Making life taste better

I want to complain. I don't quite know to whom yet, but complain I want to. And now, right now. Ok, I'm prepared to admit that me complaining about things might not get them changed, but I'm sure that Voltaire (who I believe invented the Volt meter) will be prepared to die for my right to moan.

For a start, my complaint isn't about those dreadful AOL adverts where the patronising family get patronised by the good-looking Connie, who lives in the computer.

"I want to talk to my friend in Brazil," whines teenage daughter, "Brazil?" says the apparently deaf stupid mother, "yes Brazil," says teenage daughter with contempt, and it goes on from there. I'm not entirely sure of the advert's resolution because at this point, I'm usually slipping into a coma, but I suspect it's to do with email and the mother not realising her child wants to send one.

No it isn't that. And it isn't particularly about my car. Those of you who have read me before (what can I say - it's your own fault, it's hardly a surprise, my picture is at the top of the page) will know that I drove a TR7. 'Keeping Rust Alive' just happened to be my motto.

Well, all that has changed. In a fit of madness, some say stupidity, I convinced Rover to let me buy one of its swish new MGFs. It's a limited edition, 75th anniversary model, and - I have been told by the office 21-year-old who knows about these things - it goes from nought to 60 faster than the Porsche Boxter. I'm pretty happy with it.

Well, I was. When I bought it - about 31 days ago - it was the newest of the new. Last week though, I discovered that there was a newer edition out, one with an adjustable steering wheel and loudspeakers behind the driving seats. It's not bloody fair.

But that's not it either. What I am complaining about is the fact that my super-dooper Pentium III with 256Mb of memory, which at one stage was just about the fastest PC on planet earth, is now just another plain old PC.

I got it a mere six months ago. I was one of a handful of people who was able to write a column using a superfast PC.

And now look, Sainsbury's is selling Fujitsu's Pentium III for £450. In fact, I recently paid over the odds for a 3DFX Voodoo 3000, only to discover that the TNT2 relieved itself all over it.

It's not fair. I don't want to have my fantasy technology stop being my fantasy technology 25 minutes after I've paid for it. I'm paying through the nose for it as it is, and I want it to keep its shine for a bit longer, say about 70 years.

I know the relentless march of technology is unstoppable and all that, but guys hey, for goodness sake, give us a break. We don't like being reminded that no sooner has the cheque been cashed, we need to write out another one. Please let us keep our fantasies for a little bit longer.

One thing's for sure, I'm taking on a few Porsches before my car becomes a Skoda.