Love thy neighbour
Ever wondered who billionaire Bill Gates goes to when he needs to borrow a cup of sugar? Well, wonder no more because a Website entitled Driveways of the Rich and Famous will answer all sorts of pressing questions about the more important aspects of wealthy people's lives. Bill's lucky next door neighbour is Audrey, who thinks Bill is the best thing since sliced bread because he sends round his various servants to cut her grass. However, the elderly Audrey hasn't a clue about the internet or what a computer is, so it's no surprise that she likes her neighbour so much. Best of all though is Bill's gatekeeper Jack, who stands guard over his boss's multimillion-dollar house from his $5 shed. What a guy Bill Gates is, caring and generous.
PC Squealer is sure the turnstiles were spinning at Info'Products' latest stunt to raise company morale. While hosting the recent IT in Business summit in Scotland, some Info'Products team players thought it would be a great idea to bring in Craig Brown, the charismatic manager of the Scotland football team, for a little pep talk. But this footie genius wasn't there to teach the likes of Howard Dickel how to polish up their tackling techniques or win over the crowd. Instead, he highlighted the similarities between the soccer pitch and business. PC Squealer hopes Info'Products took a leaf out of Craig's book and learned how to play for a bit of extra time.
You're my hero
Anyone who has ever wondered what the secret of Steve Bennett's success at Software Warehouse is can now find out, thanks to his sensational new book Serve for Success, which is all about Steve's favourite subject - himself. According to this tremendous testament, when the sale quotas drop our Steve takes to calling in the emergency services. Apparently, the manager of the retailer's Norwich branch was rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack which may have been the result of his desire to be the most finely honed sales machine in the world or perhaps he was scared stiff of missing his targets. PC Squealer thinks it could be the latter. Anyway, as a born and bred salesman, a little old heart attack wasn't going to stop our hero shifting those units. So to make up for time off work, the brave chap sold goods to an ambulance man and to hospital staff while he was recovering, and also provided a quote to the hospital for a 60 PC network. Despite all this, Mr Bennett does have his kinder, caring moments. He has agreed to give his staff extra time off - to read his new book. You're all heart, Steve.
Calling all you boy racers
A few extra points of commission and a carriage clock just ain't going to cut the mustard with salespeople any more - not now that Digi International is offering a BMW Z3 for the world's best purchase pusher. Digi is running this bribe - sorry we mean this extra-special competition - in conjunction with its new best friend Ilion. PC Squealer is told the #20,000 car resembles some other vehicle that appeared in the James Bond film Goldeneye. So, all you salesmen who think you're a superhero with an unfeasibly large pistol have the chance of being a real-live boy racer. Not that men are that shallow, of course. Anyway, Ilion's lovely sales director Lynnette Summerfield, waxing lyrical about what a super-dooper incentive this is, added that it is 'an excellent way to start the year'. However, it will be interesting to see what incentives Ilion's other vendors will come up with now - what about a nice Porsche?
It's amazing the depths to which people will sink in order to amuse themselves.
Take David Lees, CEO of Flare Group, for example, who looks absolutely delighted with his slab of concrete. Not only can you walk on the stuff, but by twiddling about with some metal thingies, David has shown you can actually conduct electricity through it. PC Squealer isn't sure what the point is, but if you were thinking of getting revenge on the person who keeps nicking your parking space, an electrified slab of concrete could offer all sorts of possibilities.
Charity begins after flotation
Anyone who accuses the channel of being full of a load of money-grabbing, self-obsessed lushes should be ashamed of themself since two of the biggest champions of the industry are giving away a ton of money to charity. Computacenter founders Phillip Hulme and Peter Ogden, or Smashie and Nicey as they are now known since they like 'chirity' so much, are going to donate a whopping #50 million to the worthy cause of their choice. All this results from the recent #1.25 billion flotation of the company, which may have been a nightmare but went so well that Computacentre finance director Tony Conophy was able to find time to run the London Marathon and witness the birth of his new son, James Phillip. Phew!
Hold your tongue
Working on a helpdesk can be most frustrating, having to deal with all those doozys who don't know one side of a computer from the other. But next time you get really hacked off, just hold your horses or you may end up like a chap from the WordPerfect helpline who was a little bit too direct with one of his callers. The caller rang up because the words on his computer had mysteriously disappeared. Much toing and froing ensued, with the helpful WordPerfect chap suggesting all sorts of things, including a check on whether the computer was actually plugged in. It turned out the caller was experiencing a power cut, to which the helpline guy told the caller to pack up all his computer stuff and take it back to where he bought it. When asked why, the helpline guy said: 'Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer.' Nice. The employee was fired but is now suing the WordPerfect organisation for termination without cause.
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