Top bunk

I was dismayed to learn that Monday of last week was apparently National Sickie Day, with up to 350,000 work-shy mitherers expected to bunk off.

The usual quasi-scientific gubbins supposedly dictates that record numbers of us will skive off on the first Monday in February due to a combination of poor weather, post-festive debt and the fact that spring just feels, like, really, really far away. Boo-hoo.

Figures from the Employment Law Advisory Service reveal that half of all bosses are sceptical about employees' excuses. Despite this, a quarter of firms tolerate workers informing them of their 'illness' via text or email.

However my staff get in touch, I tell them not to worry, as I have a miracle cure for all maladies. It's called a P45.