Feeling festive? Well, stop it!

Tips from the British Dietetic Association on how to have a truly miserable Christmas

Just as I was beginning to feel fairly festive I receive my annual missive from the British Dietetic Association warning me not to overindulge this Christmas.

Cheers guys - you know how to bring someone down!

It reminded me that women can have 2,000 calories a day and men 2,500, but on average people consume around 6,000 calories on Christmas Day alone, and on average will pile on five pounds by New Year's Day.

Handy tips in the press release included: don't hover by the buffet table (you fat, greedy git), only have one box of chocolates open at a time and hide unopened boxes away to avoid temptation, don't share festive treats with your workmates (you great big pig), and avoid the January chocolate amnesty.

Instead start a 'fruit club' at work in the New Year, and see how quickly you become the office pariah!

Also when shopping for Christmas, don't give in and treat yourself to anything tasty - stick to your list - or preferably just eat the cardboard packaging.

For the 'big day' itself, don't eat the skin of the turkey (ugh!!), make sure a third of your plate is veggies, and ensure potatoes are 'dry roasted'. Use vegetable water for gravy rather than meat juice. Mmmmmm, tasty!

Also don't forget the calories in alcohol, you might be better off just drinking water all day to be honest. Bang goes the Christmas Baileys then.

And my favourite tip of all - take the lid off a mince pie before scoffing it to save a few calories.

If you listened to all this, you will be guaranteed the most miserable time, and could also succeed in bringing down everybody around you by reminding them of all the things they shouldn't be eating and drinking.

Alternatively you could act like the adult you actually are, and, like most people, if you have over-indulged one day, you won't do the same the next and it will balance itself out.

However if you do overindulge for more than one day and are not arrested by the glutton police on the spot, you could always cut back the day after.

I nearly replied and told them where to stick their advice, but I felt the strange need to go out, buy a mince pie and stuff it in whole.