Love is in the air, everywhere PC Squealer looks around - even back in the arse end of South Yorkshire. Northern bloke John Beachill has snared himself an exotic beauty named Marji Robinson - courtesy of email - who is so in love with our little Yorkshire pudding that she is leaving her Hawaiian island to move to his home town of Wath-upon-Dearne.
Our long-distance lovers are set to marry after emailing each other since September, although Marji could be in for a bit of a surprise as she has yet to visit John's pad. But love conquers all, and in the words of the woman herself : 'We are very much in love and just want to be together - where we live does not matter too much.' Try saying that, Marji, when you're sitting on top of a huge pile of coal, supping ale, with a whippet hanging off your leg.
Apple's preoccupation with cultural icons has reached ridiculous heights as the star-crossed bum-licker has issued a booklet to say how much it loves 'these people who have shaped the 20th century'. The leaflet, produced in conjunction with The Guardian, is entitled - wait for it - '20 Icons', in which the fruity one even proposes a toast to all these inspirational tigers, which goes something like this: 'Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers.' If only Apple could find a 20th century poet for a bit of guidance. Anyway, the usual suspects like Freud, Bob Marley and Jesse Owens are included in the roundup and Apple has even made room for three women. What a company. But imagine PC Squealer's shock at the decision to include Margaret Thatcher! Apparently, our Maggie 'was a star with big hair and without her we wouldn't have Blair' - which Squealer is sure The Guardian was chuffed to see. But at least it's an interesting marketing campaign, which in no way leads PC Squealer to believe that Apple is trying to draw attention away from what is really going on in its own business.
What do these words remind you of - Kapow! Bam! Thwam! Biff! Splat!?
No, it's not the aftermath of a distributor's Christmas party, it's actually a nice little summary of Internet Security Systems' (ISS') latest 'hello, please notice our company' marketing campaign type thing. The idea centres around a cartoon featuring ISS' own superhero, who saves the day. The only problem is that instead of giving its main guy a dynamic name like Batman or Superman, ISS has called its hero RealSecure, which oddly enough is the name of its new product - fancy that. According to this pile of pulp fiction, RealSecure protects your network from dastardly villains like a nasty cyberpunk bloke and saucy minx Electra Snoophard, who would like to get her hands on your 'illegal lengths'. Imagine, if other techie companies used their products in this way, then maybe slogans like 'keep your hands off my token ring' could one day become a reality.
My goodness, Paddy Pantsdown must be hard up these days. Just look at him opening Centerprise International's new manufacturing plant. Those sweet people at the company even took it upon themselves to take Paddy round the plant to look at some bits of PCs - which is nice. Of course, Squealer isn't saying our Paddy doesn't know his arse from his email but it's nice to see him taking an interest.
CHS Electronics cares. No, really, it does. And to prove it, the gargantuan distributor is launching a non-profitable charity effort for children from low-income families around the world. So the UK CHS people are going hell for leather to raise lots of dosh-a-rooney by going back to school and wearing their old school uniforms, all in the good name of charity, of course. Like they'll all fit into old clothes from way back when. Anyway, there's nothing like a bit of loving and giving to make Squealer's heart glow. So next time CHS spends a ridiculous amount on another acquisition, you'll know it's got its priorities right.
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