'Good morning, Mr Ford. I'm from the Department of Justice and I'm investigating a complaint about your monopolistic practices. It seems you are fitting your cars exclusively with Ford sun-roofs, Ford automatic windows and Ford anti-lock braking systems. I must ask you to desist.'
Mr Ford: But these features improve our cars. They make them safer, more comfortable and more pleasant to drive, and our customers want them. Why should we stop providing them?
DoJ: Supposing a customer wants Toyota automatic windows or Volkswagen ABS? By building in only Ford products, you're hindering consumer choice and putting rivals at an unfair disadvantage.
Mr Ford: But our customers don't care who made the sun-roof or ABS. They just want something reliable which does the job.
DoJ: Cars never used to have these fancy features. Drivers used to wind the windows down themselves.
Mr Ford: And crash if they braked too hard, I remember.
DoJ: But why have these features been built into the vehicle? Fancy extras used to be added on afterwards.
Mr Ford: Because it's cheaper and simpler to build them in. Our customers don't want the hassle of bolting on extra bits. They're not all mechanics, you know. They just want to turn the key and go.
DoJ: There used to be hundreds of car manufacturers. Now there are only a handful of big conglomerates. People only buy your cars because there is a limited choice.
Mr Ford: No, we're successful because we're good at what we do. You don't get this big unless customers like your products and keep buying them.
DoJ: But car making used to be a friendly cottage industry before the war. It's so impersonal now.
Mr Ford: Yes, and have you noticed that cars have improved a bit in the last 60 years? Little things like performance, fuel economy, safety features and comfort? Do you still have to hand-crank windscreen wipers, grease the transmission every 900 miles or start the engine by turning a ruddy great handle? No.
DoJ: Actually, I've never been in a car. I travel everywhere by sedan chair.
Mr Ford: So you don't know much about cars?
DoJ: I've read about them in the newspaper. There's that motorway thing, you know, the super highway, where people get killed every time it's foggy.
Mr Ford: Actually, motorways are among our safest roads and the traffic is vital to our economy.
DoJ: So you're saying I can't close down your company or break it up for being anti-competitive?
Mr Ford: That's right. Why don't you try Microsoft? It's trying to do the same as us, improving its products by including extra features that customers want. I hear it's including a browser next, so people can access the internet more easily.
DoJ: The internet? Is that like a motorway network?
Paul Bray is a freelance IT journalist.
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View photos of last night's awards ceremony in London
View photos of all the winners from the 2018 Channel Awards
After a glittering awards evening in Battersea celebrating 25 years of the Awards, we are pleased to share the list of winners and judges' commended winners