Atlantic crossing

Buckle up as Dagenham's finest reports on Anglophile executives, tubby-targeted texts, underpantless sales types, and unheard meisterwerks

Call me horribly prejudiced, but I always go to lunch get-togethers with American execs expecting to be met with a disconcertingly white-toothed specimen spouting buzzwords and baloney (as I believe our transatlantic cousins say), while brazenly misusing common words such as "chips" and "nonplussed". And, usually, they don't even get drunk. At least not before the starter arrives.
So I was a wee bit impressed when, five minutes into a recent meeting with a US-born vendor exec, their phone rang, revealing the EastEnders theme to be their ringtone. They went on to detail how they had really thrown themself into UK life since arriving here a few years ago. Among their new-found loves were football and Manchester United, with Bobby Charlton cited as their favourite British person.
Of course I set them straight: I told them to read up on Matt Lockwood, Tommy Johnston, and Laurie Cunningham, and get themself down to watch the Orient, sharpish. My respect will be cemented if they manage to make it half-time without running screaming for the first plane to California.

Fat chance
I was intrigued and faintly nauseous to read this week that overweight people in Stoke-on-Trent could soon be sent government-backed texts to help inspire them to drop a few pounds.
A soon-to-launch scheme in the Staffordshire burgh will allow 500 people to sign up to be sent motivational SMS messages including "Eat fruit and veg"; "Use the stairs more"; and "Keep a check on snacks and drinks".
The 10-week programme will cost £10,000, which Adrian Knapper, City Council cabinet member for health, claimed equates to the cost of a single intervention operation. But opposition leader Abi Brown, while applauding the sentiment, wailed that "the money could just be spent more fruitfully". Presumably having just bought 10 satsumas for a quid off Hanley market.
I think Her Indoors must have gotten wind of this idea, as she's taken to sending me texts to help me shed a little timber.
Just this morning she wrote: "You disgust me."
I'm a very lucky man.

Pants survey
A recent study from Brainshark (no, I don't know either) found that 59 per cent of the 400 sales pros they surveyed love giving customer presentations on their tablet, only marginally behind laptops on 66 per cent. And the attachment to the strokeable form factor runs deep, according to the highly unimpeachable data from the "mobile-ready video presentation" specialist (ah, the penny drops!).
Some 61 per cent of respondents would rather forego matching socks than visit a customer without their cherished tab (curiously two per cent higher than the amount that claimed they take the device to client meetings). Meanwhile 47 per cent would rather go commando (as I believe the young folk say) than arrive at a rendezvous sans tablet. Some 32 per cent would go deodorant-less, and 27 per cent wouldn't mind not brushing their teeth.
Interesting findings. Though I can't help but think that it'd be worth researching how many sales goons actually wear pants and deodorant and brush their teeth in the first place.

Lost tracks
Have you ever browsed Spotify and thought: ‘I wonder what happens to all the songs that have never been played?'
No, me neither. But the same cannot be said of tech entrepreneur trio Lane Jordan, J Hausmann, and Nate Gagnon, who recently launched Forgotify. The new service, which is available to anyone logged into Spotify, focuses solely on the four million tracks - about 20 per cent of the 20-million total - that have not been played a single time on the streaming app.
Users are initially presented with a suggested song, which they can then listen to and share, or alternatively click ‘next' to be offered a different tune. Naturally, as soon as a track has been listened to once, it is removed from the Forgotify archives.
Before you all rush to file this one under ‘Sort Of Cute, But The Novelty's Bound To Wear Off Very, Very Quickly Indeed', why not give it a go? If you're lucky you might stumble upon the 95-minute magnum opus ‘A Real-Time Musical Appreciation of Oxford v Leyton Orient, May 2006', by DDG and the E10 Rockabilly Trio.