These are my first scribblings since that scoundrel Gordon Brown did his level best to upstage Detective Inspector Jack Frost by calling an election right in the middle of the beloved copper's final TV appearance.
I never saw it coming and, like much of the rest of country, was shocked to the core by the turn of events. Detective Sergeant George Toolan - you were a credit to the force, may you rest in peace.
As for the election - who knows? For many years, my deeply ingrained socialist ideals have sat uneasily alongside my desire to make lots and lots of money and keep it all for myself.
Like Richard Taylor or Martin Bell, I've often thought of running as an independent, single-issue candidate. I'm sure the people of Dagenham share my righteous indignation at the steep import duty placed on Belarusian anti-spam software.
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