What was your first job, and how did you get into IT?
I was a delivery boy for Federal Express when I was 18. I loved it – delivering to the deserted City of London at 7am. And carrying heavy bags over long distances equalled buns of steel. I’ve always had an interest in IT, since I got an Acorn in 1984. When I was doing my PhD, I started teaching IT part time. I guess I’m a geek at heart.
Planes, trains or automobiles?
I can’t drive, buses smell of urine, trains are unreliable, and planes are ecologically unsound and generally filled with screaming kids. I don’t get out much.
What is your favourite joke or the one you heard most recently?
I don’t like trampolines. They make me jump.
In my dreams…
… servers install without problems, programs run as they should, licensing isn’t more complicated than that maze from The Shining, and clients don’t ask for fundamental things after you’ve built their environment.
What never fails to make you laugh?
People queuing outside Apple stores to buy a £500 mobile with a slightly better screen than the last one they bought, a few months prior. Do they vacuum-seal it on an altar when they get home? I know all my phones are scratched to hell within 24 hours. Why can’t they just go the day after?
Where would you like to go or what would you like to do on your next holiday?
I was reading about this place in the Bahamas called Big Major Cay, or Pig Island, where you can go swimming with pigs. Like, you know, “pig” pigs, with snouts and all. I must confess I had never thought of it before – now it’s an obsession. (Now you’ve got us started! – Ed)
If someone shrank you to the size of a pencil and put you in a blender, how would you get out?
I think you should call the police instead of asking me a question about it. You know this person? I wasn’t even aware this sort of thing went on.
Is it wrong to tell little white lies?
They’re OK in moderation: unfortunate clothing choices, vile ceramic furniture additions, and elderly gentlemen in new sports cars with hip-hop blaring are all instances where little white lies are acceptable.
Is there a future in the long term for IT distribution?
Vendors can rarely cope with the massive numbers of enquiries, billing cycles, provisioning and support. But I do think, however, that distributors should move more into packaging, bundling and services.
Can politicians ever be trusted on IT?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No. Don’t be silly.
If you were made king, what would you do first?
I’d sit around in my underpants all day long, eating cheesy Wotsits and watching Star Trek. Because I could.
What was the last film you saw and what did you think of it?
A Good Day to Die Hard. I imagine the conversation before they made the film to have gone a bit like this:
Producer: “Hey Bruce, we wanna do a Die Hard 5. You in?”
Willis: “Maybe. Is there a plot?”
Producer: “Sort of. It makes absolutely no sense.”
Willis: “And a script?”
Producer: “I’m not gonna lie, it’s awful, I mean really bad. It literally makes no sense whatsoever.”
Willis: “Will I be able to deliver a never-ending supply of one liners even when they absolutely make no sense? I mean relentlessly; every minute I make a quip. Cut. Quip. Cut. Quip. For two solid hours?”
Willis: “I’m in!”
Where did you get that hat?
I stole it from Hogwarts.
Andrew McLean is director of AppLayer
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