LINDA LESS LARDY
Ever wondered why you've got such a fat gut? Are people constantly asking you how it feels to be the first pregnant man in world? Still got that beer belly reduction belt in your bottom drawer? Well, help is at hand - a company with more imagination than business sense has launched a fantastic product called The Lean Machine.
This wonder of modern science means you can still sit at your desk stuffing your chops with pie, peas and red cabbage, while small battery charged things vibrate on your love handles, making you feel like you're actually doing some exercise. And if that wasn't enough, lord luv a duck, cor blimey guvnor, what a bell ringer, page 3 top totty Linda Lusardi, pictured here, is happy to model what all you chaps could look like with a little bit of electronic attention. Chubby channelers here we come.
NEWBRIDGE IN TROUBLED WATERS
Aren't IT companies funny? PC Squealer was literally wetting itself at Newbridge Network's chucklesome 'pistache' on the World Cup. According to some results, those 'crazee' guys can tell you that if your network crashes during the magical months of football you could be - wait for it - in real trouble. Apparently, out of a load of people questioned, tons said they'd be on holiday, while some others said a few employees would be off sick. But one of the best things about the whole thing is some networks can broadcast the matches over live video feeds. Those Newbridge guys really are clever so PC Squealer was wondering if they could figure this sentence: have you much as of a of sense as humour road a accident?
DON'T BE A DUMMY, MUMMY
PC Squealer has noticed a strange pattern evolving in the channel and hopes one of our learned readers might help us figure out what is happening.
In recent weeks, a number of high-profile women have moved jobs, which is fair enough. But isn't it strange that every time PC Squealer rings up to find out the reasons behind the move, the woman in question either wants 'more time to look after the children' or is 'thinking of starting a family'. Thank goodness stereotypes were invented for unimaginative people.
Have you got an incredibly dull boss who runs 'self empowerment' meetings using enough buzzwords to send your head spinning? The latest craze to escape boring drones is Buzzword Bingo, which lists the boss' favourite buzzwords for you the victim, to mark off on a bingo sheet when the boss uses them. When a line of five words matched up - down or diagonally - hey presto, you're the winner. Or better still, you can make your own cards using either the words below with a few office favourites thrown in such as paradigm, one-stop shop or that old favourite - value add.
Winning should be announced to colleagues during the meeting with a discreet arranged cough signal.
JUST ANOTHER MANIC, FUN DAY
Hold onto your pants. Apparently, people who work online are really bloody weird. In what might seem like a forgone conclusion to most of us, psychiatrist Nathan Shapira has been examining people who live their lives through a virtual vacuum and concluded that internet dorks have had an average of five previous psychiatric disorders. Quelle surprise. These disorders can range between manic depression right over to the other side of the scale showing people with impulse control. Suddenly the world seems like such a safe place to live.
GRANT US THIS DAY OUR DAILY NAAN
What a horrid company Memory Plus is. In its monthly newsletter, the company has taken it upon itself to expose the eating habits of its employees.
One in particular, Grant Jeffrey, has been shown up for eating curry for his lunch. Not only that, but naughty Grant is supposed to be on a diet.
Worse still, Grant even encourages other members of staff to join him in his glutton-ridden ways. PC Squealer thinks Grant should try investing in The Lean Machine to try to avoid getting a fat back.
Talking about the wonderful world of the channel, PC Squealer was lucky enough to witness the artistic talents of ACC's stand at the Networks show in Birmingham. Gone was the traditional line-up of boring old PCs, to be replaced with a few women in grass skirts and skimpy bikini tops. PC Squealer was highly amused with various men trying to justify this blatant display of flesh with one ACC chap saying: 'It was only a small stand so we had to make the best of it.' Another PR chap got all defensive and quipped: 'Well we can all be PC can't we.' Yes, that's right dear - we can.
THE LATE LATEX SHOW
While we're on the subject of Networks, top prize for most original marketing ploy must surely go to Ciscom, which was giving away free condoms. Once the packet was cracked open a message reading 'Thankyou for coming' was inscribed on your very own love glove.
PC Squealer is sure Ciscom raised more than a smile for all those drunken bods who struck it lucky at the Networks party.
BILL WE MEET AGAIN
Steve Sires could be your normal run-of-the-mill kind of guy. He's a 40-year-old American civil engineer who loves his 1977 Impala station wagon.
But like Damien from the film The Omen, he has a dark secret which has haunted him for a number of years - the poor lamb is the spitting image of none other than US' richest man Bill Gates.
To most this would seem like an affliction, but not Steve. He has found himself an agent and charges between $800 and $2,000 for personal appearances.
Let's hope he doesn't do children's birthday parties - it could damage them for life.
BAD KARMA PALMER
Digital's former chief executive Bob Palmer really is living up to his Christian name as he must be simply pooping in his pants after receiving a spate of rather nasty death threats.
Because Compaq has decided it is going to axe 15,000 jobs, people have gone all nasty and turned on Bob causing him to invest in a bullet-proof Mercedes, bodyguards and loads of home security.
You can run, but you can't hide.
Tech giant hit with second huge fine in two years
UK-based security distributor takes first steps into mainland Europe
Vendor talks up partner relationship at Inspire global conference
Firm claims that 7.2 million jobs will be created by AI over the next two decades