CHANNEL TALK - PC SQUEALER

WHO ATE ALL THE PIES?

Whenever a channel type resigns from his or her job, they usually have about five or six stock reasons why they've decided to get out. These blatantly transparent excuses include: 'There are no bad feelings, but I just wanted to try something new'. Or if you are a woman and because marketing people deal in stereotypes, the excuse 'she wants to spent more time her family' is always a favourite.

However, the king of all porky pies is 'it was a lifestyle decision'.

Up until this point, PC Squealer had never been able to figure out what that meant. But fear not because Compaq's answer to Billy Bunter, John Rando, has explained all. The US head of services says he resigned from every distributor's favourite vendor because he's about 20lb overweight and wants to improve his golf swing. While some people might argue that this is a) complete rubbish or b) Rando's obviously going through 'the change' and will be having a hair weave next, PC Squealer thinks it's a very brave thing to do. After all, with all that weight, he'd never be able to run away from all the distributor lynch mobs baying for Compaq after its traitorous decision to sell direct.

OF HAMSTERS AND MEN

Some sort of technology effort is being introduced in the US which will allow internet users to say whether they love or hate different Websites.

Eng-Siong Tan, chief executive of the company that has designed this wonder of modern technology, says: 'We aimed to revive the original spirit of the internet, namely that of open expression and sharing of ideas.' Tan also sleeps with calming crystals and love beads under his pillow. Anyway, PC Squealer can think of no better way to test people's tolerance than by logging onto our most favourite Website ever: hamsterdance.com. Not only can the happy viewer actually watch hamsters dance, she or he can also sing along to the catchiest tune this side of the Smurfs. And if it stops you chaps out there looking at sites like ladiesbums.com, then we'll know we're doing our job properly.

GROUND CONTROL TO EIDOS

Turn down those detachable PC speakers - David Bowie has been going all interactive again and composed some music for Eidos' Omikron: The Nomad Soul game. Not only that, but the man who brought you such classics as The Laughing Gnome is starring as a character in the game with his lovely surgically enhanced wife, Iman. Apparently, the only condition that our David laid down for his star appearance was that he wanted to look 24.

Not only should Eidos be ashamed of itself for giving an old man false hope, but how dare it subject the human race to David's music.

WHO'S GONNA RIDE HIS WILD HORSES?

It's been far too long since the Peter Pan of distribution has been mentioned in this column so PC Squealer would like to rectify that.

Apparently, the golden-haired lovely has recently sold his beautiful stud farm where he used to ride his hot fillies. Some people might think it might have something to do with his departure from Ilion. But PC Squealer says how dare you even think such a thing. Wayne is much bigger than that and is also extremely rich anyway. So, even think about gloating and remember, you'll have to answer to PC Squealer.

JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT

Knickers. Everyone loves them, especially the delegates on Comdef. KPOS Computer Systems also loves a nice pair of frillies more than anyone since Knickerbox, the home of washing machine-proof panties, is letting the reseller install all sorts of goodies in its shops. While KPOS is very happy about the deal, it's the installations chappies who must really chuffed because they'll be able to rub their cables as women try on tastefully designed bras. But just for all our male readers out there who are working late and are, quite frankly, either sad or without a regular girlfriend, here's a picture of some pants.