Good Moaning to you too

newmedia newmedia
19 March 1999

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Mornin'. Be that the Perfect Match matin' agency?

Yes, that's right. Our mission is to find the perfect match between our solutions providers.

Oh arr. Zolutions. That were why Oi called.

Are you an MCSP - a Microhard Certified Solutions Provider?

'Ow dare you! Oi be 'appily married. No, Oi called 'ee because Oi wuz told there be no vettin'. Oi don't loike vets, zee, 'cause they be too expensive loike.

That's alright. We don't vet any of our basic level solutions providers.

They just have to register at our Website and send us a cheque.

Oi wuz told there'd be no bills involved.

Oh no, I can assure you Bill is much too busy to get involved in vetting our partners. In order to become a full partner, you have to be nominated by one of our field representatives.

Oh arr, that'ud be no problem. Oi got plenty o' vields. An' the zeed rep comes every year to zell us a new varoiety o' taturs.

You'll get more than potatoes from us, I assure you Mr Giles. Copies of all our software, beta versions of products, CD-Roms, training, tech support. Of course, you don't actually have to use any of it, it's just there if you want it.

Oh, Oi shall use it alroight. Zo 'ow can Oi become an RSPCA, or whatever 'ee zaid?

It all depends on how many of your staff have passed our Microhard Certified Professional qualifications - that's the Microhard Enterprise Extranet Network Integrator (Meeni), Microhard Advanced Developer (Mad), Microhard Inverted Systems Supervisor (Miss), Electrical Engineering Node Investigator (Eeni), Microhard Operator (Mo), Microhard Incomprehensible Node Installer (Mini), Microhard Online Advanced Network Integrated Node Guru (Moaning), or Microhard Online Resolution Operations Navigator (Moron). You need four to be an MCSP, but you can have any combination.

Loike Miss Mad Moaning Moron?

Yes, or Eeni Meeni Mini Mo.

Zounds a bit of a lottery to me!

Oh no, it's very scientific. It all comes out of Microhard's Back Orifice.

There are some other fairly stringent criteria, like you have to have an internet connection and a fax machine, and tell us if you change your address and ... well, that's it, really. Oh, and you have to pay us #990.

Whaaat? I thought you zaid there were no vettin'. That zounds mighty loike a vet's bill to me.

No, the fee helps cover the costs of running the scheme. Just think of all that training and support and free software.

But Oi doesn't want no zoftware. Oi ain't got no compooter! Oi wants moi cows zerviced by zome noice strong bull!

Bull? I'm sorry but this is Microhard. Might I suggest you try www.bull.com?

I'm told they're totally services-based these days.

Paul Bray is a freelance IT journalist.