Imagine my horror to learn this week that some British workers use company printers to print non-work stuff (gasp!), go on Facebook during work hours (surely not?!), and put work files on USB sticks or send them to their webmail accounts (NOOOOOOOOO!!!).
According to data sent to me by security vendor Safetica, a scarcely believable 32 per cent of UK employees have printed personal papers at the office, with the same amount going on social media during worktime. Almost a quarter have had the brass neck to scout other jobs online, while 12 per cent have taken work files home via portable storage, printouts or attachments emailed to personal accounts.
The marketing bumpf claims the amount of workers taking files home is "frighteningly high". (Because any smart burglar these days knows the real money is in quarterly sales projections and company outing cost spreadsheets, not jewellery and high-end stereo equipment).
"For monitoring, reporting and preventing employees from partaking in unauthorised activities, a comprehensive software solution should be considered," writes the Safetica bod who sent me the story. "I know of one that does all that, but I really shouldn't be making a sales pitch here," he adds.
What are you talking about?! That's exactly what you should be doing! For the love of God, man - why won't you tell us the name of this incredible solution? Looks like you've just talked yourself out of a sale, my friend.
Speaking of high-level "research", I was unimaginably underwhelmed this week to receive news that a worryingly high number of babies are allowed to play with their parents' tablets and smartphones.
The long-awaited data on early-years device usage behaviour comes from the imaginatively named Babies.co.uk. Much like a mewling infant regurgitating milk over my new houndstooth jacket (thanks, Dave Jr), the website has spewed out some marketing bumpf claiming that more than half of parents allow their sprog to fiddle with their mobile or tablet.
One in seven Mas and Pas permit the fruit of their loins to spend upwards of four hours a day on their gadget, adds the website, thoroughly inaccurately.
Babies managing director James Macfarlane said: "The real problem with babies playing with smart devices is what it leads to in the future. At what age will we teach them to simply cope with being bored in everyday situations without producing our smartphone for them?"
I don't know, Jimmy. Reacting to every single five-second lull in stimulation by mindlessly pawing at your iPhone? That sounds like ideal preparation for adult life to me.
Caught in the web
I'm going for the hat-trick this week, dear reader, with yet more revelations from the world of deeply pointless research.
According to stats from the good folk at Infosec, the average cockney would be "far more stressed out by not having internet access than [they would be] if their heating was turned off, their tellies didn't work or they didn't have water". (NB - this is not true.)
Bods from the security shindig surveyed 1,000 London commuters (I'm guessing from the results they may have focused on those catching the last train on Friday, known to market researchers as the "Highly Refreshed Demographic") and found that 38 per cent said they would be most stressed by losing internet access at home, followed by 32 per cent for lack of water, 18 per cent for a loss of heating, eight per cent for no TV and just four per cent for a washing machine fail.
Infosec figures also reveal that a mind-boggling 27 per cent of my fellow Londinians do not think they could survive without the interwebs, up from a marginally less preposterous 17 per cent last year.
Event director Claire Sellick said: "Considering that so much information now passes over the internet... now more than ever it's important to consider how you access it."
This is where we differ, Claire. If people genuinely believe they need Facebook more than they need water, now more than ever is the time to despair at what reality-detached idiot holes you have to share a city with.
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