CHANNEL TALK - PCSQUEALER
Tarzan of the japes
The hosts of this year's Telecoms Managers' Association (TMA) exhibition have really pushed the boat out this time. PC Squealer was recently sent some guff about all the exciting things we could expect, including a picture of Tory MP the Right Honourable Michael Heseltine who, we're told, is the 'genuine star' of the show. But that would depend on how you define a star. Anyway, better still is the entertainment on offer, including pretend Abba and Spice Girls impersonators. If it's anything like the entertainment on offer at Comdef 98, we're in for a real treat.
Twisted sister millennium-style
Millennium bug campaign Prove It 2000's own spin doctor, Caroline Graham, found herself in a right palaver recently while waiting for her baby sister to return from backpacking in Israel. Like every big sister should, our Cazzer was worried about her younger sibling and boyfriend turning up at midnight in Gatwick and getting lost on the way to her spare room in fashionable London. So after arranging for the travelling twosome to call in at midnight and report their safe arrival, then call again from outside the front door so she could let them in, she went to sleep, expecting the phone to wake her. However, their call never came. After picturing plane crashes and end of the world scenarios, Caroline spent all night ringing around the entire population of London. But then she found the mobile phone number her sister was using (doh) and rang it, only to hear a ringing noise coming from the spare room. There she found her sister and boyfriend had been fast asleep since they had been let in at 1am by her helpful flatmate. Which should explain why Caroline was all yawns when meeting PC Squealer later that day. We hope it wasn't just our company.
Yuri-osity killed the cool cat
It's all well and good babbling on about the wonders of advanced technology, but lately it's done nothing to enhance the reputation of KNS managing director Yuri Pasea. The story begins back when Yuri thought it would be a lovely idea to have video conferencing installed in his home. Some of you out there might think this is sad and not a little strange, but of course you would be wrong. Anyway, one morning, young Yuri woke up from a deep and fitful slumber, only to remember that he had arranged to have a video conference with some work associates and - horror of horrors - he was late. Most of us would stick on any old shirt, sit in front of the system and witter on about how many paradigms we had shifted lately, without people realising what smelly layabouts we are. But not the lovely, clean-cut Yuri, who decided to iron a shirt first. But it seems he was a little bit too conscientious about his shirt and forgot to keep an eye on the clock, for when the rest of the video conference tuned in for the intergalactic chat-back, they were treated to the sight Yuri in the all-together behind his ironing board. At 9.30am, over your cornflakes, this really can't be the most settling sight.
The Bill-ion dollar IT men
PC Squealer absolutely loves Vanity Fair magazine for its wit and wisdom, so imagine how disappointing it was to open an issue only to be faced with pictures of Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, Apple CEO Steve Jobs and Oracle CEO Larry Ellison. But it turns out the three IT favourites are included in The Top 50 Leaders of the Information Age, which also lists IBM CEO Louis Gerstner and Intel CEO Andrew Grove, who has, according to the blurb, the ability to scare the bejesuses out of his staff just by staring at them. Kind of like a techy Medusa. PC Squealer also learned that LL Larry Ellison - as in Ladies Love Larry - has finally settled for just one woman - an archaeologist.
The lucky lassie is also a novelist who wrote a romance about a young archaeologist who falls for a rich bloke, tames him and then gets hitched to him. Sounds strangely more like a horror story. Even more horrific is the amount of money Bill Gates has accumulated and what he could do with it if he felt generous. Apparently, Bill's $60 billion could buy four years at university for every 18-year-old in America, or a year's worth of shopping for every home below the poverty line. Or he could pay a housing charity to build a three-bedroom house for every homeless person in the US. But then again, Bill spent a few million on a huge house for just himself, his wife and daughter, so at least he's doing something worthwhile with his dosh.
Died and gone to Havana
Oh, how the vermin have begun to crawl out of their holes since PC Squealer published its illuminating insight into the internet companies that combine daily stock prices with pictures of scantily clad women. Well, it seems there's a whole host of Websites for men named Craig who have goldfish called Pinky and Perky. Our personal favourite is Wall Street Sex, where you can not only witness your company's value deteriorate before your very eyes, but buy 'toys you wouldn't want to be caught with on your desk' - whatever they might be. Best of all is the wonderful selection of cigars, because men look really distinguished with a gigantic brown sphere in their gob.
Not only can you purchase a Monte Cristo Torpedo, but you'll also find the Arturo Fuento Curly Head on offer. Let's hope Bill Clinton has internet access at the White House.
It takes Tomb baby
The main attraction at the recent Electronic Consumer Trade Show (ECTS) was a vicious encounter between gangs of paunched, greying, slavering males and their younger, spottier counterparts. While this is a daily occurrence for most of you channel types, it was a scary experience for lovely young innocent PC Squealer. So we were more than a little bemused to discover the prize for partaking in the scrum of biting and scratching wide-eyed ECTS virgins was not only an Eidos T-shirt, but also a face to rubber-clad breast encounter with Nell McAndrew (aka Lara Croft) or Lisa Boyle (American Playboy model and 'actress' posing as the Daikatana girl). Which would suit all you cyber pervs who download pictures of a games character because you think you're in love. But it wasn't only Eidos that decided a lack of clothing on a shivering Wonderbra-ed (or silicon-enhanced) dance student was the way to spread the word: another regular feature of the show was quiffed, suited and booted adolescent PR types, relying on tenuous sex links to sell games. So what was the overriding impression of the show? Loads of games? Loads of technology? Real ground-breaking stuff or loads of scantily clad totty? A definite victory of the medium over the message.