Strap yourself in as the digital doyen of Dagenham reports on mansplaining manufacturers and a philandering Frenchman
Two of Dodgi's top sales guns, who happen to be women (others may call me a hero in the struggle for greater gender equality in the IT industry - it's not for me to say), recently went for a meeting at one of our leading vendor partners.
The talk turned to what the vendor offered the market in the way of converged infrastructure wares. As they discussed how best to position the technology from a sales and marketing perspective, the vendor bod thought he'd start from the top by giving an easy-to-understand explanation of the concept of converged infrastructure.
"Well, it's a bit like having lots of different pairs of shoes," he began.
Presumably because, y'know, women, eh?
It hardly got less cringeworthy from there. But to be fair to the chap, his little pep talk with Team Dodgi has given our sales a massive shot in the arm. Our Thoroughly Non-Converged Infrastructure Business Unit has just done its best ever quarterly numbers.
Never a doll moment
Further proof, as if it were needed, that the world is insidiously becoming an Orwellian dystopia was provided by the recent, sorry tale of My Friend Cayla.
Sadly, My Friend Cayla - an internet-connected talking child's doll - should not be befriended by anyone, according to the German telecoms watchdog, the Bundesnetzagentur. She may have blonde locks, a darling little outfit, and big blue eyes, but behind the unremittingly cute façade lies a sinister surveillance threat, the authorities have decided.
The doll is designed to be able to trawl the internet to enable it to respond to users' questions. Various consumer groups and individuals had raised concerns about Cayla, claiming that her microphone could be hacked via Bluetooth from a distance of up to 10m, meaning that someone in an adjoining building could feasibly use the doll to spy on its users. The Bundesnetzagentur has now issued an official warning, urging all owners of the toy to destroy it.
But officials in the UK seem less concerned, with the UK Toy Retailers Association telling the BBC that there is "no reason for alarm".
"War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. The struggle is finished. We have won the victory over ourselves. We love Big Brother," they added, probably.
Le cheat, c'est chic
Zut alors and stone les crows! Imagine my shock and deep amusement to find out that a Frenchman is reportedly suing Uber after his use of the taxi app enabled his wife to uncover his infidelity.
According to numerous reports, the unnamed chap reportedly once used his spouse's phone to book an Uber, but made sure to log out when he was done. However, he claims the application continued to send notifications to wifey's phone, and his travel habits aroused her suspicions. After his philandering had been uncovered, the couple subsequently divorced.
Reports have claimed that some Uber users were affected by the unsuccessful log-out issue last year, before a software update in December remedied the problem. Now Cheating Charlie's lawyer David-André Darmon claims that the application should have to answer for the damage wrought by its glitches.
"The bug has caused him problems in his private life," he told Le Figaro newspaper.
This case has got me worried. I once logged into the Pointless app on Her Indoors' phone; if word gets out on the mean streets of Dagenham about my surprisingly in-depth knowledge of Let Loose singles, my reputation will be toast.
I was curious to learn recently that Bill Gates thinks robots should pay tax.
At least, that's what all the screechingly reductive headlines would have you believe. The reality is more nuanced and thoughtful, with the jumper-wearing ex-Microsoft chief simply pointing out - not entirely unreasonably - that if workers with salaries of, say, $50,000 are now being replaced by automatons, the public purse will be deprived of an increasing amount of income tax.
"You'd think that we'd tax the robot at a similar level," he said.
Fair point, William. I think we should also insist that all robot employees are made to take part in secret Santa, company softball, and any and all charity fancy dress days.
■ Dave Diamond-Geezer, director of Digital Online Deals and Global Integration (Dodgi) of Dagenham Ltd