A date with density
It's a new year, but the world is still full of the same old social media idiots, gaffe-prone vendors and hapless executives
There was no way I wasn't going to love a story with the headline "Hammer-wielding jazz trombonist impersonates hot girl to snare iPhone thief". And I wasn't disappointed by the tale of Nadav Nirenberg, who collared a crook with the perfect storm of technology, chicanery, bribery and blunt instruments.
The Brooklynite left his mobile in a taxi on New Year's Eve. The next day his email account revealed its new owner had been using the musician's online dating profile to send messages to women. Lifting an image from a web search and creating a profile as not-unattractive 24-year-old Jennifer Gonzalez, the phoneless jazzman invited the impostor round for a cosy evening.
When the thief turned up chez Nirenberg with a bottle of wine, he was tapped on the shoulder from behind. He turned around to see the resourceful horn blower armed with a $20 bribe and a hammer, in case the light-fingered singleton was surprisingly principled when it came to accepting backhanders.
In the event, the tea leaf handed over the phone without a word and slunk off. But at least he got the Merlot all to himself.
I can't Belize it's not nutter
Like ex-footballers opening pubs, ex-journalists getting into PR and ex-bright-but-aimless-mid-to-late-20s-drifters going into teaching, some career paths are so well trodden as to be practically inevitable. Like the road from being an antivirus expert to being a fugitive superspy running a crack team of beautiful double agents - how many times have we seen that old chestnut?
The latest addition to this folder is the (ahem) colourful character of John McAfee. He may be back in the US, but his strange tale is still making headlines.
McAfee has now claimed that he planted 75 laptops installed with untrackable monitoring software with various high-level officials in Belize. To implement his spy gear, he reportedly recruited a gorgeous cabal of 23 women and six men to infiltrate the upper political echelons. Still with me? No? Good.
The software millionaire claims to have discovered sexual misconduct, state-ordered murder and plots to smuggle terrorists into the US. "Eight of the women [I hired] were so accomplished that they ended up living with me," wrote McAfee.
Come on, John, let's get real. That "you and seven other beautiful women should move in with me as I'm cultivating a crack team of secret agents to expose Belizean corruption" schtick is the oldest line in the book.
Howd'ya like them Apples?
A mean-spirited old east London rival of mine once told me I was so inconsequential I "couldn't even get arrested in this town". (At time of going to press, he's technically right, but I did once receive a caution for breaching the peace at a Captain Sensible gig.)
But it seems the truly unpopular can't even be the victim of a crime, let alone the perpetrator. Workers at Microsoft's office in Mountain View, California were surely a little upset recently when they came back after Crimbo to discover the building had been burgled. They may have been even more distressed to see that the only things that had been stolen were five iPads that resided in the facility, with all Microsoft tech left unnicked and, seemingly, unloved.
It is understood police want to talk to a diverse, brightly clothed and nauseatingly attractive gang of dancing hipsters in connection with the crime.
A right twit
In shocking security news, I made a rare visit to Twitter recently (follow @davethedealer for infrequent hilarity and hard-hitting industry insight) and discovered I had received a few weeks' worth of spam messages.
A quick investigation revealed they came from a well-known channel face who, in their profile, styles themselves as a top-notch security consultant and all-around threat expert. Security's a bit like charity, I suppose: it begins at home. And it's really annoying when you get a message from some self-righteous clown asking you to hand over your hard-earned.