PC Squealer

I'll pull your rope if you pull mine.

What gets you fired up for a hard day's work first thing in the morning better than a nice cup of tea or a triple espresso? Yep, that's right - staff motivation exercises.

The mere mention of the phrase conjures up the image of a line of jumpsuit-clad women on a grassy lawn outside some South East Asian sweat shop, stretching and screaming on those mats you used to do tipple-tails on at school. But over here in Blighty we like to do things a little more English and ... well ... masculine.

Chris Hayward, channel marketing manager at Network Associates, told PC Squealer that during his days as a telephone services salesman, management thought that the best way to motivate its workforce was to have them compete in a tug-o-war contest every morning. It was bad enough once a year at the school sports day - unless you were that big, hairy 10-year-old who was always a bit mature for his age - but even then, the most eager beavers must have found that the novelty wore off after a couple of months. "There were a few guys who really got into it, but I preferred to be the referee," said Chris. We don't suppose the old "I forgot my kit, sir" excuse held much sway with the bosses either.

If you've got a better staff motivation story - juggling kippers, singing the national anthem, speed Scrabble or something equally amusing, PC Squealer would love to hear all about it.

Wait a minute Mr Postman

Here at PC Squealer HQ, gauging the financial health of the channel is directly proportional to the number of free canapes and bottles of champagne we can munch and glug our way through during the course of any working week. But times, we regret to inform you, are tough. The journalist junket sprang a leak during Wimbledon, hit an iceberg during the British Grand Prix, and sank without trace during the cricket World Cup. Woe, woe and thrice woe. But we didn't realise just how cash-strapped everybody was until the PC Squealer postie summoned a member of the team to the reception desk to demand payment for delivering an unstamped envelope. Now, a farewell letter from PC Science or an urgent communication from P&I Data Services, maybe - but from Baan? We know things aren't great over there, but we didn't realise it was that bad. However, in the hope that the contents of the envelope would contain an invite to a tropical island or even just a couple of football tickets - Arsenal, West Ham, Newcastle or Hull, for example - we eventually raised the 39p required. No such luck. "Baan announces UK strategy to deliver Customer Relationship Management applications" it read. Aaaaarrrrgh. And they broke the first rule of customer relationship management - don't leave the person you are hoping to influence to foot the bill!

Bye bye baby, bye bye

From the very beginnings of the internet, chat rooms have been filled with lonely souls looking for their cyber partner. Digital romance has blossomed, conversations between thousands of dewy-eyed couples (we blame the poor quality monitors) became more and more intimate until that magic word is spoken, sorry typed, love. It's about this time that normal people - well as normal as you can get - falling in love with someone on the other side of the world who they've never seen would choose to meet up.

But why go to the bother when they can live their whole relationship in cyber space? We have already seen recently online stag nights and marriages.

But now, at last, the circle is complete. A company called Online Lawyer is offering the opportunity to say goodbye permanently to that one-time love over the web.

Yep, the vultures will provide a quick, uncomplicated, and uncontested divorce for the bargain price of £79.99. All that remains now is for two people to marry and divorce without ever having met each other in person. But then in some cases, it's probably just as well.

Compaq'll fix it

The Samaritans best be on its guard, because Compaq is coming. Following the PC vendor's study into technology related anger (TRA - remember?), Compaq has decided to open a computer rage helpline to lower stress levels caused by having to work with computers all day. But caring, sharing Compaq still has a few things to learn about the despair caused by PC failure - the last thing you want to hear if you have a monitor-bound axe in your hand, is an answer machine telling you to calm down and go for a jog.

Why, before we know it, BT will be warning us about the dangers of helpline rage. We at PC Squealer have always believed that smashing a PC is the best stress relief anyway.

Happy raging everybody.

I'm a little tea pot When this picture of the channel's very own great white shark - Qudis boss Ed Arnett - landed on PC Squealer's desk, we found it most intriguing.

Was the look of amazement on Ed's face because he still has his trousers one year after the management buyout, we wondered, or is he getting ready for a big ho-down with all of his staff?

Return to sender

If you thought the Post Office, Passport Office or the DSS had problems with their computer systems, spare a thought for the poor old FBI. Apparently, when a US citizen picks up a Kalashnikov or two, there are actually some checks carried out by the Feds. Well, they've got to keep tabs on whose tooled up haven't they? Although some people may think the US authorities deliberately keep their gun death figures high to impress, there are some people the authorities don't like to be walking around with small arsenals.

So when you walk into Walt's Weaponry and ask for a gun, Walt has to contact the FBI to see if you've got a form. So when the FBI computer crashed and the G-men couldn't tell Walt who was a psycho and who just really fancied joining the NRA, guns just went out willy nilly. The result was that the Feds had to send out letters to 1,687 former felons asking for the guns back. A few questions do arise from this: a) letters? So these guys supplied their correct addresses? We think not. b) Supposing they are dumb enough to give a correct address - what happens if they say no and c) Just supposing it works, it could actually be the way of law enforcement for the future. Just junk mail the population, asking them politely not to be naughty.

Laugh? We think you will

Kingfisher, the group that owns Comet and others including Superdrug, B&Q and Woolworths, has picked up another retailer. Not funny? It's called Screwfix. Yes, Screwfix. Well, we thought it was funny. It's the UK's largest ecommerce supplier of building, carpentry, plumbing, electrical and maintenance products, obviously.