PC SQUEALER - CHANNEL TALK
LARA AT LARGE AS THE BEST OF BRITISH
Lara Croft fans - and we know there are a few of you out there - will be chuffed to learn that the curvaceous cyberbabe is destined to appear on posters and leaflets at trade fairs across the globe, now that she has been chosen by those saddos at the DTI as the UK's Ambassador for British Scientific Excellence. It appears that Lara's formidable assets and immense firepower represent the cutting edge of British technology.
We're sure that Tomb Raider's owner, Eidos, is well pleased with the free advertising, but it makes us wonder who will be next - Duke Nukem as Secretary General of the UN Security Council? Road Rage III sponsoring the Christmas anti-drink driving campaign?
BUGGING COMMUTERS OVER Y2K
As if getting to work wasn't hard enough, one of PC Squealer's pals was battling valiantly through the hell that is Victoria train station's ticket hall in the morning rush hour, only to find her way even more hampered than usual. Mixed up with the normal quota of tourists, schoolchildren and Americans asking where they can find the subway, were large numbers of very young men in grey suits assailing other very young men in grey suits - obviously on their way to the office - with armfuls of leaflets.
Closer inspection of one of the leaflets, sadly trodden almost to mush on the wet floor, revealed that the Action 2000 boys were actually doing something useful at last by shouting out ominous warnings to passing commuters of the calamity to come if their businesses didn't get to grips with the millennium bug. Resorting to this kind of street-level awareness campaign smacks of desperation to PC Squealer and we're not sure how effective it would be anyway. The majority of commuters at Victoria travel on Connex South East and were probably more concerned at being made late every day for three weeks on the trot than whether the whole office was going to go 'Bing!' when they eventually got there.
GUNNING FOR MICROSOFT
Frustrated Microsoft users in the US have been using guns to vent their anger on Seattle's favourite company. Systems administrators and programmers are among the many unhappy users flocking to a Baltimore shooting range. Fortunately for Microsoft, it isn't its executives facing the firing range but its product manuals, floppies and instruction videos.
IT executives visiting the range have even been known to raid their company bins for discarded PCs and keyboards to bring along in order to shoot them to bits. Good for them. Watch out, Gates!
GATES 'DOESN'T TALK TO DOGS' SHOCK
Talking of Gates, US shrinks have been spending their valuable time arguing over whether he is a control freak, sociopath or anti-hero, after hearing the testimony he gave during the Microsoft anti-trust trial. The mental health experts expounded their opinions after viewing two hours of the Microsoft chairman and chief executive's video-taped testimony. Although the trio claimed they were ethically and legally prohibited from drawing absolute conclusions about Gates' psyche without talking extensively to him first, they said they were able to point to behavioural patterns that might give some clues to his personality. Ronald Ebert, a forensic psychologist, said: 'It's very clear that Gates is a person who needs to remain in complete control of a situation,' but added that he was masterful in the way he handled David Boies, the Department of Justice (DoJ) prosecutor, while giving testimony. 'He just toyed with the prosecutor.
Non-verbally, he says "Just in case you thought you were in charge, I just want you to know that nobody is in charge of Gates",' he explained.
Ebert said Gates' only odd behaviour was his rocking, which he concluded was how the Microsoft boss remained focused. But he did not see Gates as a genius. According to Jack Levin, sociologist and university professor, Gates could fall into the category of sociopath - a person who displays aggressive, anti-social behaviour. 'He's able to manipulate the reigns of power without heavy emphasis and ethics. He controls with moral impunity. He shapes the truth to his own liking. Gates isn't afraid to go outside of (society's) established rules and regulations,' he attested.
But he believed that Gates was more crafty than crazy. 'He's not the least bit confused, doesn't talk to dogs, hallucinate or hear words spoken in an empty room. Some psychotics may be as smart as Gates, but they are generally much more confused,' he said. Finally, Harold Bursztajn, a Harvard Medical School clinical professor, suggested Gates should be seen through the eyes of the general public. 'What typically happens with public figures is that society glorifies them at first, but figuratively crucifies them once they step out of their defining role.' We believe you, guys - thousands wouldn't. Of course our Bill isn't as mad as a bean ...
CAMPING IT UP AT NORTHAMBER
One of our beloved contacts rang us up last week and said: 'I have got the best story ever for you.' And so with baited breath we imagined all sorts of things until he said: 'Northamber has got gypsies.' What do you mean, we cried? Apparently, the local Romanies decided that they liked the look of a car park opposite Northamber's office. The mod cons have even been moved in - there is a camp fire outside the beautiful looking caravans. It was understood that despite repeated pleas by Northamber, the gypsies are staying. At least for the time being. Cheer up, Northamber - the Epsom Derby will be held in June, then the gypsies will all move on to that.