University sorts will try almost anything to claim we're better off with less money. This month Vlerick Business School (pah, not a patch on Romford Business School) claimed companies that pay their chief exec modestly perform better.
Apparently UK CEOs are paid 94 times more than the average worker in their firm. Well, I often tell a staff member I'm worth 100 of them, so if anything I'm underpaid with a 94-fold pay packet.
Look, I consider myself an aspirational figure for my Dodgi underlings. I see their wide-eyed expressions as I leave work early in my customised mustard-coloured Ford Mondeo (it has two cassette players) - Phil Collins' Su-Su-Sussudiooo blaring out full whack - and I know they'll work harder seeing what the fruits of their efforts could finally produce. "You cheeky runt", they endearingly shout as I style it out of the car park.
3D double vision
Dodgi recently had an ill-fated venture into 3D printers. We had an enquiry from a local loan shark, saying they were looking to buy a 3D printer to produce small coffins to threaten debtors. I said all our printers were 3D, including the latest inkjet range from our 2003 catalogue.
Turns out they meant a printer which prints out in 3D rather than just the printer itself being 3D. So I found a 3D printer vendor - one of Laos' top 27 print vendors no less - and got the latest model from 2014 sent over.
We installed the printer, including plugging it in, and left the site happy at another job well done. The following day he brings the printer back, saying it wasn't good enough. I can't think of a single job the Kheuongphim hak 9000 isn't up to, but that's end users for you.
Anyway, the following week I'm in the loan shark's office paying off my dog track losses and what do I see on his desk… the Kheuongphim hak 9000! Turns out he'd used the 3D printer to print out another printer then return the original! Have any other resellers had similar problems? Asking for a friend.
Speaking of pointless new technology, CBET 2018 has been and gone for another year. For those in the dark, it's a Vegas jolly-up where tech with no resell margin is shown to heavily asthmatic people in Star Wars T-shirts.
Where to start? OK, there was the FoldiMate - a machine (is it supposed to be my mate?), which can fold 20 to 40 clothes items in less than five minutes. It is also the size of a photocopier, can't do underwear and socks, and it won't be available until 2019. I didn't even mention it to Her Indoors - she'd be gutted if her Wednesday folding afternoon were taken away from her. Probably.
Then there was Somnox's sleep robot - a kidney-shaped cushion that breathes. No, really. You cuddle it in bed and the rhythm of your breathing will eventually match the robot to help you fall asleep. I still suffer from night terrors since what happened at the 1998 Cisco partner summit (I never did get the grass stains out of my trousers), so snuggling up to a sentient internal organ is hardly going to ease me to sleep.
Finally was the Hip'Air. Airbags for your hips. Presumably designed to assist elderly people during falls, this is something I can actually get on board with. No longer will leaving The Swan and Dog be quite so perilous. I can stagger to the curry house safe in the knowledge any drunken fall will result in minimum hip damage.
Elon Musk was recently voted the technology figurehead most admired by top channel bosses on CRN's A-list. Let's drop the fact I didn't make the list again this year. I'll assume there were some email problems at CRN towers on that one.
I wouldn't have voted for Musk. Alan Shugart, the inventor of the floppy disk, will always be my IT hero. As for Musk, I find it hard to see why people admire the model-dating billionaire so much. Cars you plug into the wall? Driverless cars you can't get insured? A mission to space?! I mean, Elon, we haven't fixed the traffic issues on Alibon Street in Dagenham and you're trying to fire people into space?
However, it seems like my channel chums might have been well ahead of me on Mr Musk. His latest product has really impressed me. Via his new venture The Boring Company, you can now pre-order a flamethrower.
Billed as the "World's safest flamethrower", which is a bit like being Yorkshire's most charming man, it will set you back $500 (£353).
Now this is something I can really get behind when those vendor reps turn up to sell me the latest in that "emerging" tosh. Try flogging me the latest Internet of Fings thing while I'm setting fire to your hair, buddy. I've pre-ordered Musk's flamethrower and if things go badly, I still have those 12 fire-damaged fire extinguishers to calm matters down again.
- Dave Diamond-Geezer, director of Digital Online Deals and Global Integration (Dodgi) of Dagenham Ltd
CRN pulls out the key information from Microsoft's Q4, which took the vendor above $100bn for the year
Investment will include an AI research centre in London
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Chris Bunch of Microsoft partner Cloudreach gives his take on this year's Inspire conference