A right twit

Dave lifts the lid on out-of-touch VARs, gullible phone users, flighty vendors and itchy-footed business owners

As the Barking and Dagenham area’s foremost new technology evangelist, I take pains to ensure I’m down wiv da kidz when it comes to the new techie trends coming from the streets.

So I was very disheartened (and just a little bit smug) to find myself sharing a taxi to a recent vendor event with two of my reseller exec brethren who were decidedly less savvy than me when it comes to yoof tech.

My suspicions were first aroused when one VAR bigwig had to explain to his pal how Twitter worked and what a hashtag was. The channel technophobe further demonstrated his all-round out-of-touchness when it transpired that he is seemingly the third man in the United Kingdom (after David Cameron and my old man) to labour under the misapprehension that “LOL” stands for “lots of love”.

“I only realised when I got an email from a client using it,” he clarified. Unbelievable! Anyone under the age of 50 knows it stands for little old lady #grandad.

Water load of rubbish

Considering that many iPhone enthusiasts are seemingly more than happy to spend hours – if not days – queuing in the cold and rain just to get their hands on the new Apple wowbox a few minutes before anyone else, it should perhaps not be much of a surprise to find some of them are poor, suggestible fools.

Following the recent release of the new iOS 7 operating system, a hoax advert did the rounds of the internet explaining that downloading the software activated a “smart switch” which effectively makes devices waterproof by shutting down when it detects water. It added that this was designed “prevent any damage to your iPhone’s delicate circuitry”.

Having presumably put Apple’s aquatic abilities to the test, a number of disgruntled users took to Twitter to vent their spleen (presumably from their unhip, crummy old desktop device). “Whoever said iOS 7 was waterproof: **** you,” said one.

Another expanded (very slightly) on this riff, adding: “OK, whoever said iOS 7 is waterproof: GO **** YOURSELF.”

Perhaps they did, my friend. But only after they’d ****ed up your expensive new toy good and proper.

Speechless

I was shocked and appalled to note this week that Oracle main man Larry Ellison gave attendees at the software firm’s annual OpenWorld event the cold shoulder when he went to watch a boat race instead of giving a planned keynote.

Lazza’s Oracle Team USA ultimately completed a rousing comeback in the America’s Cup – more rousing, it seems, than the oration of hapless Oracle product exec Thomas Kurian, who was asked to fill his boss’ shoes at short notice. Delegates reportedly skulked away in their droves when it became apparent that Ellison would rather be watching his corporately endorsed yachtists do their thing than speaking to them.

I for one am shocked to see the world’s fifth richest man – who recently spent a chunk of his $41bn fortune on both a Hawaiian island and the local airline to go with it – has lost his affinity with the common man. One thing’s for sure: Ellison will get short shrift next time he shows his boat race in the East End.

One careful owner

Word reached me this week that not one, but two UK resellers are dusting off their glad rags and putting on a bit of slap as they try to make themselves irresistible in the hope of attracting potential suitors.

The chatter on the channel grapevine is that, like Kevin Keegan at the end of his eventful first spell in charge of Newcastle, bosses of the respective businesses feel they’ve taken their outfit as far as they can and are letting it be known that they are open to offers from well-heeled admirers.

I’d just like to make it clear that Dodgi is not one of this duo, and that I am certainly not interested in listening to seven-figure offers for my majority stake in this growing, profitable company. Nor do I want to cash in my chips, buy a cottage in Broadstairs and leave this highly investable business in the more-than-capable hands of a new owner.