Spit on the floor too, that'll do it

That nautical extravaganza, Comdef, lifts anchor in eight weeks' time and, if you're attending, you'll already know that the name of the P&O liner is Arcadia. What you may not know is that originally Arcadia was a small province of ancient Greece whose inhabitants, at least according to Chambers, 'were primitive in manner and given to music and dancing'.

Now, I'm not suggesting that dealers are given to depraved Bacchanalia by nature or that, at your average Comdef, you will find them after midnight performing the sailor's hornpipe on the bar with bottle of Jack Daniels.

But you have to admit it's a bit of a coincidence. Either way, when I attended last year, the funky chicken, mashed potato and frug were much in evidence on the dance floor. Well, at least they were until the stewards ordered me to clear off and sweep up my potato and poultry mess too.

This year, though, I'm sure things will be different. One of Comdef's great virtues is that it gives small dealers the chance to gauge the value of their assets, especially when it comes to whether now is the right time to go for a flotation. This year's post-prandial chat should be abuzz with such matters.

On one level we have witnessed the likes of mighty Azlan's shares crashing to a fraction of their worth in just the space of a few months, while on the other a relatively small SAP consultancy like Druid - which went for an AIM listing only a year or so ago - has seen its shares double.

It's a volatile market not helped by the Asian crisis and the fact that even the Japanese have lost faith in their economic ministers and think they're a bunch of ah-so's. But, in times of uncertainty, the rule is to brazen it out.

At Comdef in June, if you want to spread confidence in the profitability of your business and thus prime it for a listing on AIM or wherever, here are a few tips whose value I am sure you will find inestimable, yet for which I make no charge:

1. Wealth and corpulence have always gone together, so don't just think fat, be fat - go on a diet of lager, suet pud and gateaux now, so that you can barely fit in your cabin. And even if you can fit into your penguin, you should leave the bird alone.

2. Be incredibly obnoxious to other Comdef guests - they'll assume you must have money.

3. Make sure your personal habits equally leave nothing to be desired.

This comes into its own especially at the disco, where flatulence, pouring drinks over other people's heads and sporting flares with an open neck shirt and medallion should be de rigeur, so much so that even I would be impressed. Ultimately, the ideal tone to strike is that of Michelin Man on steroids, with all the charm of a pig in rut.

Believe me, by the end of the evening your flotation will be assured - assisted with several lead weights and a fanfare of bread rolls from the remaining Arcadian 'primitives'. Bon voyage.

Dave Evans is a freelance IT journalist.