The 1980s was a magical time, as most of you who used to sport - and probably still do - a mullet hairstyle would agree. But the best thing by far about the decade that time forgot was the interesting variations on digital watches that were simply packed full of LCD. Most people have forgotten about the healing properties of LCD, but not Sharp, which has dedicated an entire magazine the lovely liquidy stuff. To celebrate the 25th anniversary of LCD, the magazine features interesting case studies under headings such as 'LCD has been my life - it all began with a chance encounter' or 'LCD will be the paper of the 21st century'. And pigs will suddenly start flying. But the best thing about Sharp's effort is the little recipe included in the back of the magazine for a tasty dish of 'Brinjal with lamb'. Next month's recipe for all those Sharp enthusiasts will be 'Leg chewed off with boredom and cabbage'.
Bored to death
Talk to anyone about computers and PC Squealer can guarantee that within two minutes their eyes will roll back while they begin to make small snoring noises. So this tale should be a lesson to you all. A few weeks ago, a very sad incident happened when a millionaire took his own life. Apparently, he was too bored to live after retiring 10 years ago to spend his riches.
This tragic story becomes slightly worrying, though, when you consider he was a computer consultant. Yikes.
When the drugs might not work
Cocaine would probably play havoc with hardware, but it's the millennium bug that could cause trouble for crime bosses, according to one year 2000 expert. The Y2000 know-all turned up in the US to speak on the effect the bug was likely to have on business, only to find the room packed with government types in trench coats and fedora hats rather than the mild-mannered accountants he expected.
Department of Defence, FBI and CIA bods were popping up all over the place asking about the likely impact of the year 2000 on Central and South American drug cartels. Apparently, everybody was called Brown, Smith or Jones and when asked what they did for a living, the men in black replied 'Washington'. They could have revealed all, of course, but then they'd have had to kill us.
Mine's bigger than yours
It's all about size at the Computer Software and Services Association.
In the Who's Who section of its Website, each staff member from president Geoff Slyfield to office junior John Topp is profiled simply at the click of a button. And at no expense spared - most of the photos are the size of a small postage stamp. However, there is some variation in size as Monsieur Slyfield has an awfully large one and Topp's is absolutely tiny.
PC Squealer has been told it's a stature thing, but the person who thought up the idea could be risking getting his or her bottom kicked, which in this case would mean IT manager Anne Farrell. But isn't it interesting that Farrell's has the biggest one of all? Where's Freud when you need him?
Aren't men funny little things? When they're not messing about with each other and playing futile drinking games, they're usually comparing the size of their cars. But Dr Mark Sawicki, strategic marketing and technical director at Computeraid, has taken this one step further by proudly entering his beloved automobile in the London to Brighton classic car race. And he's got a lot to be proud of - Mark had his 1957 Mercedes 190SL shipped over from South America two years ago and has been in love with it ever since.
Is this a case of more money than sense? Who knows. Anyway, all should have been well as Mark and his right-hand man John Bennett, managing director of ICL, set off for the race, but sadly the old banger - sorry we mean sleek machine - went kaput. Our wacky racers soon discovered the problem: a mouse had been trying to chew through the electrical wires and had been there so long it had turned into a skeleton. Then, to add insult to injury, a nearby photographer demanded Mark take his top off - the car's roof that is - only for it to start raining and give our heroes a soaking.
But that's what you get for showing off.
Comdef and dumb
As PC Squealer gears up for our annual holiday aboard Comdef, we have come up with 10 top tips to survive the booze cruise:
1. When you inevitably lose your dinner jacket, ensure you pick up another that fits - and it's best to make sure it's the same colour.
2. If you're going to be sick, stand next to a plant so that you can discreetly chunder in the pot - the leaves make a handy alternative to tissues to wipe the splash-back off your face.
3. If you get too close to other shipmates, it's always worth getting their business cards so you at least remember their name in the morning.
4. Don't drink too much - although that does defeat the purpose of the trip.
5. Don't be too rude to your cabin boy when he brings you a cup of tea in the morning - or milk and two sugars might not be the only added ingredients.
6. At least try to feign interest at the conferences when they tell you the reseller channel is doomed to failure.
7. Beware of pushy female journalists, they're only after one thing - a story, of course.
8. Beware of sleazy salesmen, they're only after two things - big hubs and sympathy.
9. Wake up in time to leave by 9am on Wednesday - or else you'll find yourself doing it all again.
10. Failing that, stay up all night drinking.
Beware: outbreak of honesty
Do you ever feel the white rush of technology? No, neither do we. But PC Squealer has found a rather interesting new product that helps predict the outbreak of epidemics. Unfortunately, it's far too long and complicated to explain how this software works, but next time a salestype feels a touch of 'lyingthroughyourteethitus' coming on, it could help them warn the rest of the country and make the world a better place.
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