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Potatoes enter the social media age, VHS tapes return to haunt us, online dating gets eerie, and 3D-printed toys loom. Dave despairs

I was nonplussed and violently ill to learn this week that Birds Eye is launching "Mashtags" - sorry, "Mas#tags" - the self-styled "potato shapes for the social media generation".
Expanding ever so slightly on the classic waffle structure that has long dominated the frozen potato shape world, the food company is to sell tatties moulded into a quintet of forms more applicable to today's hip young Facebooking Twitteristas: a hashtag; a smiley face; an @ symbol; a heart; and an asterisk. Right you are.
It may have been described by market analysts I just made up as "a new nadir for the human race", but Birds Eye senior brand manager Pete Johnson said the product is "an exciting development" for the fishy-fingered firm.
The "Mas#tag" (shudder) packaging adds that they are "#NEW", "#Tasty", and "Pot@to shapes". Meanwhile, various branding experts who may or may not exist have labelled them "#nauseating", "f*****g b******s", and "tot@l cr@p ZOMG :-o".

Horror film
I'm forever telling customers that holding on to their outdated technology can have grave financial, operational, and legal consequences. But even I was thoroughly flabbergasted to hear of the case of 27-year-old Kayla Finley, who was recently arrested and jailed over a nine-year overdue VHS rental.
Local TV station Fox Carolina reports that she rented the widely panned Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda vehicle Monster-in-Law in 2005 but did not receive letters imploring her to return the tape as she had moved house. A warrant for her arrest has been outstanding since then, and it was finally served when she recently went to her local police station in order to deal with the clearly far less serious issue of pressing harassment and stalking charges.
Having been arrested and held overnight, Finley is due to return to court in due course, but has vowed to fight what she characterises as a "bogus charge" of ‘failure to return a rented video cassette'.
However, my sources indicate she may have to take a plea on a concurrent charge of ‘knowingly renting a movie described by one critic as "a puerile and edgeless pile of goo"'.

App-solute nonsense
Rubbishly named dating app LOVOO recently surveyed 2,000 completely non-fictitious men in an attempt to draw up a composite picture of "the perfect girlfriend".
The wildly offensive, highly prescriptive, and thoroughly creepy list of characteristics reveals that the UK's dream woman is 5' 5" and 9st 2lbs with a 34C chest, brown hair, and blue eyes, and she drives a Mini Cooper and speaks with an Irish accent in between enjoying Game of Thrones, a little bit of rock music and supporting Manchester United. (The list goes on - and on, and on - but I'll spare you the rest.)
"It seems British men have very specific tastes for a girl to live up to," said LOVOO founder Benjamin Bak, massively inaccurately. "We think avoiding a woman because she supports an opposing football team or enjoys a different genre of films to you might be a bit too picky."
I dunno, Benny - "picky" is not an adjective that springs to mind when I conjure up an image of what I'd guess is a typical LOVOO user. (Although I wouldn't be too surprised if they have a habit of "avoiding women".) Also, when it comes to defining the qualities of the perfect girlfriend, I'd suggest they start with "existent".

Print playtime
The burgeoning world of 3D printing was given another shot in the arm this week with news that toymaker Hasbro has agreed a partnership with market heavyweight 3D Systems.
The two firms issued an announcement this month outlining their intention to "co-develop and commercialise innovative play printers and platforms later this year". The new entente is the latest in a series of eye-catching tie-ups for 3D Systems, including a deal with Hershey to examine the possibilities of 3D-printed chocolate and the appointment of Black Eyed Peas mainman will.i.am as its "chief creative officer".
This latest arrangement sounds like a winner to me: nothing says "fun for kids" like complex CAD software algorithms, hot molten plastic, and a wait of several hours to get your hands on your new toy.