The customer is always right
Many companies say their staff are their most important asset. But at Bray Enterprises this is literally true, since all our kit is leased and our offices are little more than a squat. So, having exhausted the possibilities of our customer service programme - largely because we don't have any customers - we've started treating our staff like customers instead.
According to the management gurus, this means giving them more choice and more access to electronic communications. So, taking our cue from top US corporations, we are allowing staff to choose their own remuneration and benefits package, variable each year as their circumstances change.
Our sales team, for example, can choose whether to carry a top-of-the-range Toshiba in the pannier of their push bike, or a ring binder in the glove box of their Ford Granada. Administrators can choose between sitting at their desk for 52 weeks of the year, or going on holiday for two weeks and standing out in the corridor for the other 50. And first-time mothers can instantaneously swap their figure, social life and personal identity for a buggy and a place in the company creche.
The system is based on our intranet and protected by passwords, so each person's package is known only to them, the web master, and his cronies. This means less time is wasted gossiping around the coffee machine because if you want the lowdown on anyone's private life, it's much quicker to email Colin, our network supervisor.
Pay slips are delivered by email, which enables commission-based staff to know instantly how far overdrawn they will be this month. And our automated expense claim system can automatically reject claims according to any criteria our accountants wish, perhaps because they weren't properly authorised, or because they were submitted on a Tuesday.
Our HR system lets staff update their own records and we are delighted to announce that everyone is now a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer with two PhDs. Job vacancies are also advertised on the intranet, which is an ideal way of checking whether or not you've been sacked.
Our internal helpdesk staff now have their own logo and baseball caps and, when we can afford it, we're going to teach them how to actually fix PCs. And our engineering services department has installed a state-of-the-art call centre, although he still takes a fortnight to come and change a light bulb.
The customer service ethos doesn't end when staff go home. We aim to provide a round-the-clock experience for them, so we regularly phone them in the middle of the night to ask them what they think about us. And to establish a one-to-one relationship, we make sure they are deluged with masses of junk mail asking impertinent personal questions.
The only drawback we've found is that, now they regard themselves as customers, our staff have no loyalty and leave at the drop of a hat for better deals elsewhere.