haven't hit this month's target, but you can push floppy disks into small slot underneath your desk just for a laugh. The makers of this wonder of modern craftsmanship say the desk allows you to access your affairs from anywhere in the world: 'No more lugging laptops anywhere!' Instead, you can pull a desk everywhere with you so you can read your email anytime. Not very travel friendly, is it?
Granny awards
Does your grandma still give you a Wagon Wheel when you go round to her house? Are you still her 'little Davey'? Do you wear that nice woolly pullover with the sheep on the front when you go round for tea? Of course you do, which is why Taxan has employed the services of many an old lady in its booklet of computers. It includes quotes such as: 'In all my years, I've never seen such a range of monitors' or 'Ooh, isn't technology wonderful' - two things you probably never hear from your customers. Which is why you still let your granny talk to you like an imbecile.
Having a Butcher's
PC Squealer is beginning to wonder whether people at Memory Plus do any work at all, after receiving news that those naughty types have been up to their usual drunken shenanigans at managing director Richard Burnett's recent stag weekend. The evening of debauchery started at the company boat, Nautiplus. A company boat? This isn't Dallas, you know. Anyway, after the crew of drunken oafs left the ship and finished being banned from most of the pubs and kebab shops in the area, they ended up in a nightclub. Every one of them got so disgustingly drunk, that on their return to the boat two of the party fell asleep in a rather compromising position. PC Squealer is pleased to report technical manager Paul Stevens and Neil Butcher are now on more than just first name terms.
Mike - just do it
No way is Skillsgroup chairman David Southworth the most boring man in the channel. Not even the story he insisted on telling everyone at Comdef about meeting Blackburn Rovers can dampen PC Squealer's enthusiasm for him. So we couldn't understand it when we heard a tale about a Skillsgroup Christmas party. As a special treat, David got up and gave his usual rambling speech about how wonderful the company was when his mike began to act up. Poor old David sounded like a Lancashire version of Jimi Hendrix as the feedback continued to run through the cables and no amount of banging the mike on the side of the stand could rectify it. The truth was that a certain, now ex-employee does a wicked feedback impression which he managed to keep up for 10 whole minutes, thus saving everyone from David's interesting stories about printer sales. Shucks.
One Fane day
Sean Fane, general manager of InterQuad Distribution, would probably like PC Squealer to include the blurb he sent us about a reward day the company held for its resellers. The over-enthusiastic Sean took it upon himself to send in five incredibly slow-downloading, system-clogging emails containing the same info. What a shame we haven't got quite enough room.