CHANNEL TALK - PCSQUEALER
Sexual politics
If you thought that hanky-panky high jinks and misdemeanours were the sole preserve of Euro MPs, foreign secretaries and Welsh ministers, then think again. Even chief executives of high-flying techie companies may not be immune to the temptations of the flesh when on their travels, it seems. Internet startup World Online International has filed a lawsuit against ex-chief executive David Schulhof, alleging that he attempted to engage in sexual shenanigans while on a business trip to Europe. Schulhof, who was sacked by World Online last month, maintains his innocence, but the company claims its ex-employee engaged in acts 'that are totally inappropriate and certainly unbecoming of the chairman of a company'. He should make an excellent politician.
Ruff justice
The US Department of Justice is having a stab at it right now; Sun Microsystems and Oracle have been trying to do it for donkeys years; and even a couple of loons from Belgium armed with flour tried it a few years back. But in the end, it took a tiny Scottish software house with a virtual helper called Lemon Dog to put Microsoft back in its kennel.
The software behemoth is expected to drop its own assistant - Rocky the Dog - in future versions of its promotional material, after Lemon Dog's owners Inner Workings claimed Rocky was in breach of the Lemon Dog trademark. We don't expect Microsoft to feel too 'ruff' about it though - it still has plenty of other characters in reserve and anyone would be deemed barking if they tried to sue a paper clip.
The Photon menace
Residents of Guildford were seen fleeing for their lives last week when a fleet of giant security cameras invaded the town's high street. Our photographer risked life and limb to get this exclusive snap of the double-decker bus-sized 'Photon', which patrolled the area outside the local branch of Knickerbox for several hours. The emergency services were on the scene in a flash, but the fire brigade soon realised it was out of its depth and decided to leg it as well. It is, at time of writing, unclear where the Photon came from and a list of demands has yet to be issued, but it is understood that it plans to take over high streets in 'leafy' towns nationwide.
Party for the paranoid
The recent Christmas Intel bash, held in January due to the preponderance of journo booze fests throughout November and December, was generally met with glee, basically because: a) it meant free booze in an authentic Irish 'theme' pub; and b) well, that's it really.
However, suspicions were first aroused when the free nosh started to arrive.
There was an Irish slant to the night so obviously there were potato skins to accompany the huge amounts of Guinness that was being forcibly poured down our piggy throats. However, Intel's sneaky plot became clear with the arrival of huge amounts of oysters and mussels - Intel trying to wipe out the entire poor, virtuous, IT journalist community using the old food poisoning gag, eh? Of course, it denied everything and maybe we're getting a little paranoid in our old age, but there was definitely a glint in the eye of the Intel representative we pinned against a wall during a quiet questioning session.
Killer yo-yos
As if that wasn't enough, there was also an attempt to shatter the hard typing fingers of the news team with a gift at the end of the night - a (very Irish themed?) yo-yo. Not so innocent though. After attempting to 'walk the dog' and 'rock the baby', admittedly after having a couple of shandies, the team found themselves with rather bruised knuckles when the weapon returned to their hands at about Mach two.
Labour of love
Press invite of the week goes to Knowledge Management for its innovative use of colour. The company's PR firm sent out an invite to a seminar entitled 'How the Labour Party used Knowledge Management to win the General Election'.
Apparently, Knowledge Management software was used by Labour to set up its Rapid Rebuttal Unit, whose purpose seems to have been to discredit the Tories - rapidly, that is - while the Tories launched its own Labour sleaze campaign leading up to the last general election.
It's reassuring to know that shoddy national management, sleaze scandals, money swindling and a nursery full of love-children weren't the only reasons for Labour's win. However, the most confusing aspect of the invite was that it was printed on scarlet paper with a Labour red rose in the top corner. Despite our best efforts and much brainstorming, we have not yet been able to work out why an invite concerning the Labour government was printed on red paper. A light pink, maybe?
Wotcha cock
At last, the business tool we've all been waiting for - the dialectizer. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna, roight?
It gives yer the bloody option ter translate - or dialectize - anyfink into redneck, cockney and even bloody Swedish, among uvvers.
It's the bizniss - 'ours of fun for all the office. Take a gander at http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/.
Weird Website of the Week
If any of you have friends who haven't quite managed to stick to their New Year's resolution of cutting down on the booze, then why not compound their feeling of possessing a total lack of self-discipline by guiding them to www.portman-group.org.uk? The Portman Group is an organisation that promotes sensible drinking, in case you didn't know, and is celebrating its 10th anniversary with an interactive Website to promote its message.
There's all the usual stuff you'd expect from such an industry-backed organisation, but the best thing about this site is the interactive 'unit calculator'. It tells you the sensible drinking amounts for a range of tipples, from sherry to super strength lager and is bound to cast a cloud over anyone who believes they have been drinking 'sensibly' since the turn of the year.