Pardon my French

Dave tries to get to the nub of translation troubles, sexual shortcomings and party problems. With added Girl Guides

It can be hard for nascent resellers trying to make their way in this crowded market to come up with a name that differentiates them from the competition and attracts the eye of end users.
So I was intrigued to hear that one company gave itself a moniker that it thought was a bit of snappy wordplay, alluding to both the nature of its business and its all-around excellence.
But the name, that has since been retired following the company's sale, was remarkably similar to a French synonym for...err...what happens at the end of a...err...mummy and daddy cuddle (at least for daddy). Ahem.
Their website certainly caught the eye of many potential customers, but sadly most of the titillation-seeking Frenchians didn't hang around to find out how they might benefit from virtualising their desktop estate.

Making tweet love
Speaking of nocturnal activities, I was shocked and appalled this week to read that technology is reportedly having a grave impact on the UK's collective sex life.
A major once-a-decade study into Britons' bedroom habits finds that men made whoopee an average of 4.9 times a month between 2010 and 2012, with the female mean coming in even lower (as it were) at 4.8. This compares with figures of 6.2 and 6.3 respectively during the millennial rumpy pumpy boom years of 1999 to 2001.
The decline is partly attributed to the easy allure of internet smut, as well as pervasive worry about jobs and money. Study author Dr Cath Mercer from University College London added that the ubiquity of whizzy new computing kit is another contributory factor.
"We also think modern technologies are behind the trend too," she mused. "People have tablets and smartphones and they are taking them into the bedroom, using Twitter and Facebook, answering emails."
Oh, come on - do people really do that? I don't know of anyone who has allowed mobile technology to wreak havoc with their sex life. And I've certainly never heard of a devoted husband - and skilled lover - being devastated to realise his wife was live tweeting Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway during their weekly bunk-up. You know, for example...

Party politics
Regent Street is aglow, John Lewis is pumping viewers full of vomitous saccharine and Easy Eric's Electricals Emporium on Dagenham Heathway is being looted thrice monthly - Christmas must be coming soon.
Another staple of the festive season - the annual email from the Forum of Private Business (FPB) warning of the perils of the office party - arrived in my inbox this week. Among the usual array of well-meaning but rather killjoyish advice are the revelations that you should "make it clear that the usual disciplinary policies apply" (they don't - not really), as well as pointing out "drug use in the workplace may constitute a breach of health and safety regulations" (WOW! Who knew?!). It's also noted that "too much alcohol could spark arguments and fights".
But it is far more likely to "lead to awesome fun times, general sociability, and totally snogging that hot guy Nick from accounts payable", the FPB singularly fails to note.

Handy guide
I was heartened to read this week that Girlguiding UK has given its Computing badge a facelift to bring it up to speed with the increasingly social world of IT.
When the badge was launched 23 years ago, the tasks Guides needed to do to earn it included "turning on a computer" and "using a word processor". The checklist has now been updated to include such achievements as "writing a set of instructions for a moveable robot", conducting a survey and "presenting the results in a spreadsheet or graph".
Guides will also learn about staying safe in the occasionally perilous world of social media, as well as coming to a greater understanding of their "digital footprints".
Having witnessed the indiscreet Facebook horrors of most of my salespeople, I'd like to issue an open invitation to any newly qualified Girl Guides who fancy doing a bit of training and consultancy work.