LG Electronics certainly knows how to hobnob with the stars, albeit ones from tier two or tier three. As sponsors of the Television and Radio Industry Club or TRIC(!) Awards, PC Squealer was at hand to witness Michael Palin receive two awards, the second presented by Baroness Thatcher.
Not that this was of any relevance to the channel, but a truly classic moment was born when Python Palin, with The Iron Lady next to him, launched into a story of one of his travels - reminiscing that he was once offered some alcohol in a remote Amazonian village, which, under normal circumstances, would be fermented using sugar. However, in times of scarcity, they would make do with old ladies' saliva - at which point he turned to Ma Thatcher and said: 'No offence, you understand.' The dogs' bollix.
Glad to see that RBR is still obsessed with genitalia. Regular readers of PC Squealer will remember that oh-so-effective chat-up line a company representative tried on one of our reporters - that it would be better if she stayed in a hotel as it 'will give me a better chance to get into your knickers'. Needless to say, she made her excuses and left. So, RBR has made another vain attempt to get itself into the press by posing as The Full Monty crowd. How novel. But tell us, what is this obsession with having to expose yourself to ridicule all the time?
Is it time to get a PR agency and with it some proper press coverage that doesn't involve sex?
Jeremy Davies, analyst at Context, was recently contacted by PC Squealer for his incisive comments on a breaking story. Unfortunately, our man in the know was out of the office, and so a message was left on his voicemail.
He later contacted us on his mobile. It quickly transpired, however, that he wasn't lurking in a wine bar or schmoozing with clients, but wandering around Central America (he was a bit sketchy on his exact whereabouts) on something that was described as 'kind of work ... and pleasure'. It seems as though we had supplied him with the work, but he was unwilling to divulge what exactly constituted pleasure.
Publish and be hammed
Whatever next? Compaq has come up with just the thing for spreading the never-ending BTO/CTO message to the lower echelons of its empire. It has published a cutsie photo-story in issue one of the in-house rag at its Erskine manufacturing plant in Scotland.
The mag, called Scotlines, presents Alan's Lunchtime Lesson, featuring Alan Peat, director of Compaq's optimised distribution programme (ODM), chomping away on a burger and talking (with his mouth full) to one of his staff at the same time. Mid-chomp, he likened the preparation of a customised burger to manufacturing a Compaq PC. While PC Squealer appreciates that you had to see the sketch, it is certainly worrying when a PC vendor compares its wares to junk food.
Saturday fright fever
Those jokers in Milton Keynes, Ingram Micro, really know how to push the boat out and enjoy themselves. Take, for instance what the generous distributor is doing at US event Retail Vision. It's sponsoring a disco party - an interesting choice of words since it implies all discos are parties.
But Ingram's party is going to be better than anyone else's because it is a Stayin' Alive Disco Party. We can just imagine Nigel Judd strutting his funky stuff in his skin-tight white flares, throwing his jacket across the dance floor - John Travolta eat your heart out.
Or maybe this is when Alexander 'Sandy' Scott, UK managing director at Ingram, could make his debut. Ingram really knows how to spend its marketing money on sponsorship deals effectively.
Wake up and smell the coffee
Now we know that staff can be very demanding sometimes - you know, asking to leave on time and expecting a lunch hour - but spare a thought for the staff at Interquad.
No doubt you will have read in last week's PC Dealer that Interquad called a staff meeting on 28 February to inform them of structural changes.
What the story didn't say was that the staff had to travel down from Birmingham to London to get to the meeting for 8.00 am. The staff naturally thought a free breakfast would be thrown in - you know, bacon, eggs and toast - I mean, who wants to come out on a Saturday and talk about IT. And free breakfast there was - a croissant and coffee. Still, at least the coffee was hot.
Eh-up, it's Hawaii Five-O
Love is in the air, everywhere PC Squealer looks around - even back in the arse end of South Yorkshire. Northern bloke John Beachill has snared himself an exotic beauty named Marji Robinson - courtesy of email - who is so in love with our little Yorkshire pudding that she is leaving her Hawaiian island to move to his home town of Wath-upon-Dearne.
Our long-distance lovers are set to marry after emailing each other since September, although Marji could be in for a bit of a surprise as she has yet to visit John's pad. But love conquers all, and in the words of the woman herself : 'We are very much in love and just want to be together - where we live does not matter too much.' Try saying that, Marji, when you're sitting on top of a huge pile of coal, supping ale, with a whippet hanging off your leg.
Pros and icons
Apple's preoccupation with cultural icons has reached ridiculous heights as the star-crossed bum-licker has issued a booklet to say how much it loves 'these people who have shaped the 20th century'. The leaflet, produced in conjunction with The Guardian, is entitled - wait for it - '20 Icons', in which the fruity one even proposes a toast to all these inspirational tigers, which goes something like this: 'Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers.' If only Apple could find a 20th century poet for a bit of guidance. Anyway, the usual suspects like Freud, Bob Marley and Jesse Owens are included in the roundup and Apple has even made room for three women. What a company. But imagine PC Squealer's shock at the decision to include Margaret Thatcher! Apparently, our Maggie 'was a star with big hair and without her we wouldn't have Blair' - which Squealer is sure The Guardian was chuffed to see. But at least it's an interesting marketing campaign, which in no way leads PC Squealer to believe that Apple is trying to draw attention away from what is really going on in its own business.
We could be heroes
What do these words remind you of - Kapow! Bam! Thwam! Biff! Splat!?
No, it's not the aftermath of a distributor's Christmas party, it's actually a nice little summary of Internet Security Systems' (ISS') latest 'hello, please notice our company' marketing campaign type thing. The idea centres around a cartoon featuring ISS' own superhero, who saves the day. The only problem is that instead of giving its main guy a dynamic name like Batman or Superman, ISS has called its hero RealSecure, which oddly enough is the name of its new product - fancy that. According to this pile of pulp fiction, RealSecure protects your network from dastardly villains like a nasty cyberpunk bloke and saucy minx Electra Snoophard, who would like to get her hands on your 'illegal lengths'. Imagine, if other techie companies used their products in this way, then maybe slogans like 'keep your hands off my token ring' could one day become a reality.
My goodness, Paddy Pantsdown must be hard up these days. Just look at him opening Centerprise International's new manufacturing plant. Those sweet people at the company even took it upon themselves to take Paddy round the plant to look at some bits of PCs - which is nice. Of course, Squealer isn't saying our Paddy doesn't know his arse from his email but it's nice to see him taking an interest.
Money makes the world go round
CHS Electronics cares. No, really, it does. And to prove it, the gargantuan distributor is launching a non-profitable charity effort for children from low-income families around the world. So the UK CHS people are going hell for leather to raise lots of dosh-a-rooney by going back to school and wearing their old school uniforms, all in the good name of charity, of course. Like they'll all fit into old clothes from way back when. Anyway, there's nothing like a bit of loving and giving to make Squealer's heart glow. So next time CHS spends a ridiculous amount on another acquisition, you'll know it's got its priorities right.
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