Here's a riddle for all you channel types who should be working, but are more interested in drinking coffee and reading the paper. Who looks as young as a newborn babe, has the agility of a small stoat and the faint smell of a stable on a summer's day? That's right, it's that Peter Pan of distribution, Wayne Channon, who as chairman of Ilion, is always having fun with his trusty steeds.
Perky little Wayne is so proud of his nags that he has a screensaver of his favourite horse Kasper. In fact, our spritely tinker has submitted pics of another of his eight stallions named Lorenzo the Great, who as Wayne remarked has a 'beautiful rear'. What a compliment.
Anyway, you may scoff, but at least our Wayne has a nice hobby instead of getting wasted every night and talking about how many boxes he's shifted - honest.
Upsetting the Apple cart
The latest executive to start throwing the toys out of his pram is Ex Apple chap Gil Amelio who has decided to spill the beans by writing a 'kiss and tell' book about his days at everyone's favourite fruity manufacturer.
Our Gil has decided he ain't gonna take anymore crapola, and so in his revenge-ridden scroll entitled, On the Firing Line, he cogitates about a conspiracy between Apple boss Steve Jobs and Oracle big nob Larry Ellison, even though they are best friends anyway.
The frog-like Gil also accused Jobs of being an 'erratic' and 'manic' manager. Which is nice. But the real icing on the cake is that Gil says his 'fatal' mistake was letting boardroom 'mate' Edgar Woolard persuade him to predict when Apple would become profitable.
Gil love, you've got a mind of your own and if Edgar told you to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge you wouldn't do it, would you?
Time for your booster
French distributor Metrologie thinks it has found the answer to some of its problems by selling off a huge chunk of its German subsidiary to reseller Datura.
PC Squealer wonders if Metrologie would have gone through with the deal if it knew what Datura really means?
Apparently, Datura is the name of an Indian drug which causes 'loss of co-ordination, unpleasant dryness in the mouth, at least 24 hours of persistent blurred vision, wipe-out the following day and no increase in experiential intensity'.
Although these might sound like the after-effects of a day spent in the boardroom of Metrologie, this is quite a serious drug. Still, Datura might prove to be a shot in the arm for the struggling distributor.
Them there channel waters are getting choppy at the moment with news that Azlan's Geoff Brough received a strange, yet poignant present from his good friend Steve Lockie.
PC Squealer is sure Steve's little gift of a Wallace and Gromit fridge magnet was meant with the best intentions. That was until Steve told our Geoff that he resembled the nice but dim Wallace himself. Now, Squealer isn't suggesting that Geoff didn't see the humour in it, but we're sure that yelling profanities about one of your best mates is a sign of love and respect.
One in the googly
Anyone for cricket? Computacenter's chief executive Mike Norris is certainly up for it, as his humungous company has just signed a deal to sponsor Surrey County Cricket Club.
This little agreement is going to mean a cool six figure sum to the sportsters and, even better, both the reseller and the cricketers live virtually next door to each other, so it's like a bunch of old boys playing out with each other. No change there then.
Anyway, it's wonderful to see milky white Mike enjoying himself with the Surrey boys. See the rosy glow of excitement as the lovely Mike realises every boy's dream of running around a cricket pitch and polishing up his ball. Heartwarming isn't it?
Sorry Bud, you missed the boat
PC Squealer was most upset to recently receive a burning tirade from a small reseller who shouted down the phone: 'I haven't read a paper since what you did to Diana, you bastards.' First, Squealer doubts anyone could avoid reading a newspaper for eight months. And second, if you look at the front of this paper we are called PC Dealer not PC Diana. Just thought we'd clear that up.
It could make you go blind
Squealer was reminded recently that Olivetti's help desk used to be known as OlsyCare. Now that the struggling PC vendor has been bought by Wang, what does one suppose the help desk will be called now? Think about it.
Copping an attitude
These top vendors don't half let all this wining and dining business go to their heads. When testing the wine on behalf of PC Squealer's tender palette, Toshiba's Alex Pidgley wanted nothing but the best.
After expertly swishing the fruity little Chardonnay like there was no tomorrow, the bouquet obviously wasn't up to scratch and the bottle was sent back.
But there were no disappointed sighs from the wine connoisseur himself.
'Ooh, I've always wanted to do that,' he chuckled after the waiter's hasty, if bemused, retreat. Little things please little minds.
Go on, it'll put hairs on your chest
If David Clark, Computer 2000 marketing director, asks you to taste his cup of tea, say no. Or you might taste something very filthy Macnasty.
This was the fate that fell to Neil Martin, technical director at C2000.
Clarkie kindly asked him to taste his cup of tea because he felt the milk was off. It was, but unfortunately by that time, the intrepid Martin had taken a rather big gulp and was left with what can only be described as a bitter taste in his mouth.
Maybe the lesson here is not to have a cup of Cafe 2000 and certainly not with David Clark. Stick to beer instead.
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