PCSQUEALER - CHANNEL TALK
MCMUFFIN THE MULE
There are some playful puppies in the channel. Only last week, PC Squealer received a phone call from a chap asking: 'What would you rather have - an Egg McMuffin, a burger with fries or an Ilion share?' When asked why, the little chap quipped: 'Take your pick - they're all worth 99p.' Shame on you, you naughty boy.
IN THE LAP OF THE GODZ
While we're on the subject of people revelling in others' misfortune, Oracle chairman Larry Ellison is so chuffed about the Department of Justice bringing an antitrust lawsuit against Microsoft, he is taking his entire staff to see Godzilla. In this childish wave of generosity, 7,300 Oracle employees will see the action-packed blockbuster about a big hairy ape - not to be mistaken for Larry himself - during special morning viewings.
Apparently, Lozzer pulled the same trick a couple of years ago, when Oracle's stock hit a record high and staff were treated to a trip to see cheesy American schmaltz Independence Day. PC Squealer is sure a visit to the pub with $50,000 behind the bar would have been a wee bit more welcome.
VINTAGE GRAPEVINE
Techy companies must have sod all to spend their marketing funds on, as these ridiculous looking photos prove. Take Fujitsu, for example, which has gone for an Italian Job flavour as the backdrop for its chip effort type thing. And doesn't it look a treat? Gaze with amazement at the artistic capabilities of GrapeVine, which surrounded their product with a load of grapes - geddit? Lord Lichfield eat your heart out.
WE'RE GUNNER GET YOU
Could life possibly get more exciting for Arsenal FC, after winning the FA Cup and the Premiership? Of course it can, because the double-top trumpsters have treated themselves to some new technology from BMC Software. Instead of just buying a few Porsches, bottles of champagne or a nice Rolex to celebrate, Arsenal has splashed out on a management suite from BMC which PC Squealer is sure will really set their pants on fire. Go on lads - push that boat out.
SULTAN OF STRING
PC Squealer would like to send a big thankyou to Tulip's marketing manager Jonothan (yes he does spell it with an 'o', instead of an 'a') Sultan for mailing these ever so lovely pictures to the office. Not only do they remind us of the famous Carly Simon song You're So Vain, but they gave PC Squealer hours of fun trying to figure out why in one photo Jonny is wearing his official-looking jacket, while in the other he has 'got it off for the lasses', so to speak. Maybe he is trying to project different images. For example, with jacket: 'I'm a tough taskmaster and when the chips are down guys, you can count on me,' or, jacketless: 'I'm an approachable kind of guy - let's bond.' Well, Jonothan, you can wear what you want, but it doesn't stop you looking like Virgil out of Thunderbirds.
UP IN ARMS
Even the army is getting technical nowadays. It has launched its very own interactive CD-Rom to raise its profile among the youth of today - and is not, as some might argue, an attempt to sucker more witless buffoons into a life of mindless conformity. The CD contains all sorts of interesting information about the life of a soldier, games about modern tactics and tons of other bits of guff. One of the games requires the user to kill an on-screen enemy but, according to Armed Forces minister John Reid, it does not glamourise violence.
He said the nature of the British Armed Forces is that violence is not used lightly, adding: 'It is used as a means of state policy in a disciplined way.' Two words for you John - Falklands and War.
BALL'S IN YOUR COURT
What has a surf board got to do with tennis? Everything, according to the Lawn Tennis Association (LTA), which has launched a Website to help all you fatty-bum bowlers out there to play tennis for free in your local area. With Queen Lizzie as its patron, the LTA really is a bit of posh, so PC Squealer expects a lot from the site. It's also nice to see Tim Henman getting into the spirit of things. Let's just hope he can sustain his smile for the humiliating prospect of Wimbledon.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
It could be a scene in the menswear section of any catalogue, but it's a lot more serious and thrilling than that. That's right - it's MD of Computacenter, Mike Norris, and the never-ending tale of its flotation.
Computacenter has got cheesier and cheesier since announcing it is to give loads of money earned from the float to charity. In fact, PC Squealer was close to spewing up when we received Computacenter's mission statement, which read: 'To earn customer and employee loyalty by consistently delivering superior value and so confirm Computacenter's position as the leading business partner for distributed IT services.' Let's hope it is the end of all this silliness, or the next publicity stunt may end up with Mike in catalogue pose again, this time in the underwear section wearing a corset by Miss Mary of Sweden, surrounded by brokers in G-strings. Yuk.
LOCKIE AT YOU
Darling of the trade press, Steve Lockie of C2000, is taking his media training a wee bit too far. While engaging in a serious bout of chin-wagging, PC Squealer was perturbed to hear a lot of gurgling on the end of the phone. Thankfully, Steve wasn't trying to find his inner child - he had put his baby daughter on the phone for a natter. PC Squealer is pleased to report Steve's little girl fared well under tough questioning. Talk about starting them young, though.