Channel talk - PC Squealer - A man called Morse

Being Sun Microsystems' number one UK reseller may open a lot of doors, but it would appear that even this accolade will not open the most gilded of portals. PC Squealer reports that one of the divisional directors at Morse Group recently spent the entire night fuming in the lobby of a posh hotel, following the leaving do of one of his colleagues, after hotel staff refused to believe he was who he said he was. It would seem that no one is safe.

Return of the Merc

You can tell you've reached the league of industry big nobs when you can boast about the size of your car. Just like Ilion MD Allan Mack or, as PC Squealer likes to call him, distribution's answer to Sean Connery in his Zardoz period. Anyway, reckless old Mack went out last week and splurged on a sexy, gigantic, hot throbbing Mercedes with loads of stuff which sounded impressive but made knack all sense to yours truly.

PC Squealer was pleased to see Mack reaching the pinnacle of his career, but he'll know he's really made it when he can trade in his Merc for a horse called Nellie - just like his chairman Wayne Channon.

Whale meet again

PC Squealer was lucky enough to touch base with some team players from Bay Networks before all the company's staff went off to find their inner children in Portugal, on a training course Bay has lovingly named Barracuda. According to David Parker, UK channel distribution manager at Bay, the name Barracuda is supposed to instil the various employees with a killer instinct and bring out their predatory nature. PC Squealer wonders what sort of instincts a training course inspired by a friendly killer whale called Free Willy would bring out in those feisty Bay employees?

Clay dream believer

What do Computer 2000 and two loons dressed up in clay-encrusted togas have in common? No, it's not Steve Lockie, Computer 2000's networking general manager, creating the sensual love scene from Ghost. It's just the distributor's way of injecting some enthusiasm into its staff by introducing some fun into the workplace. What happens is, two potters dressed up as lovely little Romans teach C2000 staff, also dressed up in the finest garments known to Julius Caesar, how to make pots. According to David Clarke, marketing director at C2000, telephone activity on these so-called 'buzz days' is much higher - or are these people trying to call for help? Anyway, Clarke says buzz days are a better way to motivate staff than just pay a nice slice of commission. Try telling that to a salesman covered in dirt with his hand stuck in a soggy urn all the way up to his armpit.

That's entertainment

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates started the Comdex ball rolling in Las Vegas last week when he gave his opening address. Top of the great gags on offer was Gates' top 10 reasons why he loves his PCs so much. Surprisingly, these did not include 'they have made me the richest man in history'. Number eight - a big favourite in the PC Squealer office - is 'it allows you to plug and play, embrace and extend, and link and embed'. Not sure what it means, but it sounds great. Gates also admitted that every function in his house is controlled by the PC. Brings a whole new meaning to opening the window, we suppose. Still, Microsoft's chief executive tried to prove that he was a whacky kind of guy really. He explained that he also likes his PC because he can use it to collaborate with attorneys all over the world, comment on a 48-page legal brief and email it to the Department of Justice. This was a reference to Microsoft's retaliation at the Department's anti-trust regulators, who recently had a go at the company's sales tactics. So that should come in handy if any legal action is taken.

Grave heart

Help is at hand for grieving children and their cyberpets. Terry Squires from Cornwall has set up a real graveyard for them. The service comes complete with wooden headstones and remembrance book. The cunning Squires does most of his business by post for a reasonable #4.50.

Order in the court

A juror at Croydon Crown Court was 'reprimanded' for using his PC to research information on the case he was sitting in on.

The judge examined a printout made by the juror and decided the information was irrelevant - now, that does sound familiar.