Channel talk
There are all sorts of naughty and dangerous things on the internet (just ask Big Herman), but when the simple process of buying a drop of sperm over the information super highway requires a government warning, that's when you have to ask yourself what the world is coming to. The Human Fertility and Embryology Authority has reported an illicit market in sperm, with various women being duped into buying themselves a big dodgy daddy for a baby. It seems it is beginning to get more dangerous than a visit to the Oval Office - just ask Monica Lewinsky about that blue dress. Apparently, this mail-order sperm can contain all sorts of dicky things and there's no guarantee who the father is. But the upside is that there are lots of sites offering a postal service and an option for customers to choose from a variety of ethnic types - which is lovely until you consider the potential papas are American. There are many pitfalls for the careless, but the worst must be upsetting your postman.
Continuing on the theme of virtual dates (see microchip of love Bill Gates) an interesting story came to PC Squealer's attention about the dangers of computer rumpy-pumpy. In Germany, virginal Hans Wessler had been logging onto a virtual 'how's your father' Website which allows surfers to communicate with some other messed up and frustrated - sorry, open minded - saucy lovers for hot chat and a little more besides. Our Hans - or Big Herman as he christened himself - soon made the acquaintance of a lovely lady by the name of Aunty Jugs. After a six-month torrid sex fest, our two cyberpervs arranged to meet. Imagine poor Big Herman's surprise when Aunty Jugs turned out to be none other than his mother! According to Big Herman, some of his mammy's fantasies were 'disgusting' and he had originally logged onto the Website because he had always had difficulties with girls. Talk about keeping it in the family.
Sun has decided to launch yet another mind-blowing creative advertising campaign entitled Stop the Technology Madness. A statement we applaud at PC Squealer. However, Squealer wonders if Sun's premier wholesaler Tplc feels the same way. Long-term readers will remember the company as Technology Plc and we're sure that Sun is in no way implying that Tplc is run by a bunch of loons. But just imagine if vendors decided to run advertising based on their distributors. The Advertising Standards Associations' phones would be ringing off the hook.
One hazard of working in the channel is that a lot of time is spent driving around making agreements, socialising with Vars and getting companies to like you. Sometimes this can become a little bit much as Amanda Cannon, channel marketing manager and Stephen Harris, mail-order sales manager, at Dr Soloman's, found out when they were stuck in traffic on the M4 for about six hours after they had met with Action Computer Supplies. Our intrepid explorers finally managed to get on to the A4 but as they were still in a jam, travelling at the speed of a snail, they decided to make a phone call to those cuddly little tigers at CHS Electronics who promptly arranged for its IBM chappy Jo Jones to run out to the car with nice cool cans of coke for the weary little travellers. All this service at no extra charge! PC Squealer is sure that all vendor and distributor relationships are like this.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is like a little box of surprises. Not only did he once have a soft spot for the ladies, but it turns out he's also a bit of a crooner. It seems Bill likes to sing lullabies to his baby daughter Jennifer, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is a favourite. Of course, Jennifer is still too young to answer back or have a tantrum, but the thought of the king of geeks leaning over your cot warbling songs at you is enough to give anyone a complex in later life.