Data protection racket

Any reseller involved in distributed networks will doubtless be confused by the European Commission's new directive on data protection.

As of 10 days ago it is now illegal to transmit electronic information about people to other countries unless the recipient nation complies with the EC's stringent rules.

As a service to readers, though, I have been able to interview the directive's leading draftmeister in Strasbourg, Hans Vanker, who has authorised the release of these guidelines - providing they are only circulated in Greece, Italy or Finland - the only nations so far able to meet the directive's deadline of 24 October .

'So Hans, does this mean that if someone sets up a Website in the EC, they can't pass on user profile data to others?'

Hans: 'Ja - unless they are Greek and den they can send it to, say, Finland if they haft our permission.'

'And the same applies in future for, say, a British subsidiary of a US bank wanting to back-up customer data on computers in New York?'

Hans: 'Nein, zee directive means you Englanders and Americans are now verboten to exchange any computer information.'

'But, Hans, how will you enforce this, given that 10,000 new Websites are created every week, and that international banks already have huge databases covering the world. Aren't you shutting the stable doors after the horse has bolted?'

Hans: 'Vot! When the horse has Bertold? You question my judgement and dare mention mein relationship with goot friend Bertold?'

'Hans, please don't misunderstand. I simply mean the bulk of Websites are in America along with the data warehouses of the world's biggest banks.

If they won't cooperate with your directive, it just won't work - will it?'

Hans: 'Dummkopf! You vink I haven't planned for that?

'So is the EC's directive going to excommunicate the US?'

Hans: 'Nein! Ve haff a new draft directive. It vill force all computer manufacturers to recycle old PCs - four kilograms of junkkers for every household.'

'And why are you doing that?'

Hans: 'Ve haff told Compaq and otters it is to prevent toxic vaste. But the veal veason is to make zem hand over data from customers' old hard drives, so ve can can den build zer master database.'

'And ... '

Hans: 'And zen we can create and control our own invormation butter mountain.'

'So what's the point of that?'

Hans: 'Vunce ve control internet and build invormation butter mountain, ve can spread more EC propaganda and conquer der vorld. No more vill people sneer at our directives on straight bananas.

Ve vill haff total mind control ...'